Film Review: Machete Joe (2010)

SYNOPSIS:

A group of out-of-work actors decide to take their careers into their own hands by shooting a low-budget horror film, about an urban myth. With only 15 days to shoot their unfinished script, at a remote castle in the desert, getting through the first night becomes a nightmare. As their egos begin to surface so do the dead bodies.

REVIEW:

In the form of a dialogue between me and my boyfriend/viewing partner –

Me: “Does this look odd to you? Like cheap video? Do they still make movies on video?”
TheBoyfriend: “They make movies on digital video. It is a lot cheaper than trying to make them on film.”
Me: “But big budget movies are still made on film, right? Or is everything digital now?”
TheBoyfriend: “They make them on film but they do a lot of digital effects. But some movies are made on video.”
Me: “Like in the early 90s when all those cheap horror movies came out? Like Ghoulies 4?”
TheBoyfriend: “Yes. This film is just like Ghoulies 4.”

Me: “So I bet it is the disfigured kid who grows up and goes on a killing spree with a machete cause that is how he saw his mom get killed.”
TheBoyfriend: “That sounds about right.”
Me: “Have films become too predictable? Or am I just a total genius for plot devices?”
TheBoyfriend: “They’re too predictable.”

Me: “Have you noticed that lately, no matter how bad the actual movie is, the credits are always awesome?”
TheBoyfriend: “I guess.”
Me: “That was my favorite part of playing with editing software the one time I tried to make a short movie. The film part sucked but my credits were brilliant.”

Me: “Ernie Hudson! What the heck is he doing in this movie?”
TheBoyfriend: “Didn’t you see his name in the credits?”
Me: “No, I was too busy talking about them to really pay attention.”

Me: “A film within a film. That’s meta, right? Even if it is a bad horror film about a bad horror film?”
TheBoyfriend: “Yeah.”
Me: “So has meta gone mainstream? Can it go mainstream? Or is it hipster? Though I’m not sure that term even works in this context.”
TheBoyfriend: “I hate hipsters.”
Me: “I know, honey, I know.”

Me: “That guy wants to be Ving Rames so hard. And that guy (Chris Blasman) wants to be John Cusack. But there is only one John Cusack.”
TheBoyfriend: “But John Cusack is getting old. Maybe someone needs to take his place.”
Me: “Noooooooooo!”

TheBoyfriend: “The rape thing seems to be a theme here.”
Me: “I’m noticing that. It’s kinda creepy. But I see where they are going with it. It makes the psycho killer freak out and start stabbing people.”

Me: “Super convenient that the restrooms are broken and everyone has to go off down the road in the dark with a creepy killer on the loose and use a dingey unlit outhouse. And how are the lights working so perfectly without even flickering or anything but the bathrooms aren’t?”
TheBoyfriend: “You might be over thinking this.”
Me: “I don’t think there is anything wrong with me expecting the films I watch to make sense.”
TheBoyfriend: “Maybe you should just watch better movies.”

Me: “Check it out, the creepy killer has Creature Vision! He sees in …. is that funny night vision, or heat vision?”
TheBoyfriend: “I think it is lame vision.”

Me: “Was that circus music? They are going to do a brutal death scene to circus music?”
TheBoyfriend: “It is absurdly peppy.”

TheBoyfriend: “Oh hi machete man!” (Said in the style of Johnny from The Room.)

Me: “If Ernie Hudson shows up near the end to save the day only to get a fire axe in his back I’m calling shenanigans and party foul and everything else I possibly can.”
TheBoyfriend: “Does he have the Shining?”
Me: “He better not. Maybe it will turn out he is the creepy serial killer. That would be cool, though I’ve seen it done before.”
TheBoyfriend: “We’ve seen everything done before.”
Me: “But it is okay if it is done again well.”

Me: “All of this character development stuff is boring. Ever notice how in a good film it doesn’t matter if the character development stuff moves the plot along or not, it still seems interesting and worth sitting through, but in a bad film it is just lame?”
TheBoyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “That doesn’t make any sense. Why is he going down in the creepy basement? The door was closed and it is all dark. Does it look like anyone is down there? No. He deserves to be murdered.”
TheBoyfriend: “You expect a lot from horror movie characters.”
Me: “I do.”
TheBoyfriend: “Then you will continue to be disappointed.”
Me: “I know.”

Me: “Have I become too cynical about movies? Am I just looking for ways they suck instead of trying to focus on ways they don’t? Is this movie really awesome and I’m just being too big of a bitch to see it?”
TheBoyfriend: “No, this is a bad movie.”

Me: “Hey it’s that guy (Art Evans)! That guy from Die Hard 2 at the airport who runs around in the coat and helps out Bruce Willis! I thought he looked familiar but kind of old.”
TheBoyfriend: “That movie was a long time ago.”
Me: “He got older. But he still looks kinda the same.”
TheBoyfriend: “Do you recognize anyone else in this?”
Me: (reading IMDB) “The one chick was in Fame (Erica Gimpel) the TV show. And I guess the psycho killer is one of the biggest actors in Jamaica (Paul Campbell). Other than that just Ernie Hudson.”

Me: “Continuity error! She was wearing the bloody dress from psycho guy’s mom and now she is suddenly in the clean white one again.”
TheBoyfriend: “There were some mistakes earlier too.”
Me: “That’s right, during that long-winded expository scene in front of the fireplace.”

Me: “So that guy was his dad? At least that explains how he got from down south up to this castle place.”
TheBoyfriend: “Wait, who was whose dad?”
Me: “The guy they just accidentally killed who was the only thing keeping the psycho killer from finishing his bloody rampage. He was the dude’s dad.”

TheBoyfriend: “Is that all that’s left? What happened to big boob chick?”
Me: “She fell off a tower. She went running outside and fell off the ledge and went splat on the ground.”
TheBoyfriend: “Oh.”
Me: “It was a pointless waste of good boobs.”

Me: “They should be watching the body of the pyscho killer. I bet you $10 he will disappear even though they think he’s dead. The cops will come out and be all like ‘didn’t you say the killer was in there?’ and they’ll be like ‘we saw him die! it’s impossible! impossible!'”
TheBoyfriend: “It is happening right now and you are missing it because you are talking again.”
Me: “But I knew it was gonna happen so I don’t feel left out.”

Me: “This film may possibly have had the worst usage of Ernie Hudson EVER.”
TheBoyfriend: “What, because he was only in it for about five minutes altogether?”
Me: “Every time he popped up in that car driving along in the dark I expected him to ask if Ray had read the Bible about the End of Days.”
TheBoyfriend: “He ain’t scared of no ghosts.”
Me: “Or bad movies apparently.”

Me: “Seriously? They had only 15 seconds of background music but paid for a theme song done in rap style and another song after that to play only in the end credits? And why are these credits moving so slow?”
TheBoyfriend: “You can turn it off now.”

Machete Joe (2010)