Yes, you have voiced your opinion over and over about how remakes and sequels should shut the hell up and you could make the best horror movie ever if you only had the budget that was wasted on these current, needless continuations and resurrections, right? Well, you smug little asshole, every sequel or remake has been based upon impressions of what the target audience wants to see these days as a mass. These companies put forth a lot of money and faith into what their “exhaustive research” points towards as far as what you want to see whether you agree or not. It’s frustrating as hell, I know. It almost seems as if these studies are complete works of fiction considering the hammer landed nowhere near the nail.
These companies see a potential in a movie/remake, turn it into a franchise if it is even a minor success, lose the audience through constant bastardized redundancy, loose budget due to diminishing fans and bad forecasts, loose talented contributors to other projects, make half-assed sequels to bleed the name and eventually run it face first into a shallow grave ruining your remembrance of the original gems you once loved possibly resulting in a reboot all the while counting piles of cash. That, my friend, is called business. Anytime there is a success, expect to see it bled to death. They just didn’t know when to put down the butcher knife. Despite everybody knowing many sequels are bad ideas, tickets still get bought.
Here, for your convenience, I have listed what I have found to be the 13 final nails in 13 coffins that hold some of the 13 best original horror movies. Some, like the monsters they convey, are not beyond rising again, but here are the kill-shots that ended a classic franchise or caused the need for a reboot. If you do feel like being a masochist and watching these finalizing turds, please do so with a grain of salt the size of a Volkswagen.
1: Halloween: (1978)
Here is the dead end of the franchise, …are you ready? …Halloween: Resurrection! Granted, it was on a downhill slope but even after H2O, this heart-stabbing flick has absolutely no place in this world. There was no insight into Michael Myers, no continuation value and no reason to exist. With character names like Jenn Danzig (yeah, like Glenn Danzig) and Busta Rhymes karate kicking Michael Myers in the face, this made me feel like I wanted to down that handle of whiskey I just opened and carve my eyeballs out with a meat cleaver. I would have believed ol’ Mike could survive anything, …but this? …I just don’t know. The Zombie reboot did, however, re-stoke my love for the character.
2: Friday the 13th (1980)
With the first one having the mother as the antagonist, the second having Jason in a burlap sack and the third having him in a hockey mask, it felt as if the series could go on forever as long as they changed the killer’s appearance. Unfortunately, once stuck with a hockey mask, Jason had nowhere to go. He even went from the Northwest coast of New Jersey to Manhattan (which is impossible considering the Northwest coast of New Jersey doesn’t exist) where he became a violent punchline …but still, he became more stagnant than the mosquito-ridden waters of Crystal Lake. Again, I really did like the remake. It gave Jason his edge back without turning to a dump truck full of cheesy-ass camp value and unbelievability for cheap laughs to sell tickets.
3: The Amityville Horror (1979)
Ok, what the hell happened here? We have a great story, great background, great real-life history, great actors… …Wait, I know!!! Lets ruin it all with a series of god-awful sequels! They don’t need to be any good or have any historical referencing; the name will make them great! We can hire bad actors to stick to weak plots based off of the original and we can even work on a budget barely high enough to pay for that fifth of Jim Beam I’m going to down in my trailer! DONE!
4: The Hills Have Eyes:
The original Hills Have Eyes rocked. You can argue but you would be full of sh*t. You can say the second one probably made sense but you will be smacked in the mouth with an empty bottle of Charles Shaw Chardonnay. People who died came back and the plot was thinner than a classic horror movie victim’s nightgown. I did very much like the remake by Alexander Aja, but then… SMASH!!! Empty-bottle-to-the-mouth city, just like the original’s sequel when I hoped for the best.
5: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
I liked the first one, I loved the second, I thought the third one was too much and found the fourth to be pretentious. The later films offered nothing but cliché story lines and cheesy Hollywood atmospheres. The studios, however, quickly found the miracle of remakes and loaded this one into the front of the canon. Too bad, they ruined the franchise again with the sequel to the remake.
I am just waiting for the reboot of the sequel to the remake of the original.
6: The Lost Boys (1987)
I’m still not ready to talk about this one.
7: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
I remember when Freddy was a scary-ass son-of-a-bitch. He would kill children and then come back from the grave to kill teens in their sleep. I wonder at what point Wes Craven decided to make him a goofy, wisecracking anti-hero with a scare level equivalent to Hannah Montana? Each movie got worse and worse until Freddy was as threatening as an alcohol warning on the side of a liquor bottle.
8: Interview With A Vampire (1994)
Four words; Queen Of The Damned! I read the books and this movie was bullsh*t. The only reason this movie was even made was because the studios were about to lose the rights soon and needed to cash in on the titles …assholes.
9: Night Of The Living Dead (1968)
Romero was and will always be the granddaddy of zombies but his franchises are slowly burying themselves with the worms. I feel as if nothing can revive the series even Land’s Asia Argento (please, marry me).
10: Hellraiser (1987)
Once everything was about the Cenobites and C.G. violence, the music died and all went sadly quiet.
Note: Hellraiser 1-4 ranged from excellent to pretty good, after that Pinhead became more of a Rod Serling (standing back more as a commentator than a participant)
11: Return Of The Living Dead (1985)
Rave From The Grave??? Seriously??? These started off comedic, but now it’s just a joke. POW!
12: From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
I love Robert Rodriguez, always have, always will. I also love Quentin Tarantino and everything he is. I really enjoyed From Dusk Till Dawn but all the magic left from any potential sequels when they both threw up their hands and said, “once is enough.” Everything that followed tried so hard but fell so short. You just cant make wine without grapes, I guess.
13: The Blair Witch Project (1999)
One was a scary-ass documentary style flick. Two was a mediocre, scripted movie with no discernable plot. It’s too bad nobody realized that most of the charm of the original was due to it seeming so real through the use of the handheld camera.
14: The Exorcist (1973)
C’mom…you create one of the scariest films ever and then peter out on everything after? What gives?
Maybe its time to look at the formula and revisit a bit?….just saying.
15: The Fog (1980)
I still to this day – thing the Fog kicked ass. Its remake was the biggest piece of crap ever.
OK, we limited this list to 15, but I’m betting there are some pretty passionate fans with some of their own inclusions…..let hear what ya got!