Film Review: Crypt Of The Living Dead (1972)

SYNOPSIS:
“Two archaeologists on a scientific dig come across a vampire burial ground and discover that the creatures are about to awaken and attack a nearby village.” (courtesy IMDB)

REVIEW:
This week I have the Spanish-American co-production Crypt Of The Living Dead (1972). If the title seems a little generic, what about Vampire Woman, or Vampire Women, or even Young Hannah Queen Of The Vampires? They’re all the same film. It doesn’t even sound any better in Spanish, which translates literally as Tomb Of The Cursed Island – actually, that’s not too bad, is it? I could go with that. Tomb! Of The Cursed! Island!

Crypt Of The Living Dead is a sterling example of the cinematic principle that the worse a film is, the more titles it generates. Now, what can I say about this film that will keep you awake long enough to watch the rest of it? Give up? So have I. Anyway, this is another one of those hybrid films I should have warned you about. It’s originally a Spanish horror film that’s been whisked over to America and ‘re-purposed’ by Ray Danton, who has directed far more interesting horror films such as Deathmaster (1972) and Psychic Killer (1975), neither of which are available to non-profit community-based television presenters like myself.

The original Spanish director, Julio Salvador, was responsible for such cinematic enemas as Hello Glen Ward House Dick (1968) and the completely redundant They Killed A Corpse (1962), as well as writing Love Brides Of The Blood Mummy (1973). So you see, he was just as good at making films as he was at naming them.

Teresa Gimpera, who plays the world’s slowest-moving vampire, was also in Love Brides Of The Blood Mummy, as well as Naked Girl Killed In The Park (1972), Those Dirty Dogs (1973), and surprisingly the art-house favourite, Spirit Of The Beehive (1973). Patty Shepard, the so-called love interest, was in Slugs (1988) and that pretty much says it all for Patty.

Andrew Prine plays the hero, or idiot, who insists on releasing the vampire, because he’s an American and knows far better than the locals. I’m so glad things have changed since then. Prine’s done The Bionic Woman, Quincy and Matt Houston, and also made a lot of television. He also appeared with Denise Crosby and Roy Dotrice in one of my favourite films of all-time, Eliminators (1986), where Prine played a rogue archeologist teamed up with a ninja and a mandroid to fight…well, nothing really, because the budget had run out by then.

Prine’s even more stupid brother is played by Mark Damon. Damon was in the superior Mario Bava chiller Black Sabbath (1963), but is better known for producing such films as Nine And A Half Weeks (1986), Wild Orchid I (1989), Wild Orchid II (1992), and of course Flight Of The Navigator (1986). Oh, as well as The Upside Of Anger (2005), Beyond The Sea (2004) and Monster (2003), so feel free to throw things at the screen when he shows up. Almost makes you wish there was a fatal accident during shooting, doesn’t it? But he wasn’t responsible for producing Matt Damon, so we can’t blame him for that.

I wish to apologise to anyone who had to gnaw off their own arm to reach the end – Medicare should cover it. So be sure to return next week to discuss the twice as interesting and half as hairy Moon Of The Wolf (1972). Sorry, that should be half as interesting and twice as hairy – well, there’s hairy in it, anyway, it’s a wolf film. Well, I can’t wait! Toodles!

Crypt Of The Living Dead (1972)

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About Nigel Honeybone

Wee Willie"Nigel Honeybone's debut was as Hamlet's dead father, portraying him as a tall posh skeleton. This triumph was followed in Richard III, as the remains of a young prince which he interpreted as a tall posh skeleton. He began attracting starring roles. Henry VIII was scaled down to suit Honeybone's very personalised view of this famous king. Honeybone suggested that perhaps he really was quite skeletal, quite tall, and quite posh. MacBeth, Shylock and Othello followed, all played as tall, skeletal and posh, respectively. Considering his reputation for playing tall English skeletons, many believed that the real Honeybone inside to be something very different, like a squat hunchback perhaps. Interestingly enough, Honeybone did once play a squat hunchback, but it was as a tall posh skeleton. But he was propelled into the film world when, in Psycho (1960), he wore women's clothing for the very first time. The seed of an idea was planted and, after working with director Ed Wood for five years, he realised the unlimited possibilities of tall posh skeletons who dressed in women's clothing. He went on to wear women's clothing in thirteen major motion pictures, including the Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) and Star Wars (1977), heartbreaking as the remains of Aunt Beru. With the onslaught of special effects came the demise of real actors in these sorts of roles. After modeling for CGI skeletons in Total Recall (1990) and Toys (1992), the only possible step forward for a tall posh skeleton was television, imparting his knowledge and expertise of the arts. As well as writing for the world's best genre news website HORROR NEWS, Nigel Honeybone is currently signed to star in a new series for television presenting the finest examples of B-grade horror. THE SCHLOCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW is seen on Friday nights at 10.30pm on TVS Television Sydney, and where ever good Youtube downloads are available." (Fantales candy wrapper circa 2007)

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