Film Review: L.A. Slasher (2015)

SYNOPSIS:

Fed up with reality television, a mysterious man (in a ridiculous outfit) decides to kidnap a number of the ‘stars” that appear on these programs to make a statement. Unfortunately his plan backfires and he basically ends up becoming a reality start of sorts himself.

REVIEW:

Let me just begin this review by saying that I detest reality shows (and all the idiots that appear on them). Shows like Duck Dynasty, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Party Down South and the countless others literally make me want to vomit and I would rather be set on fire than have to watch any of them (there was an instance once where I was at a friend’s house and his wife made us watch Keeping up with the Kardashians and I seriously considered clawing my own eyes out and gnawing my wrists off to escape the torment). With that being said I thought that the premise of L.A. Slasher sounded sort of promising as it lashed out at these shows but about five minutes into it I thought my head was going to explode. This movie is so bad that I honestly think I would rather watch 90 minutes of paint drying than to subject myself to it ever again. What could have been a fun movie that made a statement was instead an annoying, boring, uninteresting mess of a film loaded with obnoxious characters that I just wanted to die as soon as possible. Everyone involved with this movie should be ashamed and I feel that they all owe me an apology for making me suffer through it. I honestly think that the remake of Mother’s Day has a serious contender now for the worst movie ever made.

Why is this movie so bad, do you ask? I really don’t know where to begin. The writing is terrible, the acting is nothing short of atrocious, the directing and editing is a joke (the entire film looks like it was pieced together by someone trying to make a cheesy music video) and there was not one likeable character in the entire movie(plus what was up with the sound? Did I just have a bad copy or what because everyone sounded like chipmunks when they spoke). It tries way too hard to be funny and fails miserably at every attempt as I didn’t even begin to laugh once while I was watching it. I read a review for it online that compared it to Student Bodies but nothing could be further from the truth.

While Student Bodies isn’t one of my favorite movies of all time it is at least watchable. L.A. Slasher on the other hand really isn’t and the fact that I was able to actually finish it is nothing short of miraculous. Given the choice of having to experience it again or having to have long, painful dental work done I would without a doubt pick the latter. This film was so bad that I think that I lost a few brain cells watching it and I regret that I lost 90 minutes of my life that I will never get back again that I could have used to do something more productive (and a lot less painful) such as counting the tiles on the floor, doing laundry, or running in circles in the backyard over and over again until I became dizzy and passed out as a result.

I can’t believe the amount of established people who willingly agreed to appear in this movie (I am assuming that they all just really, really needed a paycheck). Eric Roberts, Drake Bell, Dave Bautista, Mischa Barton, and even Danny Trejo are all in this film and honestly felt bad for all of them for having to be a part of it.

You can really tell that most of them don’t want to be there and I really can’t blame them. Andy Dick (yes, that Andy Dick) actually does the voice of the mysterious slasher and it came as no surprise to me that he becomes incredibly annoying about three seconds after his character shows up on camera (I seriously had to mute it several times while I was watching it just so I wouldn’t have to hear his voice). I don’t know why these people thought that doing this movie was a good idea (I think that some of them must have lost some sort of bet or appearing in this film helped fulfill part of their community service hours or something) but they all made a huge mistake (other than Dick who probably really couldn’t get work anywhere else and was most likely glad to land the role). I honestly don’t know what most of them were thinking but I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them didn’t fire their agents after being involved in such a mess of a movie.

L.A. Slasher could have been a decent movie had it been handled properly. It could have had a point and a message about the stupidity of reality television but it doesn’t. I think that it wanted to be in the same class as John Waters’ underrated classic Cecil B. DeMented as it almost shares some similar ideas but it fails miserably in every possible way. I know that we are just in February now and barely into 2016 but this movie is my pick for worst movie of the year. Take my advice and stay as far away from it as possible if you value your sanity as there is nothing redeemable about it whatsoever. This movie is complete and utter garbage and I honestly can’t believe that there is anyone out there that could honestly enjoy it.