Horror Gossip: 04.05.2009

t’s so hard for me not to rant about the sequels and remakes but seeing how there are so many of them, every column I do I am going to put aside a section to discuss how retarded and unoriginal America is.

Are you guys really running out of that many ideas? Why do you feel the need to remake all the classics and steal the Asians work as well? I am so mad about this monstrosity Nightmare on Elm Street remake. What are you thinking? You’re such an ass hole and you just want to make money I think. How could you do this to me? Nightmare on Elm Street is a classic! Jackie Earle Haley is one creepy looking mofo but I don’t care. He’s not Robert Englund and he can suck my d*ck. I will not be seeing this movie, no no way. When I saw the teaser I threw my shoe at my tv I was so mad. No really, I keep my computer hooked up to my flat screen so yea.

I wouldn’t mind seeing the remake to The Step Father. Maybe they will do a good job. Maybe not. We posted pictures on the new Michael Myers kid in Rob Zombie’s H2. Honestly, I do not care because I don’t want to see this either. Okay, maybe I will see it because I do like Rob Zombie but damnit his films make me feel like I need a bath afterwards. I wish he would go for a different look/style for at least one of his films.

All the characters are gross and complete ass holes, white trash screaming at each other. Do all the characters have to be like that EVERYTIME? I hope I’m not coming off as angry today but I am a fan of all the original horror films and people keep f**king them up!

There seems to be wide variety of zombie films coming out. I don’t want to be mean and just boycott everything and rag so much but I am not pleased about this either. I’m just all about the classics. I did enjoy the Dawn of the Dead remake. I thought it was well done but it’s just one zombie film after another and they’re not that different from each other. I didn’t see Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead or Undead….because I don’t want to. Can you blame me? 

How is it that snake films are being made so much? Have they really become that popular? I’ll admit Anaconda was somewhat entertaining for me but all the rest, I don’t know.

The film is called Silent Venom. A military crew is trapped on a sub where the snakes attack. Wow. Did you see Snakes on a Plane? I’m surprised they didn’t call this Snakes on a Sub having Samuel L. Jackson screaming, “I’m tired of these damn snakes on the sub!” The fourth Anaconda is coming out and I think it’s hilarious they’re still making sequels to those films. I think the fact that they’re making sequels to a lot of films is pathetic. Maybe the fans are screaming for more Freddy and Jason but who is really screaming for more Anacondas? You suck.

There’s a Saw rip off out there called “The Taken” Six strangers taken against their will wake up to find themselves prisoners of a masked Psychopath in the film The Taken. One by one the strangers are ripped from their restraints and hauled away to fall victim to their captor’s demented games and experiments. The killers mask is pretty original. I think I’ll pass. Haha, really who made this and why? I don’t care to see Haunting in Connecticut because well mainly I just don’t enjoy a lot of new films and secondly, I am real tired of every film coming out claiming to be based on a true story when it’s really not. I have a big problem with that. Not just because they’re lying to get attention towards their film but because there are all these ass holes out there going, “Oh yea that’s based on a true story.” And I’m like no and they try to argue with me as if they know better.

I live in Texas and a lot of the residents here are dumb enough to believe Texas Chainsaw Massacre is real. I don’t believe in ghosts or haunting so don’t make me believe that supernatural things happened in this families home that was a former mortuary. I’m pretty sure it’s about as real as the whole Amityville story and An American Haunting. I’m not buying it. Don’t give me this “oh there was a documentary” on it crap. I’m still not buying it because ghosts aren’t real. If something bad happens in a place and you know it, your mind is going to play tricks on you and make you see things.

Coming to DVD: Night of the Creeps. OH good news. If you haven’t seen the film and have the means, I highly suggest you pick up a copy. It comes out in October and it’s a directors cut with special features. A criterion collection for Guillermo Del Toro’s Cronos will be available as well.

Mimic will be re released as well on July 8th from Dimension Films. S.Darko comes out April 28th and I want to give it a chance. You never know about these things and I like the style of the film from the pictures and trailer. But then again, it might be kinda gay.

Good news on the comic book front.
Fox Atomic Comics and BOOM! Studios announced today at the Emerald City Comicon in Seattle, WA that July will see 28 DAYS LATER return to comic books and graphic novels. Initial launch story will be firmly based in 28 DAYS LATER continuity with the first arc focusing on Selena. Bridging the gap between 28 DAYS LATER and 28 WEEKS LATER, a few key questions will be answered along the way: what happened to Selena after 28 DAYS LATER? How did Selena happen upon the machete she wields in 28 DAYS LATER? Buffy the Vampire Slayer seems to be selling well but I haven’t been keeping up with it too too much because the last issue I read was about killer kittens. Now are you ready for this? I am excited about the new Anita Blake. I love Anita Blake so much. Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse — Necromancer #1 will arrive in stores on April 8 from Marvel Comics.

The issue is written by Laurell K. Hamilton and Jessica Ruffner, with art nad cover by Ron Lim. “The second chapter of begins here! Vampire hunter Anita Blake has crossed the paths of the worst St. Louis has to offer–and now they want her out of the picture for good. But Anita isn’t the type of person to go down without a fightŠand she’s going to make sure it hurts something fierce.”

Newest reviews by me; The Broken, Wait Until Dark, In the Mouth of Madness, and Junk. Autopsy will be added later today along with a few more old school films. Next week I hope to have The Tribe, Sauna, Cold Prey 2, and Vampire in Vegas finished. *For the record, I love the 8 films to die for but Autopsy pissed me off. See The Broken, I was very pleased. I also have a couple past 8 films to die for I hope to review. Those being Dark Ride (Obviously a rip off of Funhouse but I enjoyed it) and Nightmare Man (How this is actually a part of the 8 films to die for I have no idea.)

Lou Perryman passed away and so did Andy Hallet. Sad news.

Campfire Tales (I dug it) is coming 06/23/09, Nightmare Castle (1965) 5/19/09, The Legend of Blood Castle (1972) coming 5/19/09, and that terrible My Blood Valentine remake 3d will be on dvd 5/19/09 if anyone actually cares.

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