Dolemite is a pimp who was set up by Willie Greene and the cops, who have planted drugs, stolen furs, and guns in his trunk and got him sentenced to 20 years in jail. One day, Queen B and a warden planned to get him out of Jail and get Willie Green and Mitchell busted for what they did to him. However, Dolemite is no stupid man and has a lot of warriors backing him, such as his call girls, who are Karate Experts–and lots more….
â€śDolemiteâ€ť | â€śDolemite 2, The Human Tornadoâ€ť
â€śRat soup eatâ€™n motherf*cker.â€ť
Disclaimer: If you are a person who is threatened by political incorrectness, is overly sensitive to sexist or racial humor you should probably just steer clear of anything Dolemite, it will just be too strong for you. Weâ€™re talking about Dolemite here and you probably canâ€™t dig it motherf*cker. Also Iâ€™m writing about the sequel and the original film in the same piece cause theyâ€™re kind of one in the same-ish.
Dolemite, thatâ€™s all I should have to write -but that is a far cry from the reality because not enough people know about Dolemite. Dolemite is so bad ass that his producer credit comes after the directorâ€™s credit in the opening title sequence. This is the only film Iâ€™ve ever seen where a producerâ€™s name comes after the directors in the opening title credits. Now Dolemite or Rudy Ray Moore are one in the same, but all facts aside the man should be his own f*cking religionâ€¦ like the way Santa Muerte is the patron saint of criminals, Dolemite is the patron Saint of the motherf*cking macks, pimps and players with much to teach his disciplesâ€¦ such as always exercise in bed before laying the pipe on the ladies. I sh*t you not there is a scene where Dolemite and one of his girls are exercising in bed completely naked before getting down to business, and they are using some kind of weird work out equipment to boot! See â€śDolemite 2 The Human Tornadoâ€ť for this sensualâ€¦ well not really, love making sceneâ€¦
â€śBitch you bring me these God Damned cotton draws you know I donâ€™t wear no cotton draws.â€ť
â€śDolemiteâ€ť (part 1) is about a street pimp who is on a secret mission for the governor of California to find the man who framed him for cocaine possession. Now just to be clear Iâ€™m talking about â€śDolemiteâ€ť being framed NOT the governor of California, now only if Schwarzenegger had the same kind of dedication to justice to let other criminals out of jail to find the men who framed them.
â€śDolemiteâ€ť is a tad more serious than â€śDolemite 2 The Human Tornadoâ€ť but the performances in both films are on the money as well as the AMAZING dialogue, which is really funny and really vulgar. But the biggest difference is in â€śDolemite 2â€ť Dolemiteâ€™s kung fu skills areâ€¦ well, they look a lot less like Marky Markâ€™s kung fu in â€śBoogie Nightsâ€ť but itâ€™s mostly cause in â€śDolemite 2â€ť they speed up the film. Also in â€śDolemite 2â€ť Dolemite is doing a lot more naked stuntsâ€¦ Yes, heâ€™s naked in this picture and jumping off a â€ścliff.â€ť
Iâ€™m sorry if this review seems very non-sequitur but you have to understand there is so much bad ass sh*t to tell you about that goes down in film but there is not much really IN the film. They are pure entertainment, tits, ass, kung fu, laughs and then everything else you can come to expect from a Blaxploitation film. And as far as the acting goes Rudy Ray Moore was a failed R&B singer turned standup comedian who at 48 wrote, produced and stared in his first film, oddly he does it all perfectlyâ€¦ But you have to see Dolemite to get Dolemiteâ€¦
Speaking of standup in â€śDolemiteâ€ť there is a scene in the middle of the film where Dolomite does some of his stand up but he does it in a kind of tame fashionâ€¦ So heâ€™s not just a street pimp but heâ€™s also a standup comedian. When I say â€śtameâ€ť I mean that in comparison to his â€śrealâ€ť stand up which is intercut throughout the first half of â€śDolemite 2.â€ť If youâ€™re old enough you might remember a â€ścontroversialâ€ť standup comedian from the 80â€™s named Andrew â€śDiceâ€ť Clay â€“ who was a nice Italian boy from New York, well â€śDiceâ€ť barrowed a little bit of Dolemiteâ€™s material but Dolemite IS FAR FILITHIER and FAR LESS POLITCALLY CORRECT.
