Film Review: Stupid Teenagers Must Die! (aka: Blood & Guts) (2006)

SYNOPSIS:

It’s the 1980’s and a group of teenagers are getting together to hold a séance in a haunted house. All the typical 80’s horror movie characters are there: the cool hero, the innocent girlfriend, the goth chick, the tough guy, the beautiful blonde girl, the shy guy in love with the beautiful blonde girl, a couple of lipstick lesbians and two big geeks. In true low budget 80’s horror movie fashion, weird things start happening around the house. One dimensional characters are dying preposterously bloody deaths, girls are getting naked for no apparent reason and people walk into dangerous, pitch black rooms saying classic lines like, “Is someone in here?” As the poor, hapless kids are sliced and diced, it’s up to our hero to lead the remaining survivors to safety before the house is filled with stupid dead teenagers

REVIEW:

Written by: Curtis Andersen & Jeff C. Smith
Directed by: Jeff C. Smith
Starring: Jovan Meredith, Renee Dorian, Ashley Schneider, Lindsay Gareth, Cory Assink, Jonathan Brett

QUICK FIX:
In this parody/homage to the greatest time in horror movie history – the 1980s – Long Duk Dong, Spicoli, and Baby (who will NOT be put in a corner) are throwing a totally rad party with a bunch of friends (and the obligatory party crashers) to hold a séance in a haunted house. The very same haunted house where the nasty ghost of the gnarly Murder McGee resides. As I’m sure you can guess, things go from bad to worse faster than you can say, “Whoa….EXCELLENT!!!”; and in true 80s horror movie fashion, the deaths are bloody, the dialogue is cheesy, and beautiful women are peeling off their clothes every chance they get. Welcome to BILL & TED vs. NIGHT OF THE DEMONS!!

“EXCESSIVE VIOLENCE, GRATUITOUS NUDITY, ZERO BUDGET” – tagline, STUPID TEENAGERS MUST DIE!

RAMBLINGS:
Has any tagline really delivered on itself the way this one does? No, not in recent memory anyway…mainly because the filmmakers aren’t bragging about anything with that statement; they’re simply telling the truth. No clique or 80s movie clichéd characterizations are left unrepresented here. In fact, no stone was sacred or cow left unturned at all – we have the cool hero, his innocent girlfriend, the Goth chick, the tough thug (think John Bender), the hot blonde who keeps losing her shirt, the shy dork in love with the hot blonde who keeps losing her shirt, a couple of gorgeous half-naked lesbians, and two total geeks (definitely Gary & Wyatt).

As you can plainly see, the cast is pretty damned big. Usually, larger casts in low budget flicks are where things can fall apart quickly, with one or two sour apples buggering up the whole barrel. Not in this case though. Not a single cast member left me disappointed. The acting here was just like my p*rn collection – right on the money shot. They all played it straight, brought their A-game, and knocked it out of the park. I must also say a very special “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” to the lovely Miss Lindsay Gareth, who walked away from the Backseat Film Festival with the “Best Breasts” award. Lindsay, I couldn’t be more proud of you for that accomplishment, and you most certainly earned that award!!

Director/co-writer Smith, the Big Toe that held everything together, is definitely a guy to watch for in the future, trust me on this. If this is what he can do with a very low budget, there are nothing but good things ahead for him when he gets more money for future projects. The characters were dead on; the atmosphere was perfect; the laughs were huge; the blood flowed, and squirted, and sprayed beautifully. It was just like watching a horror movie from the 1980s, even going as far as including an end credit theme song eerily reminiscent of a cheesy, love-soaked, early-80s REO Speedwagon ballad, complete with over-pronounced “R’s” and all.

LAST WORDS:
STUPID TEENAGERS MUST DIE! is by far one of the best indie flicks that I’ve had the pleasure of watching in recent years. It’s a bloody good time, and holds up on multiple repeat viewings. It is currently available in online stores everywhere so, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions, get your ass out there right now and snag a copy of your very own! Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

Stupid Teenagers Must Die! (aka: Blood & Guts) (2006)