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Horrors of Humanity: I am So Goth I am Dead…now!

I am so Goth I am dead…Now!

What the f*ck can I say about the Goth subculture that could not already be summed up within my last bowel movement? They are both kind of dark, smell weird, stay in a confined area away from sunlight, and float in a bowl. Wait a minute; maybe they are different so forget I compared the two.

Goth comes with a defined set of sociological standards whether they like to fit under a label or set of standards or not. Welcome to the existential and communicative comprehension. Even be to non-existent is existent because you comprehended and said it so get over the linguistic semantics. What was I saying? Never mind, those f*cking unicorns are back in my peripheral distracting my train of thought again. I should be able to focus because they didn’t bring the hookers this time.

We should of course differentiate between Goth and Emo, even though they both apparently shop at the same stores and whine a lot about being in the sun. That and they both get beat up a lot, only the Emo crowd feel as if they deserved it. Goth is also supposedly a lifestyle and not a Halloween costume worn after they get off of work from their retail job.

Emo kids don’t wear the costume because they live at home still because they cry and whine too much to even have a retail job. Also, Goths just look dead and Emo wish they were dead. I personally wish they were both dead but that’s because I hate everyone. You knew that already though.

Why are Goths, Goth? That may be a question of cosmic proportions that would also give any Jungian a wet dream. If it were a Freudian, that wet dream would involve something gay and your mom. Many Goths are the way they are to be different, to stray off of the path of societal conformity. Of course the collective of the subculture all look the same anyway so when too many are “different” beneath the same fashion paradigm, they all assimilate into a well…collective. It’s like forming a group for anarchists. The joke is on them I suppose. Well at least the Goth chicks are HOT!

Society often has issues when dealing with not just Goths but every different subculture. How does one deal with all the black clothes, death fetishes, and makeup? Well you can ignore them, which is good because it makes them feel like their scary magic powers are cloaking them in shadow. You can point, laugh, and make fun of them, they are used to that one for certain. You can also just kick them to death.

And without further digression, this edition of Horrors of Humanity will not just discuss kicking Goths to death; it sadly will validate exactly why this column can exist. It will also further fuel my misanthropic attitude towards the corporeal disease called humanity.

The story is not so recent and pretty well know but grabbed my attention nonetheless so I wanted to write about it. Apparently it was huge news but my social apathy made it come to me now, get over it. Welcome to Lancashire England, where according to the A Day In The Life by the Beatles, has 4000 holes. Little did they know that they were foreordaining the holes in Sophie Lancaster’s head. Sophie Lancaster, 20 and her boyfriend Robert Maltby, 21 were walking in Stubbylee Park in Bacup, Lancashire last summer when they were victims of a group beating.

A group of typical teenage undeveloped pre-frontal lobe assholes started beating on the couple because they looked Goth and didn’t look exactly like the group’s dynamic of classic homoerotic inbred circle jerking. The five youths, who all seem to have the same hairstylist, savagely attacked the couple in a case of “feral thuggery”. Whether the five assailants were actually werewolves remains to be seen. Nothing has happened yet with the passing full moons so I suspect they are not so feral.

The five teens repeatedly stomped on the heads of Sophie and Robert all the while the couple were begging for mercy. The couple was beaten so bloodily that when paramedics arrived they could not tell them apart and it wasn’t because they shared the same makeup and nail polish.

Sophie’s head was beaten so bad that she entered a coma and never regained consciousness. She died on her lucky number 13 days later. Robert suffered bleeding to the brain and now has an even greater phobia and angst against society then he did before the attack.

The attackers, who shall remain nameless here because I do not wish to add to their prison fame, have all been sentenced four months to four years, not a bad gig for committing a murder. No wonder the world is as bad as it is. This is a case where Old Testament vengeful God syndrome should manifest.
So what’s the moral of the story my dear readers? Well first and foremost move to Lancashire because you can kill someone and be free sooner than achieving a BA in criminology. I suppose the other lesson here would be that if you wish to walk a road less travelled in society, be prepared for harassment, prejudice, and to experience the stereotypical natures of the common denominator of humanity. And for f*cking f*ck’s sake at least carry a Saturday night special, knives, or some other weapon of choice to fend off the assholes of the world. I am bored now so going to go cry, cut my wrists, and paint my nails black…maybe kill a puppy or two, then cry about it.

Below are the links; there is even a f*cking myspace page and Wikipedia for it. You know you have made it when you have a Wikipedia…too bad she had to die to get it.



  1. Anonymous cool person

    Real goths are actually really nice and very awesome and waaaaay better looking than stupid Emos, preps, jocks, and nerds etc. judging from this article, you don’t even know what goth is, you stupid buttface.

  2. I have to agree with the previous comment. Whoever wrote this post knows nothing about goth. Just Like anonymous cool Person, I’m a real goth and I’m not a thing like what you described. And how dare you criticize Sophie! She didn’t deserve to die!!!! How dare you say that hate crimes are good!!!! >:(


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