Belcebu, Satan and chick on a stick

I hate the terms “rock and roll” and “heavy metal” but apparently sentient humans need to prescribe labels to identify concepts. Welcome to interpersonal communications 101. The occult and old Scratch has been associated with these two genres of music for as long the various lobes and hemispheres of the human brain have been able to project insecurities and fears onto other existential concepts. Did I mention that the human race is a virus in need of extermination? Just thought I would throw that in already to get it out of the way. Onward and downward…

Within horror film the connection of Satan, the Devil, or whatever name you wish to give him, and music is well envisioned within such classic films as Trick or Treat and a bunch of others that I cannot remember because either they were not that good for me to remember or I am too drunk to care and squint my eyes to remember. Plus if I do squint my eyes it will obstruct the view of the half naked mermaids that seem to be shooting up heroin on my couch that somehow has transformed into a very big purple tugboat.

Never mind the fact that the Jonas brothers are here riding unicorns around my Jacuzzi that is full of naked chicks. Wait! I have a Jacuzzi?

This edition of Esoterror Sinema deals with the film Belcebu Diablos Lesbos. What’s Belcebu you ask? Well if you consult the Urban Dictionary it is a word that means “Jealous” or “bitch” but what those have to do with this film I have no idea. Maybe it means after watching you are jealous that you didn’t f*ck all the naked strung out Satan bitches in the film.

On the surface, and I mean that by looking at the cover, Belcebu seems promising because it sports a hot chick, states a “wicked combination of sex, violence, and rock and roll”, plus has the word “Lesbos” in the title. Of course the Troma version which is pictured above is not as sexy as they redemption edition because crucified bleeding chicks are just simply f*cking HOT!

Allow me to sum up the film for you. Belcebu is an international rock star whose music causes mass suicides (not really dealt with in the film) and this attracts the attention of Satan who incarnates in the form of a chick in his bathtub.

Well that’s only after showing up in her true form.

Well Satan wants to continue to harvest souls through Belcebu’s music because with today’s economy souls just aren’t fetching as much as they used to. The only thing standing in the way of this great infernal plan is Toni Belcebu’s heroin addicted ex-girlfriend Mani. Of course a great deal of the subplot of the film deals with her getting out of jail, hooking, and shooting up. It’s every girls dream. They meet up, shoot up, and have sex, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I will spare you further plot details because this is not a f*cking review and if you want to see the film go get it yourself. Plus all of those unicorn horns are really shiny and giving me a headache and those mermaid whore junkies cannot stop laughing about how tight Nicolas Jonas pants are. It’s all very distracting.

Belcebu Diablos Lesbos is a Spanish film directed by Sergio Blasco and has English subtitles so you have to read the f*cking film and those f*cking Spanish people talk so fast you need to be a speed-reader to really follow the dialogue. And the Troma version has the subtitles in yellow and that is not the best shade to follow.

Maybe the yellow has something to do with corn and Mexican food but what the f*ck do I know, color therapy is for f*cking hippies and new age retards.

Ok, so let’s discuss the reality of the occultism in the film since that is the point of this column. Let’s first discuss the physical materialization of the Devil. Yep it is said to happen all the time by psychotics, junkies, and sexually repressed religious fanatics. Does Satan manifest in the bathtub? Well if he were a she I sure would want her to show up in the tub because I would already be wet and naked and tub sex does not require lube. Saving money on lube is another penny saver in this trying economy. As funny as it may sound, bathroom demons were a daily hazard in ancient Mesopotamia. They didn’t have specific names according to historic sources but I suspect they sounded like ASStaroth, SHITan, DagonSTPATION, etc.

The pact between Belcebu and the Devil is standard fair in Christian based dogmatic tradition. Pacts existed historically but the magickal reality of their power was nothing beyond pure psychology and subconscious venting. It was nothing more than a self-fulfilling proclamation of social and religious rebellion. Without spoiling the finale of the film, the ending does involve a great Satanic sacrifice and orgy. One of the Belcebu minions has sex with a chick then impales her through her vagina. Despite some historic accuracy in the annals of torture, vaginal impaling really holds no esoteric significance. Well I guess that depends on the pole impaling the chick.

Despite stating otherwise by a certain percentage of overweight dirt hippie Wiccans who couldn’t get laid anyway, orgies have always been part of certain secret traditions. Well maybe they didn’t disagree. I just hate overweight dirt hippie Wiccans. The high Greek mysteries contained great orgies for example. Modern examples of orgiastic behavior in rituals more than likely are just a convenient excuse for drunken ugly people to f*ck. Life’s a party right?

The climax of the film has Belcebu fully possessed and shooting rays at the cops who show up and raid the orgy/ritual. That part is pure camp and no wonder Troma, no offense to them because I am a Troma fan, picked up the title. As far as I know, no Satan possessed human has ever shot rays and lasers from their hands. I can’t be too sure on that one though because my living room is full of junked out mermaids and the Jonas brothers flying on unicorns…on that, I am done!