Video Madness: Giant Centipede and the Mouse

Ok children; take out your safety pencils and a circle of paper. Today’s lesson is for all you entomology geeks out there. We’ll be talking about Centipedes. The standard repository for all Internet based information (read: Wikipedia) has this to say about centipedes.

“Centipedes (from Latin prefix centi-, “hundred”, and Greek ποδός podos, “foot”) are arthropods belonging to the class Chilopoda and the Subphylum Myriapoda. They are elongated metameric animals with one pair of legs per body segment. A key trait uniting this group is a pair of venom claws or forcipules formed from a modified first appendage. This also means that centipedes are an exclusively predatory taxon, which is uncommon.”

Yeah, whatever. The Professor has this to say: Centipedes are f*cking scary. Bottom line. These creepy little bastards do not f*ck around, and today’s clip will prove just that.

Now, these guys aren’t huge – the largest living species is weighing in at measly 12 inches. Not exactly run for this hills material, but I guarantee you catch that crawling around in your pantry and you’re not giving it time to answer any questions. Normally, these guys don’t pose a particular venomous threat, unless you happen to be allergic, but The Professor remains skeptical about the commonality of such an allergy. Most likely, you’re in the clear.

No, the real nightmare juice comes from their vicious efficiency when dealing with their prey. The Professor, being the imaginative and fiendish fellow he is, begins to picture centipedes the size of Buicks brutally taking down all in their way and killing with surgical presicion. Your dog isn’t safe. The neighborhood mule isn’t safe. Your grandma Betsy sure as sh*t ain’t safe, and neither are you, pal.

We get movies all the time with massive snakes, hyper intelligent super-sharks, and giant man-eating ants, sure, but where the hell are all the centipedes! You take a wild-eyed geneticist, toss in some lazy, underpaid dock workers, mix in a rogue sample of science goop and a haphazardly constructed shipping crate containing an Amazonian giant centipede and you’ve got a real horror show on your hands, kids. It stars Tom Berenger, Xibit, that kid from the Mac ads, some random Brazilian model that has all here lines dubbed and it’s awesome. Check it out on Sci-Fi next month. It’s called,…are you ready?

“CENTIPEDE” and it has a wonderfully crafted tag line about how humans are no longer on the top of the food chain or some such nonsense. Original sh*t.

Well that’s enough of my buffoonery; you came here for some video madness, not to watch me prattle on incessantly. I will say this however. The faint of heart among you may want to take a pass on today’s madness. Wait, what am I thinking? You’re all some hardcore fright freaks, right? I mean, a little wild kingdom sh*t isn’t gonna make you grab your bags and hit the road at this point, is it? Well, lets hope not, or The Professor might be getting some angry phone calls from disgruntled parents curious as to why they can’t get their kids to sleep.

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