Film Review: Boogeyman (2012)

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SYNOPSIS:

The film opens with brothers Jacob and Isaac playing around the neighborhood “creepy house.” Jacob, the younger of the two, is obviously freaked out by the house and what unknown horrors may lie inside, but one of Isaac’s friends takes Jacob’s cell phone and throws it through a window on the top floor. Now Jacob is forced to go inside. Unbeknownst to Jacob and the others, the house is a prison to a creature as old as the book of Genesis from the bible itself — and it’s as pissed off and hungry as it is old. Jacob accidentally sets the creature free and upon realizing it’s free, the creature’s guard, Mr. Skinner, has a heart attack and dies, setting off a chain of events that leads to the creature going on a massive killing spree.Mike (Eddie McClintock) is hot on the trail of this very old killer!! Jacob and Isaac’s father, Mike (Eddie McClintock), who also happens to be a cop in the small town, is investigating the death of Mr. Skinner when he and his female partner Rebecca (Amy Bailey), are sucked into the conspiracy of what the creature is, why it’s in their town, and why it has targeted Jacob.

REVIEW:

Written by: David Reed
Directed by: Jeffery Lando
Starring: Eddie McClintock, Amy Bailey, Emma Samms, Danny Horn

QUICK FIX:

In this SyFy Saturday premiere, a group of young boys are doing things that young boys aren’t supposed to do but yet do anyway (of course) and one decides to throw our young hero boy’s cell phone through the top window of the local “SPOOOOOOKY old house” to, of course, make him prove his worthiness by sending him in to get it. He goes in, and on his way up to the top floor to retrieve his phone, he accidentally sets loose the BOOGEYMAN of the movie’s title.

The B’Man’s guardian tries to save the day but instead has a heart attack and dies, thereby giving us a movie where B’Man (who dates all the way back to Genesis) and his skull mask (which, by the way, has the most hilarious looking “DUUUUH” face on it I’ve seen in a horror movie, I think, ever) targets the young boy, who also happens to be the local sheriff’s kid (of course) and goes on a killing spree in order to find a new Guardian to keep him locked up in a secret room in his old house behind a particle board wall with a few chains and a padlock. Yes, the ultimate evil supernatural being that’s been around since Genesis formed in England back in 1967 has been held away from wreaking havoc on our entire planet by a single piece of wood and a few chains. Whew! Thank the Heavens for that Blessed Padlock, right??

RAMBLINGS:

Okay, I feel as though I must explain a couple of my wild accusations. First – yes, I knew right off the bat that he was the “hero” boy because he was the one getting picked on. Second – I’m not kidding or exaggerating one little bit about the sliding wooden door held by chains and eyehooks and a padlock. And dear lawdy please filmmakers please, please remember this for the inevitable sequel you set up – do NOT let the next Guardian be stupid enough to leave the key for said Blessed Padlock hanging RIGHT BY THE FRICKIN FRACKIN BLESSED PADLOCK!!!! Right there on the wall!!! Sheesh, really??! Oh, and third – silly me…the writer of this movie was referring to the BIBLICAL Genesis apparently; not the band at all in any sense from when they formed or when Phil Collins took over in 1975 and they went on to have a string of Number One hits worldwide with “Land of Confusion” and a couple dozen jazzy power ballads that according to some movies, even Mike Tyson himself can’t get enough of.

Personally, I would have preferred that storyline WAY more to the one they actually used here. Had that been the case, I have no doubt in my mind that I would’ve been able to stay awake the first time I watched it (sober, mind you…boo) and wouldn’t have had to constantly rewind the DVR thingy to where I left off each time as I repeatedly asked myself why I was doing this in the first place. I still do not have the answer at this time.

I enjoy Eddie McClintock on those rare occasions when I remember to watch WAREHOUSE 13, but this was SyFy’s stab at making a real dark flick instead of a mutated giant creature feature and not really sure he shoulda played the sheriff the same way as his character on the TV show. Or so it seemed to me. The only character that was halfway convincing was his partner on the force/lover-with-a-secret, but I figured out her secret within two minutes of her first appearance on screen only to have it blatantly given away by the filmmakers in the next scene. Another bad call by the filmmakers.

It’s easy for me to write something great about a movie when I love it. It’s equally easy to write something angry when I’m venting about a really sh*tty movie. SyFy gives me both on a regular basis. But when a movie just sucks because of so many factors rolled into one to the extent that I’m not pissed off but just bored, that’s tougher to do in many ways. But as hundreds of drunk women know, I never fail to rise to the occasion.

LAST WORDS:

Bad writing from start to finish had me reeling in pain. The “Big Reveal” in the final ten minutes where we actually get to find out where the creature came from, who it is, and what its motivation is comes waaaaay too late. Nice job guys, ya coulda revealed that earlier and had tons of fun playing with the mythology but you blew that one too. The creature makeup was insulting to me – I’ve seen better results come from features that cost three thousand dollars to make. The biblical undertones were obvious and painful but more for the fact that like I said – they could’ve had fun with that but they waited and it blew up in their faces. And let’s not forget the foggiest town in America that also seems to be the smallest town with the largest police force for any small town I do believe I’ve ever seen on film. And as easily as they’re dispatched (HA) of by a slow-moving low budget creature, they also must be the most inept cops in America.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. Yeah, I was bored, but this was a chance for my beloved SyFy Saturdays to take a dark turn and prove that they were more than just over the top giant creature features. Although I do enjoy those immensely, I was looking to sassify my darker side too. But this wasn’t it at all. Someone in the studio needs bound & gagged, and be forced to watch the sh*t they approved to film so that they don’t make the same mistake again!

Boogeyman (2012)