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SYNOPSIS:
A group of women quit their day jobs as Gold miners to embark on a life of crime but eventually find themselves enmeshed with the wrong people & end up in prison where they are preyed upon by a sadistic lesbian warden.
REVIEW:
Oh Hell yeah! I’m back from the brink people! Your favorite Saint is still fighting off the flu bug from hell but I’m starting to feel a litle bit better I think. I lost 9 lbs over the last 2 weeks due to the copious amounts of liquids that I’ve been expelling from every orifice I had (& a couple I didn’t know existed). Of course I’ve been ingesting copious amounts of liquids & narcotics of all sorts to counteract this wicked little Satan bug that’s taken hold of me & my bowels & although I’m still feeling pretty weak, I’m (barely) back in the saddle again.
My super cool editor asked if I would be interested in watching some movies & write up some reviews for them & I figured “What the hell”? I’m stuck in bed for awhile..might as well watch some new movies & give you guys the straight dope on what’s good & what’s not. Unfortunately the first one I put on was Ted V. Mikels “10 Violent Women”. Be careful what you ask for people…you just might get it.
“10 Violent Women” immediately gets off on the wrong foot with the realization that there are only 8 of them. WTF? If you’re going to name your movie “10 Violent women” I better count ten of those bitches, & they better be pretty f*cking violent as well. But we only get 8 of them (Does Ted think we can’t count)? And when we meet them they’re working in a gold mine hoping to strike it rich. They have a demolition expert helping them in their endeavours & he’s set up some Dynamite in the mine they’re working in. Too bad for them that he’s set it up in the wrong end of the cave & upon detonation traps a couple of our violent women in the mine momentarily. They are rescued, none the worse for wear & all of them decide that mining isn’t going to make them rich anytime soon. So they promptly decide that crime is the answer to all of their problems, just like that.
Upon hearing of this proclamation, the demolition expert announces that since he’s worked for them for 3 weeks straight & hasn’t received any payment for his time he’s going to get something else in lieu of payment. So he promptly attacks one of our violent women & begins to throw her to the ground as he rips her top off. Mind you this is in broad daylight with the other 7 women looking on. What is this guy thinking? All of the women promptly beat the sh*t out of the bum before they embark on their new life of crime. They decide to pull off a jewelry heist & have already picked their target. Amazingly, they pull off the heist without a hitch & escape with $1,000,000 worth of diamonds & gold. Their problems begin when they look for someone to fence the valuables to. that someone turns out to be Leo, played by Ted Mikels himself. We’re introduced to him as he’s waxing his mustache poolside & barking into a phone about the deal he’s about to make with our violent women. Too bad for everyone involved, the deal goes sour for both sides & Ted ends up stomped to death by one of our violent ladies but not before he shoots one of them.
In their struggle with Leo the ladies not only get their baubles back but they also get $1,500,000 worth of Heroin. So now they’ve got the jewelry & drugs to sell. They appear to be set but one of them gets busted & killed by Narcs while trying to sell the Heroin in an undecover sting operation. The others try to escape but are caught & arrested. Now it should be pointed out that we started out with 8 violent women & we lost 2 of them to gunshot wounds which leaves us with 6 right? Ok, four of them get arrested during the sting operation which leaves us with two, right? So where did they go? The only black violent woman just dropped out of the movie & so did one of the others. Where did they go? I couldn’t tell you if you paid me. They just stopped being in the movie. They vanished…poof! And no mention of them is made after their disappearance at all. They just ceased to exist. That is some lazy sh*t right there. Mikels wrote the script, couldn’t he have at least killed them? That would’ve made sense at the very least. But no, they just vanish into the void. Never to be seen again. Ugh. I’m feeling sicker as this turdblossom of a movie continues. Why oh why did I ask for this? Is there no justice? I think my editor might hate me…
Oh well, our 4 remaining violent women dwindle down to two as they are incarcerated for their involvement in the botched drug deal. What happens to the other two? I don’t know!! Apparently they got sent to a different wing of the prison because once again Ted didn’t have the time to explain why they just vanished into the ephemera either. It should be noted that all of the women in the film were Ted’s “Castle Girls”. You see Ted lived in an actual castle in the Hollywood hills & he had himself a harem of women who in exchange for room & board helped him with his movies. They also learned all of the different facets of moviemaking since Ted basically had his own studio in the castle & had all of his own filmmaking equipment as well. So he had a crew living with him constantly & apparently had his “Favorites” amongst them as well. I think our remaining 2 violent women happened to be his favorites at the time and that’s why they’re still in the movie…I think. But putting all that aside for now, we have 2 women remaining in the movie & now they’re in a prison that looks suspiciously like the basement of a castle that’s dressed up with some iron bars on some of the doors & some more violent women. The warden is a sadistic lesbian who resembles the love child of former Dallas Cowboys head coach Jimmy Johnson & Televangelist Orel Roberts with tits. She wants nothing more than to spend time with her new inmates but is rebuffed at every advance she makes which just makes her ornery as all get out.
