The Bloody Brief – A Horror Comparison

So today I am quite pleased to introduce a new feature here at The Bloody Blender called “The Bloody BRIEF”. Pretty catchy and original huh? “But Loren, what is The Bloody Brief? What’s it all about and why are you doing it? Have you seen Timecop?” For those who have been religiously following my column to date (all 1.7 of you) you are no doubt familiar with the fact that I like to BLAB about a group of seemingly unrelated horror films tied together by various THEMES. 

The thing is I watch an outrageous amount of movies and sometimes there’s just no theme’s that strikes me, YET I still like to BLAB. I blab. SO WHAT? It’s my way. Thus comes the advent of The Bloody Brief. The Bloody Breif will be a bi-weekly RUNDOWN of my exploits including both TALES and SAGAs. 

So with that I give you the FIRST Bloody Brief. Please read, feel delight, and then sing my praise.

Here’s a thing that actually happened: 
So last night Jeff and Kjell came over to watch “Puppetmaster”. I’d only seen “Puppetmaster” once AGES ago and Jeff and I decided we needed to devote ourselves to the entire saga. (There are like 357 “Puppetmaster” movies!) The goal of course would be leading up to “Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys” which I have admired from a far but have not seen. Now, for background, Jeff comes over pretty much weekly for at least one movie night per week, plus he gets the opportunity to rough-house my dog Kobe and taunt him into submission. 

Recently I made the decision to begin inviting my friend Kjell (pronounced “Shell”) to these outings because a) His love of Iron Maiden b) His horror knowledge is considerable and c) He’s a cool dude who once told me all about how he did a “master cleanse” and then ate pizza. ANYWAYS – We were pretty AMPED for some sweet “Puppetmaster” action. The movie was IN the player, popcorn was POPPED, the sodas were CHILLED, the dog was in a frenzy….we were READY. The credits started to roll, but there was something odd. The credits were in some kind of Asian lettering. I began questioning my memory of the movie thinking “Was ‘Puppetmaster’ not made in America??”, but that quickly faded as the credits rolled. 

Then it hit me…this was the wrong movie! After some quick investigation we realized that instead of cueing up “Puppetmaster” from Netflix I had inadvertently cued up “The Puppet Master”, a documentary about Tawanese puppeteer Li Tien-lu. Words cannot describe the feeling of let-down and regret that I experienced at that moment. Left with only a few options we watched “Creepshow” for the 1000th time. You can’t go wrong with “Creepshow”.

Speaking of Saga’s: Last week was devoted to the “Basket Case” saga which I am happy to report was INCREDIBLY satisfying. For those of you not familiar I strongly suggest you make yourself familiar ASAP as I could deem them as ESSENTIAL craptastic masterpieces. The storyline follows Duane and his Siamese twin brother Belial. At birth Belial is the murderous BLOB that grows on Duane’s back. They are separated against their will, and HIJINX ensue! 

This saga feature some great things: a) Belial throwing a tantrum and smashing a bed on the ground b) A house full of MEGA freaks that include a MOONHEAD man, a MOUSE FACED man, a freak named “Huge Arthur” and a gaggle of other outrageous characters doing outrageous things c) a woman who has been pregnant with a dinosaur for six years, and d) a box full of baby Belials. “Basket Case 2” is the best by my estimation but they are all gems. This was a FAR more successful outing then the PREVIOUS weeks saga: The “Pumpkinhead” movies. Here’s the 411 THAT saga:

Pumpkinhead – Classic and amazing
Pumpkinhead 2 – Ridiculous yet essential
Pumpkinhead 3 – Passable, but has ‘made for Sci-Fi Channel written all over it.
Pumpkinhead 4 – Piece of “Shit”

Movies I was UNDERwhelmed by –

Terror Train – Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot to like about this post-Halloween Jamie Lee Curtis slasher pic (I mean…it DID feature the death of David Copperfield), but if given a choice between this and “Prom Night” I’m going with “Prom Night”. In fact it only added to my theory that Jamie Lee Curtis is the most overrated “scream queen” in horror history. (Read my last column about Linnea Quigley for more reference)

Rabid Grannies – Ok so I watched this streaming online based on title alone, and while it had many interesting ATTRIBUTES to it at the end of the day the title was the best part…oh…and for reference: The grannies weren’t in fact “rabid” rather they were “possessed by a demon”.

Movies I was OVERWhlemed by –

Let the Right One In – So I have this friend from Sweden who was going ya ya over this Swedish vampire flick and based on her exuberance alone I initially refused to watch it. Luckily for me I changed my mind ‘cause this was a fantastic take on bloodsucking BEASTS that gave both an original take while at the same time honoring the traditional vampire mythos. 

It was the viewing of this movie that got me into a vampire DISPUTE with a Buffy/Angel/Twilight fan about what constitutes a vampire. Mostly the dispute confirmed my theory that Buffy/Angel fans are about as fanatical about vampires as can be. I talked to one Buffy fan-girl who drank tomato juice cause she claimed it tasted like blood. (???) It also confirmed my opinion that “Twilight” was pure sh*t. Ok…I digressed a bit.

Loren’s Tip: The DVD is dubbed and the dubbing is TERRIBLE. When you watch it be sure to change the settings and watch it with sub-titles.

Microwave Massacre – Unlike “Rabid Grannies” this one had the title AND the goods to deliver. In fact the opening pre-credits sequence ALONE makes it a masterpiece. Not to mention the scene where a woman decides it’s a good job to shove her naked boobs through a hole in a wooden fence. Yup…that happened.

The Beast of Bray Road – I watched this on the Sci- Fi channel at 1am, and at the time it seemed real good. Then again at the time I was half asleep and playing Ski-Ball on my iPhone at the same time.

That’s all I got for now folks.
I love you all both hard and deep

Oh…and I HAVE seen “Timecop”
Multiple times…