A modern adaptation of the classic novel of the captain of a high tech submarine and his obsessive quest to destroy the enormous prehistoric whale that maimed him.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my faithful readers! It pleases me no end to know that a couple of my acolytes might be reading what I’ve got in store for you on this day of giving thanks. What am I, The Black Saint, giving thanks for today you ask? Well I’m giving thanks for my Fantastically creepy family who have never stopped me from pursuing my love of all things Horror. They are too cool. I also want to give thanks to the people here at Horrornews.net for giving me the honor of writing for them. The pay sucks, but I don’t think anyone of us is here for money. We’re here because we love what we’re doing which is watching movies, reading books & meeting people who share our love of all things Horror. It’s nice to be amongst friends (although I don’t have friends. I have acolytes)! Happy Thanksgiving to everyone here at Horrornews.net. We are family…
Now enough of the smarmy sentiments. I have a job to do right now & that job is telling all of you about the latest cinematic effort from The Asylum, “2010: Moby Dick”. Now for those of you who aren’t familiar with The Asylum & what they do let me give you some background information on them. The Asylum is a sort of “Mini studio” that specializes in making quick knock offs of whatever is popular at the moment in the cinema. “Snakes On A Plane”? They made “Snakes On A Train”. “Aliens Vs. Predator”? They came up with “AVH: Alien vs. Hunter”. “Paranormal Activity”? They rushed out “Paranormal Entity”. You get the idea. They usually get some c-level stars who need a mortgage payment or something to star in it (Tiffany, Barry Williams, C. Thomas Howell) who still have some smidgen of name recognition & they pump out movies at a amazingly fast rate. Some of them are passable, most of them are pretty bad but they’re usually entertaining because they are in on the joke & they just don’t care about what the critics say. People rent their films & their staples on the SYFY channel.
So what is their latest film to grab us by the collar & scream “WATCH ME”? Well it’s a little ditty called “2010: Moby Dick” & although it certainly isn’t very good, I can’t really call it all that bad either. It is immensely entertaining though & sometimes that’s all I need. A movie that knows it’s not going to be great but damns it’s shortcomings & tries it’s hardest to be fun to watch.
The film opens in 1969 & young sailor Ahab(!) is on board a Nuclear Submarine making it’s usual rounds when he hears a strange sound on his sonar. He alerts his superiors about what he’s hearing but he gets brushed off. Mainly because they don’t hear what he’s hearing. But the faint sound resonates in Ahab’s ear & he insists that something is out there, and getting closer…
Soon afterwards, his superiors hear the odd sound as well & suddenly a shape shows up on the radar to go along with the sound. It’s a big shape that’s seemingly headed straight for them. Of course now his superiors see & hear what Ahab’s been trying to tell them all the while, something really big is out there & headed straight for them…but what is it? Well if you haven’t figured it out from the title by now I’ll tell you what it is. The Sub is being pursued by a 500 foot long Dick! Moby Dick that is, a big Sperm Whale that is pretty angry & of course being 500 ft. long easily grabs our tiny little Sub & snaps it in two with it’s gaping maw. Half of the sub goes down with Dick, the other half (which still contains Ahab & a friend) he leaves on the Arctic ice. With a really heavy pipe crushing Ahab’s leg..
Cut to current day San Diego & Marine Biologist Michelle Herman is conducting experiments in Whale communication along with her assistant Pip. She’s trying to figure out how to attract Whales using various sound effects. Exactly why she wants to attract whales we’re never told but she’s out there in a little dinghy (The name on the side of the boat is “Coffin”) tossing a microphone into the water & trying out different frequencies to see what she can get & after a few minutes she actually gets a couple of hits & whales do rise to the surface, pleasing her & Pip no end. But suddenly the whales go away for no apparent reason & leaves our biologist in a state of confusion until a large Submarine breaks the surface of the water right behind her. Of course the whales knew the sub was surfacing but Michelle & Pip have no inkling of the massive sub coming to the surface at all. I would think that if you’re in a small boat & a giant Nuclear submarine suddenly emerges from the depths RIGHT BEHIND YOU, there ought to be some waves buffeting your little boat shouldn’t there?
Not here, that little dinghy was steady. Fuck, it hardly moved at all. But that’s besides the point. Michelle & Pip are ordered to board the sub by first officer Starbuck who informs them that the research they’re working on is exactly what his commander needs to find the menacing whale that took his leg 40 yrs. earlier. That’s right, Ahab is back with a metal leg instead of a pegleg & he’s still looking to settle the score with the big d*ck…whale. Ahab is played by Barry Bostwick in a performance that is so campy & over the top you would thin k that he’s auditioning for the (rumored) remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show all over again (if you didn’t know, he played Brad in the original classic). His submarine is called The Pequod, just like in Herman Melville’s original novel & he has the giant scar running across his face from his first encounter with Moby just as Melville’s character did. As a matter of fact screenwriter Paul Bales makes no bones about the names of any of the characters. We’ve got Ahab, Starbuck, Boomer, Flask & Queequeg in here as well. I guess new names for the main characters wouldn’t have worked too well. I mean the name of the movie is “Moby Dick” right? But After Ahab & maybe Starbuck I don’t think they had to be as slavish to the names from the novel as they were. They could’ve given them some different names. At least there’s no Ishmael in the credits…
Of course, Ahab built the Pequod for one purpose only..to kill Moby Dick & Ahab is resolute in his desire to get that done. Nothing will stand in his way & he doesn’t care who dies in his pursuit of the mighty dick so there’s a bit of consternation building up inside the submarine as the crew realizes that Ahab has no feelings other than his hatred for the beast & if they die then they will have died for a noble cause. Some of Bostwick’s lines while he is in pursuit of the great big d*ck are priceless: When asked if he would “Attack an animal” he replies “Madam, I would strike the Sun if it insulted me”! Some more great lines are “It took my leg, I don’t intend to give it my ass” & when asked “Why would a whale act like this”? he responds with “Why do babies die in their sleep”? What the f*ck is that line all about? The fact that Bostwick chews up each line like their salt water taffy just makes them more fun to listen to. Of course the Navy would like Ahab to return their sub in one piece & since he’s now gone rogue they have to send jet fighters & other subs after him to reign him in. Too bad for them that wherever Ahab is, Moby isn’t to far away & most of them die horrible deaths at the big dick’s amazing ability to rise out of the water & actually leap into the air in a straight line, body fully erect & eat them vehicles & all. People really shouldn’t mess around with a 500 ft. d*ck that can swim & swallow you & your helicopters whole. It’s a bad idea.