She sets up a beatdown for our two women in the shower (by the way, they shower fully dressed in this prison. What the f*ck)? but our two violent women get the best of their attackers which just pisses off the warden even more. Meanwhile they meet two not so violent women who are planning an escape & need some help so the (now back up to) four violent women plot & execute an escape to freedom. They go right to a hotel where they binge on room service & clothing. There is a funny scene here where the women talk excitedly about beng able to sleep in a King sized bed for once but upon closer inspection they’re sleeping on a sofabed in one of Ted’s rooms in his castle. Did you think I wouldn’t notice this Ted? Oh boy, this is really bad. The other two girls decide they have to leave the next morning, why? I don’t know. Where are they going? They’re still convicted felons who’ve escaped from prison, where are they going to go? Does anyone care? To top it all off, they leave the remaining 2 violent women with the bill for the hotel. Did it not come to their attention that they didn’t have any money to pay for all their room service? As a matter of fact…how did they check the f*ck into the hotel in the first place? Oh Ted Mikels…how I hate you right about now.
But lo & behold 2 Arabs appear in their room to make them a deal. You see these arabs are the owners of some of the jewelry the women stole earlier in the movie & they have been following them throughout the film looking to retrieve the sacred “Scarab Ring” that their master must have returned to him. Of course, said ring is on the finger of one of our violent femmes & they make a deal for the girls to work off their hotel debt by dancing for them on their private yacht. The girls agree & take to belly dancing pretty well. So well that the film ends with a policeman boarding the ship to arrest the girls for theft when the arabs decide to drop all charges since they got their ring back. The cop proclaims “I guess I’m not needed here” and leaves. WHAT THE FUCK? They’re still 2 escaped prisoners on the lam..doesn’t that count for something anymore? At that point the girls are invited to stay on the yacht & travel around the world in luxury! And then this piece of sh*t ends with a title card proclaiming “And they all lived happily ever after”. Oh my god.
You know it’s not like Mikels can’t make an entertaining movie. He has and on a lot less money than he had here. But man he was slumming really bad with this one. No characterization at all. You’ll notice that I never mentioned the names of the characters or the actors who are playing them. That’s because they’re so interchangeable & boring that I just didn’t care about them at all. The script has them digging for Gold, robbing a jewelry shop, stomping a man to death, sellin drugs & going to a prison with a lesbian warden in it. That sounds kind of exciting doesn’t it? Well it isn’t. Not at all. Everyone involved is just going through the motions in this one. Everyone except Ted who has a lot of fun with his small part.
I remember seeing an interview with Mikels on tv years ago & he spoke of his dream project: A retelling of “Beowulf”. He held up the script proclaiming it the “Best script he’d ever written” & that he was actively courting investors to make it happen. Well, I’ve seen at least 3 different “Beowulf” movies since then & his name was attached to none of them so that dog probably isn’t going to hunt anytime soon. But I remember his passion talking about the script & I really wanted to see what he could do. It’s too bad he never got his chance to do “Beowulf” his way. If nothing else it would’ve been a hoot to watch I’m sure.
In conclusion, “10 Violent Women” is neither very violent & doesn’t even feature 10 women commiting any violent acts. There is very little nudity in the film as well. It felt to me like Ted just put in a pair of boobs every so often to keep people awake. Even in the prison there isn’t much boobage on display & the one sex scene between 2 women is so poorly lit that you can’t see anything anyway. Why bother Ted? Don’t f*cking tease the target audience. If the movie is called “10 Violent Women” certain expectations come along with that title & by not meeting them you do your audience a great disservice.
If you wake up one day & decide that you just gotta have aTed Mikels movie in your dvd player that evening then go with “Corpse Grinders” or “Astro Zombies” instead. As a matter of fact try to hunt down his “Doll Squad”. That’s a pretty good movie it shows what he could do with a little more money & some good actors. It was the (alleged) inspiration for television’s “Charlie’s Angels” & it’s a lot of fun to watch. But by all that’s holy, stay away from “10 Violent Women”. Stay far, far away from this celluloid abortion.
Before I sign off I would just like to give a little shout out to my little girl who turned 21 this past weekend. She graduates from college in May & I just wanted to let her know how proud I am of her. The world better look out…she’s coming & she doesn’t suffer fools lightly. I love you J.
So until next time acolytes, if you haven’t gotten it yet get your flu shot as soon as possible. It’s f*cking important. Keep your sneakers clean & above all else, say your prayers every night….TO ME!