Film Review: Killer Yacht Party (2006)

SYNOPSIS:

 This is one VIP list you don’t want to be on! LA club people have a ‘killer’ party on a private yacht, except the boat is haunted by the original owner Samantha who died on the maiden voyage.

REVIEW:

This will probably be the shortest review that The Black Saint will ever write. I’ve seen a whole bunch of movies in my lifetime. Some good ones..some bad ones & some that straddle the line between the two. Not good enough to be called good but not quite bad enough to be called bad either. They exist in a kind of cinematic purgatory, but they do have their fans nevertheless. But then there are movies like “Killer Yacht Party” which I hesitate to even call a movie. It’s more a bunch of scenes strung together by the flimsiest of plots. And most of the time the plot is ignored for a quick soft core sex scene to wake up those foolish enough to be watching it (I would be one of those fools), But I HAD to watch it, I didn’t choose to do so. You know the deal…evil editor loves to mock me with sh*t like this to review. I will get to him eventually, he can’t hide forever.

The movie you ask? Ostensibly it’s about a bunch of club goers who are dying to get on the “A” list for a very exclusive party to be held on a yacht. he names and the faces all began to look the same after about 10 minutes of this mess so whenever someone died, I just didn’t care. There are the usual stereotypes to be found at this party. The dumb blondes, the macho wanna be’s, the nice guys & the the spoiled ones as well. All of them you’ve seen in much better films than this one.

The issue at hand is that the luxury private yacht that the party is to be held on is haunted by Samantha, who originally owned the boat & died on it’s maiden excursion. So now Sammy wants the boat all to herself & starts offing people (offscreen mostly) helter skelter. The murders are pretty much par for the course, but if we can’t see anything but the aftermath, what’s to look forward to? I mean it is a horror movie, isn’t it? There is a fair share of blood splattering every so often but it isn’t nearly enough to satisfy any true gore hound. And the sex scenes are boring. Couldn’t they have at the very least, shown us a little more nudity? We get a fair to middling shot of some breasts & that’s about it. Even when a couple is having sex, they leave their clothes on. What’s the point? I kept telling myself “It’s got to get better”, but I had no such luck.

I’m not even going to disgrace this review by letting you guys know who stars in it or who wrote/directed it either. Unless you’re related to them you won’t care. And if you are related to them, you might want to distance yourself from them after watching this tripe. It’s filmed with what seemed to me to be a bunch of acting school students that just graduated & were really anxious to get a credit under their belt. All of them should demand a refund from whomever stole their tuition money because all of them suck. There is not one good performance in the film. At all.

The director knows how to frame a shot at least but his cinematographer can’t light a shot for sh*t. The film is murky looking throughout, even in the daytime scenes. You would think that we could get a nice shot of the sunrise or sunset since the film takes place on the yacht (mostly). But we don’t even get that. Just a bunch of incredibly stupid people who do incredibly stupid things in an incredibly stupid way. This is because of a incredibly stupid script that lacks any discernible scares. There is nothing scary about this film at all. A little spilled blood does not a horror movie make. They spill tons of blood on those medical shows on TV, they don’t call themselves horror shows do they? Nope, just “Medical Dramas”.

And to add insult to injury, the film ends with one of those incredibly slow end credit sequences where the credits creep down from the top of the screen to the bottom as some ersatz music plays. This is an obvious attempt to bring the running time to something close to 80 minutes at the very least. I’m figuring the film, sans credits, is about 74-75 minutes long. I’ve had longer bowel movements…they were scarier than this trash as well.

“Killer Yacht Party” gets the big zero shroud score from me. Usually, I give even the worst movies a 1/2 shroud because they managed to create & sell their product. I think that should count for something, not everyone can make a film. But I don’t want to encourage the makers of “Killer Yacht Party” to make another film. I mean, there are lots of fast food joints that need help out there. I’m sure McDonalds or Burger King is hiring, they always are…