A druidic cult wreaks havoc on a small town in upstate New York. They capture victims and drain them of their blood for a ritual intended to maintain the life-force of their ancient queen.
What, you ask, is a blood farmer? Well. I’m here to tell you. Blood farmers dress a lot like normal farmers: overalls, plaid, straw hats. You’ll know one when you see one, though. Their artificially colored, silver hair gives them away. Every time. And their manner of speech … they talk like a bunch of Shakespeare in the Park rejects. And they’ve been known, occasionally, to don black, pointy hoods.
So you can’t miss them.
But, brother, you’d best watch out for these blood farmers, if you know what’s good for you. They’ll bludgeon you to an inch of your life then drain all the blood from your body.
Blub, blub, blub.
This is the sound their victims make, as the blood leaves their bodies: “AGHHUGHHEEEEEHUGHHOOOOHAGHHHHH! AGH! AGHEH! BLAGHHEEEGHHHHH! BLAGHHEEEEGHHHHHHHUGH!”
They’ll also—roll over, Alfred Hitchcock—attack you in the shower, and they’ve been known to eat raw dog meat.
Why, you ask, do the blood farmers farm blood? Well, they’re working for Crouton—I mean, Creton—the black-robed, medallion-wearing, English accent-speaking, nefarious leader of the Sangroids. A Druidic blood cult. I guess he’s the leader (get a load of those sideburns). Creton is assisted by his friends, Egon and Ogmar. And don’t forget Sargon. Once the Sangroids get enough blood from the blood farmers, their queen will, let’s see, how did they put it? Oh, yeah. “The Queen will breathe her own life into her people and smite her enemies with the simple touch of her hand!!!!” So I guess he won’t be the leader anymore, after they’re done with their little sacrifice.
Wow, INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS. Action-packed—and gruesome, too. After that nice little history lesson about the Druids in the beginning it really goes into overdrive. In case you were wondering, historically, they’re a bunch of blood sacrificers.
No one at the little mountain bar can find Jim Carrey. Anywhere. But are they sure he isn’t just wandering the streets with blood pouring out of his mouth?
“Old Jimmy looked like he blew up!”
(How, exactly, did this one get a PG rating?).
Talk about suspense, too. Will father-in-law/son-in-law Roy Anderson and Don Tucker—a skilled team of pathologists … or morticians … or something—be able to figure out what’s causing all this strangeness in time? They are, after all, “dealing with a force they know nothing about.” Will they be able to stop it? They better … because something bad will happen if that Queen rises. I think so, anyway. Something bad probably would happen, given those circumstances. The local sheriff, who I believe went on to voice Carl on the AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE, isn’t much help at all. So the stakes are set pretty high. PRETTY high in this small, sleepy, upper-state New York town.
Do you like Herschel Gordon Lewis? Al Adamson? Do you want to watch something that makes those directors look competent? Well, INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS is a great choice. Do you like your movies full of fakey English accents? Are you sick and tired of relevant dialogue? Do you want to see cutting edge continuity errors confusing night and day? Do you love incoherence, sloppiness, screaming, blood, unnecessarily melodramatic music, awkward, interrupted sex scenes? Is I DRINK YOUR BLOOD your idea of a good film? I EAT YOUR SKIN? BLOOD BEAST OF MONSTER MOUNTAIN? GARDEN OF THE DEAD? SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED? We-ell.
I can tell you, maybe, just maybe, you will have the stomach for INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS. It’s a nightmare in sincerity
… an accidental masterpiece, in other words, really.
Remember: “The Sangroid shall be eternal!”