How filthier and how far less P.C.? Let me break it down for you this way, Dolemite speaks in a certain formula â€“this is a kin to haiku so pay attention to the art form here, in no particular order this is what you need to form a proper Dolemite sentence: 1 random curse word, the word â€śmotherf*cker*â€ť, a racial slur about the race of the person you are addressing and while it is not required each alternating sentence should rhyme with the pervious sentence and additional points for 70â€™s â€śjiveâ€ť added at the end. The jive sentence at the end is the only sentence that DOES NOT require a random vulgarity or a â€śmotherf*ckerâ€ť and it doesnâ€™t need to rhyme. This ending serves the purpose of informing those listening to you that you are through speaking and they can now respond. Because of course if someone speaks before you end your sentence you then need to whoop them with your pimp stick –provided itâ€™s handy, likewise you default to brining a foot to that ass. So to demonstrate:
Honkey asshole motherf*ckers should know I invented film criticisms.
Shit eating crackers who donâ€™t know this fact should apply their motherf*cking assholes to their thumbs.
Can you dig it?
So as you can see each sentence has a racial slur â€śHonkeyâ€ť and â€ścrackersâ€ť respectively, the sentence has itâ€™s random curse word â€śassholeâ€ť and again in the second sentence â€śassholesâ€ť yet in a different context so for the sake of variation I used â€śShit eatersâ€ť as well in the second sentence. Each sentence has its own â€śmotherf*cker.â€ť The two sentences are coupled with rhymes at their endings and despite the fact that word â€ścriticismsâ€ť should be in the singular making the rhyme always takes greater priority and thus the word is made plural to support both the flow and the structure. The entire speech** is capped off with a classic â€śCan you dig it?â€ť Which is a kind of cherry on top, the sentence it tells you something about the author in this case that I, Josh Darling, invented â€śfilm criticismsâ€ť and those whom are unaware of the fact can insert their thumbs into their rectal area. Because Dolemite rhymes just about 50% of the sh*t he says he would latter claim at his stand up shows that he invented rapping, which is just about as true as the claim that I invented the art of film critique.
If youâ€™re looking for something fun to do try speaking like this for a full dayâ€¦ Start at work and then bring it home. I hold no responsibility however for whatever responses you are met with, yet I can say this will be far more entertaining if you DO NOT break from this haiku exercise when confronted by the people in your companyâ€™s Human Recourses Department.
Iâ€™m pretty sure that even off camera Dolemite spoke this way and didnâ€™t have a human resources department to worry aboutâ€¦ And while Rudy Ray Moore created the character of â€śDolemiteâ€ť I refer to the actor and the character as one in the same mostly because I think he kind of just became the person he was in the films if he wasnâ€™t there already. We live in a time that is way too politically correct and sensitive to ever have another Dolemiteâ€¦ but maybe, just maybe, if the 3 wise men follow that motherf*cking star up high, then another motherf*cker named Dolemite will come drop the f*ck out of the sky.
Just on a weird epilogue to all of this is if youâ€™re wondering where Dolemite got his name from, itâ€™s a variation of Dolomite which is a mineral and according to about.com â€śDolomite â€¦ is a type of limestone that consists of both calcium and magnesium. Chemically, it is written either as CaMg(Co3)2 or CaCO3.MgCO3. Dolomite is a natural ceramic material, so actual chemical composition can vary to a certain degree.â€ť A lot of the plates and bowls that are larger in size (such as a 4 foot tall vase) the kind you might find at your local Pier 1 Imports most likely contain Dolomite in them to make them stronger, motherf*cker.
In tribute to Dolemite I tried to use the word â€śmotherf*ckerâ€ť as much as possible while writing this, Iâ€™m sure some readers may have felt it gratuitous, and those that did I would suggest sampling the rat soup, however I think Dolemite would be proud.
I would like to thank Josie Gallows for additional insight into Dolemiteâ€™s complex linguistic style, we both waxed on this and coming up with an exact paradigm of the diction was not easy. Also Dolemiteâ€™s â€śCan you dig itâ€ť is pre- â€śThe Warriors.â€ť
* On the usage of â€śmotherf*ckerâ€ť any variation of â€śmotherf*ckerâ€ť will do, such as â€śmotherf*ckingâ€ť as a verb or â€śmotherf*ckersâ€ť if addressing many people at once.
**While the words here are written the phrase itself would typically be spoken, so consider this a verbal proclamation not a written one while reading it.