Eventually Moby disables the Pequod not too far from an isolated island & Ahab decides that this is where they will make their final stand. He disembarks with our scientists & some crew members to finally put the big d*ck down. But I wondered how they were going to do this from land. I mean whales are mammals & they need air every so often but they certainly can’t come ashore on dry land to wreak havoc can they? Well this big d*ck can & does! Once Moby figures out that Ahab & his posse are on shore he just jumps out of the water & starts…crawling I guess. On dry land. He even manages to climb over a mountain to surprise his enemies in a sneak attack. Now I have been surprised at things in the past. You know what I mean, people sneaking up on me & spooking me…stuff like that. But when there is a 500 ft. d*ck traipsing about a relatively small deserted island I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be able to get the drop on me. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna hear it let alone see it. But old Moby actually surprises our knuckleheads who are looking for him. Amazing, I didn’t know whales could sneak up on someone without their being aware of it, like a Ninja. Whales are cool people! Of course the big d*ck just lays waste to everyone around him, just slamming himself into everyone he sees. Sometimes the d*ck is hungry & he decides to eat you but mostly he just rises up fully erect & slams right into you. In some cases over & over again until he’s satisfied. But of course it all boils down to Moby & Ahab who has a spear fitted with a missile(!) on it for just such an emergency & I’ll be damned if he doesn’t get to use it. He does manage to get a good shot in but in the end he ends up tangled in some rope that Moby gets wrapped around him & as in the original book, dies strapped onto the 500 ft. d*ck. What a way to go….
But the Pequod, while disabled, still has missiles that can be fired & the crew had laid some mines just off of the coast of the island earlier so Starbuck gets the idea to lure Dick into the mines & then fire all of his missiles at him. Even if he misses the big d*ck the missiles will hit the mines & the ensuing explosion will not only take out 500 ft. of Dick but destroy the island completely which doesn’t bode well for our few survivors who managed to escape the wrath of the Dick. Two of them, knowing they’re about to die simply sit on the beach & watch as the missiles get closer. One of them lights up a stogie & the other takes a swig from his flask just waiting for the big boom (first a big d*ck now a big boom. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed). But Marine Biologist Michelle isn’t having any of it & makes a break for it even though she’s told that she “Can’t outrun a missile”. She gets to high stepping across that island as far away from the point of impact that she could possibly be. But when the missiles do hit the mines the explosion completely vaporizes the island in a massive Nuclear conflagration! She can’t possibly be alive, can she? Of course she is numbskulls. She’s the only female in the whole movie, they can’t kill her off, so she’s found (none the worse for wear) floating in the ocean. Her clothes aren’t even singed. I love it! Reality be damned!! And Moby? Our great big lovable d*ck that rises out of the water, crawls on land & doesn’t like to be messed with? Well the missiles didn’t really bother him too much either & he just swims away with good ol’ Ahab strapped to him for eternity..or until some other fish just eat him till there’s nothing but bones left. The film ends right there with Michelle floating in the ocean & a rescue chopper coming to her assistance..
Now like I said earlier, “2010: Moby Dick” isn’t a very good movie at all but it is a very entertaining one. The special effects are pretty cheesy (I’ve seen better water effects on my PS3) & the rear projection scenes are especially bad but they did do a pretty good job with the d*ck. I would think it would be kind of hard to portray a 500 ft d*ck on screen in a realistic fashion but dropkick me Jesus they did it here. The whale is realistic looking enough to make you want to see more of it. Actually you see a lot of the whale so I think they were pretty excited at what they accomplished & wanted to showcase it every chance they could. As ridiculous as a 500 ft. whale sounds on paper, on screen he ain’t too shabby.
Should you see the movie though? Well, I like bad movies & crappy dialogue so if that’s your cup of joe as well then run don’t walk to your laptop & Netflix this bad boy. If you’rE FEELING adventurous & see it in a store for $10 bucks, then buy it. The Black Saint is giving it 2 1/2 shrouds out of 5. It’s no masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination but it’s fun to watch & Bostwick’s performance is really great in a over the top sort of fashion. The only question I had was why did The Asylum choose to make this film? It’s not a quick knock off of anything that’s currently in theatres & although it’s certainly not original it is different. As a matter of fact I’d love to see it done properly with a $100 million dollar budget & Viggo Mortensen playing Ahab. That would rock hard! But The Asylum should be proud of their latest effort in spite of it’s shortcomings. It’s a fun movie about a group of people being hunted down by a 500 ft. dick that wants to mess them (over). How could they go wrong?
In closing, I just want to wish all of my friends & acolytes a wonderful Thanksgiving. Everybody chow down heartily today & when you say your prayers tonight, remember to pray to me because Christmas is coming & I’m making a list & checking it twice. You don’t want to be on my bad side now…do you?
2010: Moby Dick (2010)