Watch the crazy Trailer for Shark Night 3D
You know what sucks acolytes? When your beloved savior The Black Saint decides to take a vacation for 10 days in a week where three horror/sci-fi films are slated to open and he can’t get to any of them on opening weekend. Why does this suck you ask? It sucks because the one film of the three that I really wanted to write a review for “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark”, got scooped up immediately by my erstwhile editor for review. So did my 2nd choice, “Apollo 18″. So what was left? The one film NO ONE on the Horrornews.net staff wanted to review, “Shark Night 3D”. I, being the loyal employee that I am, was so surprised that no one got near this film that I volunteered to see it. I mean honestly, how bad could it be? I’ve seen bad movies in the past and I’m going to see them in the future. This one isn’t gonna hurt so bad I figured…
I figured wrong. I must question the existence of this film & the (Estimated) $28 million dollars it cost. How many hungry kids could that money feed? How many good deeds could that money fund? I could think of a zillion different (& better) things that could have been done with that money. Whose brilliant idea was it to make another ersatz 3D movie that features little to no 3D in it & what little 3D on display is sub-par at best. I really wondered “How much was paid for this script”? I could write 25 scripts that are at least as bad (& probably worse) than this in a month. Is some fool from Hollywood gonna pay me six figures for one of them? After seeing this movie I’m starting to think that I might be able to pull it off.
Oh yeah, the plot. OK…seven college students decide to spend a weekend at a lake house that they soon discover is surrounded by man eating sharks. That’s it. Well, there is an effort to give the seven of them a bit of personality. Some fare better than others but they’re all just cookie cutout personalities in the end. There’s the Black jock with a Hispanic girlfriend (Hmmm, wonder who gets it first)? The other five are your basic caricatures (Video game nerd, Bookworm nerd, Another jock & two attractive ladies). I didn’t care for a single one of them & I don’t think any of you will either.
There are three other characters in the film. A Sheriff & two fisherman/bait salesman (One of them has a history with one of our ladies, not that it really matters in the end). The Sheriff is a goof off & of the two fishermen, one is a drunk & one is a stud of sorts with a scar on his face. None of this really matters in the end either. Our seven stalwart college students arrive at the lake house & after settling in & discussing who’s gonna end up with who, they take to the water. Then all the “Fun” starts.
Now if by fun you think I mean we get some laughs, a bit of nudity perhaps or some ominous clues as to what’s going to happen, you’d be wrong. If by “Fun” you think that as soon as the Black guy gets in the water he gets attacked by a shark & loses an arm and is rescued by the others, who dive in the blood soaked water but aren’t even sniffed at by the shark that was just there 30 seconds earlier, well then you’d be right. “Shark Night 3D” conveniently ignores the (Stated) fact that sharks can smell one drop of blood in an Olympic sized swimming pool. Yet strangely enough, certain characters can dive into blood red water (& they’re BLEEDING on a few occasions) and still emerge unscathed from the water. All the while by the way, I was waiting for that 3D to kick in. Maybe I missed something…
I refuse to provide any more details of the absolutely witless script to you except to say that the sharks were put there for a reason and once that reason was divulged I nearly walked out of the theater. Seriously. Not that the 3 other people in their seats would’ve noticed me leaving anyway. But it really is one of the STUPIDEST plot contrivances I’ve ever heard of in a film of any kind, and know this…I sat through “Troll 2″ and liked it! So for me to call it stupid means it’s REALLY STUPID. In addition to the massive stupidity of the script’s “Big Reveal”, it makes absolutely no attempt to give any of the knuckleheads at the lake house any common f*cking sense. I mean if you know there are sharks in the lake surrounding your Lake House & you’re relatively sure that the sharks aren’t the next evolution of shark that can walk on land & knock on your door (Shades of SNL’S “Land Shark”) Then why on Earth would you continue to go into the god damned water? Granted it’s been established that there is no cell phone service out where they are but there isn’t a land line to use in the house either? I mean it’s a pretty nice friggin’ lake house, there ought to be a phone in there somewhere you’d think.
The Sheriff said he’d be by tomorrow to check up on them, they have rescue flares, food, water, shelter…why are they still going in the water? Why does the (Now One Armed) Black jock decide to go back in the water to enact revenge on the shark that nailed him & his GF…at NIGHT? Why does one of them think he can outrun a school of sharks with a Jet-Ski? Why don’t they just pick some bedrooms and have sex like any other group of people in a movie like this would do before they started getting bumped off? Why doesn’t Spielberg sue the filmmakers for ripping off the opening to his “Jaws” almost identically? WHY?, WHY?, WHY?
Because “Shark Night 3D” is a stupid f*cking movie, that’s why. Most of it takes place in the daytime by the way so even the f*cking title is misleading. As to the “3D” I was waiting for, I got an exploding motorboat that flung some parts at the screen fairly effectively & some guts that sort of floated about in the water 3D style I suppose. But that was it. At least that I could notice, and I had my silly glasses on the whole time. Last year’s “Pirahna 3D” had basically the same set up except with a lot more stupid kids & a few stupid adults but it was fun for Pete’s sake! It was fun & full of the red stuff in the water & some cool 3D to go along with it.
There isn’t a hint of any of that in this movie. Even more surprising to me, it was directed by David R. Ellis who directed “The Final Destination” in 3D & showed he knew how to use it to maximum effect. Nobody seems like they want to be in this movie and the few “Names” in the cast (Donal Logue, Joel David Moore & “American Idol’s Catherine McPhee) must’ve been short a mortgage payment or two. It’s directed in a lackluster fashion, it’s stupid, boring & not one teeny weeny little bit scary. I would rate it ZERO shrouds but for one thing…and I wonder how many people hung around to see this, As the end credits rolled & the other three suckers left the theater, I sat & decided to check my messages before I went out to the car (It was raining pretty hard). Lo and behold, something popped up a second or two after the credits had actually ended that made me sit up straight & laugh out loud!
I really wonder how many people hung around to see it but for this and this alone I’m giving “Shark Night 3D” One shroud! It nearly made up for the ninety minutes or so I had just wasted. I can’t tell you what it is obviously but it was unexpected & made me wonder if the whole movie was supposed to be a joke that only the cast & crew were privy to? If so, they didn’t have to spend $28 Million to tell the joke but it did make me leave with a smile as I walked out, sans umbrella, into the cold, hard rain.
Shark Night is now available on DVD / Bluray from 20th Century Fox
Shark Night 3D (2011)