A mutant strain of giant ferocious piranha escape from the Amazon and eat their way toward Florida.
Written & Directed by:Â Eric Forsberg
Starring:Â Tiffany, Paul Logan, Barry Williams, David LabiosaÂ
A mutant strain of viciously hungry, genetically-altered piranha escape from a super-secret, G-14 classified South American lab and go on a rampage all up and down the Orinoco River.Â As they keep munching on everything from cows to boats to us good human folk along their journey, and growing in size while multiplying at an incredible rate, it soon leads them to the Amazon.Â And if they canât be contained in the Amazon, well HO-lee jumped-up bald-headed Jesus palomino â theyâll hit the Atlantic and swallow Cuba whole on their way to quenching their thirst in Margaritaville by swimming straight up Jimmy Buffettâs ass once they hit our shores.Â
Oh, and did I mention that the entire Venezuelan Army (or at least one Ford Explorer full of them, anyway) are trying to throw their own sea-monkey in the wrench???Â Thankfully, on our side we have overachiever scientist Tiffany, Navy SEAL and Lorenzo Lamas clone Logan, and top-flight US government official Barry âIâm the REAL Greg Bradyâ Williams kicking ass for us.Â Aw hell naw â those overgrown pointy-toothed CGI sushi donât stand a f*cking chance nowâŚÂ
Okay folks, if you donât know about my Saturday night ritual with my daughter and the SyFy premieres by now, ask me later, as I donât want everyone else carping on me by me retreading it again (this week, anyway).Â But let me just say that for the first time in a very long time, we were extremely psyched for this oneâŚenough so that I made my patented Roadkill chip dip to go along with the usual nachos and popcorn.Â So very, very, very many times in months past, especially since changing their name to the Hot Topic trendiness of SyFy, said channel has let us down consistently on Saturday nights for quite some time now. MEGA SHARK vs. GIANT OCTOPUS came close, granted, to breaking that cycle and was awesome cheesy fun, but even with it starring The Great Lamas himself, it still didnât elate us to that point of saying DAMN â thatâs some kickass schlock.Â But the MEGA PIRANHA trailer running on SyFy had us more than curious and more than a little stoked.Â And this was no dead fish, folksâŚin the immortal words of the late, great, Douglas Adams â âYou can tune a guitar, but you canât tuna fish.Â Unless you play bass.âÂ
Tons of credit has to go to writer/director Forsberg here.Â Coming from an extensive Second City background, the dude HAD to have had his tongue firmly implanted in his cheek while making this flick; and if he didnât, well then, I suppose I have completely misread his intentions.Â But you know what?Â I donât really care one way or the other, as this movie was the most enjoyably epic cheesefest Iâve seen in years.Â It doesnât take a brain sturgeon to figure out that this flick wasnât meant to be taken that seriously, but just to have fun with it and enjoy the ride.Â
And you know, speaking of enjoyable cheese, I canât help but to think of a sequel with a hybrid slant here â weâve seen some pretty cool âMegaâ movies recently, and folks out there, myself included, are always up for some âVSâ movies as well.Â This flick started in the Orinoco River, which is also home to the pale and scary-looking yet also incredibly rare and endangered Orinoco Crocodile.Â Thatâs right folks, Iâm throwing this out there to The Asylum right now â MEGA PIRANHA vs. GIANT ORINOCO CROCODILE.Â Hurry before I trademark that title and idea, and write it myself.Â Or, just mail my 25% to me in the next couple of daysâŚyour call.Â
Oh, we havenât talked about the acting yet, have we?Â WellâŚTiffany, between this one and NECROSIS, has now officially thrown her hat into the ring to challenge her former mall-singing buddy from the 80s, Deborah âDonât f*cking call me Debbie anymoreâ Gibson for the title of modern-day Queen of Schlock.Â And lest we forget Barry WilliamsâŚ.awesome to see him on my TV again in a non-Brady capacity, and portraying an actual good guy to boot.Â I fully believe that if he were 15 years younger, heâd have been right out there in the water kicking some fishy ass with the rest of them!!Â
Paul Logan deserves his own paragraph here.Â The man has graced our TV screens in recent years with SyFy premieres in the likes of MEGAFAULT, THE TERMINATORS, and KOMODO vs. COBRA.Â While Iâll say that he isnât quite ready to have the torch passed to him from Lorenzo Lamas yet, if he keeps this up, then heâs well on his way to earning his place as at least a Prince Lamas, Jr., or something along those lines.Â I say, if Lorenzo isnât available, then call Paul Logan!Â His SEAL, Finch, was the ultimate in Schlock-filled cinematic badassery.Â No one (other than Lorenzo Lamas, that is) could, in but one movie, single-handedly take on a swarming school of hungry mutant piranha with nothing more than a knife, defeat all six members of the Venezuelan army all by himself, recharge a cell phone battery with his super-saliva, and bicycle-kick a sh*tload of attacking fishies Liu-Kang-in-Mortal-Kombat-styleâŚ.oh, HELLS YES!!!Â
It may sound to the casual reader that I am in fact mocking this flick and everything it stands for.Â I can assure you that I am most certainly NOT doing that.Â I love cheesy, schlocky movies, IF theyâre done right, and thereâs also a very warm spot in my heart for giant mutant fish flicksâŚand this my friends, is the new King.Â I have not witnessed nor enjoyed Grand Schlocky Cheese on anywhere near this scale since the premiere of FRANKENFISH loâ those many years agoâŚand yes, dammit, thatâs a very high compliment.Â The DVD streets on April 27th, so all lovers of Cheese & Schlock need to pre-order this sucker and eagerly await its arrival to your mailbox later this month.Â Trust me, this sucker is fun with a capital F-UâŚ.N, and so I leave you with this:Â
MEGA PIRANHA, I hereby officially proclaim you to be THE best SyFy Channel original Saturday night premiereâŚ.EVER!!!
Now available Mega Piranha – on 3 film bluray set from Echo Bridge