Film Review: The Velocipastor (2018)

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SYNOPSIS:

After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.

REVIEW:

Ok kids, got a special film review for you. I just watched it and can’t let it pass without comment.

Today we have THE VELOCIPASTOR, written and directed by Brenden Steere.

I reviewed the trailer for this film back in 2011, and at that time I wished it was an actual feature-length film. Dreams come true, kids, because here it is!

The original trailer gave the tagline “Welcome to the Christ-aceous period”. For the feature length version, the tagline is “A man of the claw-th”. You just can’t go wrong, folks.

Our hero, Father Doug Jones (Gregory James Cohan) is having a crisis of faith. His parents were murdered before his eyes, and he isn’t sure if there is any good left in the world. His mentor, Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) tells him he should travel, to go somewhere that “God may not follow” and that Father Doug will find God there.

Traveling through China, Father Doug comes across an artifact that cuts his skin, infecting him with the long lost spirit of a dinosaur. This is a problem because the good Father doesn’t believe in dinosaurs (just stay with me..it gets better).

Upon returning home from his trip, Father Doug finds himself transformed into a killer dino. He learns through his work at the church that his parents were killed by a local pimp known as Frankie Mermaid (Fernando Pancheco De Castro). The good Father’s vengeance is swift and bloody.

Father Doug befriends a lady of the evening called Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a former victim of the aforementioned pimp. Together they decide to use this new power for good and set boundaries for how it is to be used.

Alas, Father Stewart is troubled by young Doug’s absences from the church and decides he must be purified. The church is slow to decide on the exorcism so he takes Doug to see Altair (Aurelio Voltaire) to free him from the burden of his possession.

Yea…that didn’t work. It all goes wrong and well….

Then there are these drug pushing ninjas, led by Wei Chan (Jiechang Yang). He is the head of a Christian academy, but the enrollment numbers are low so he needs to increase recruitment. They are bringing in a new type of cocaine that is so addictive, it will drive people to church-run recovery programs. So its the Lord’s work after all….

There’s a million backstories for every character, even the ones who only appear for a moment. Flashback after flashback, useless information after useless information.

This is the perfect love song to the Grindhouse genre. Cheap effects…stories that make no sense…characters that make even less sense….blood and gore and veins in the teeth. Its freaking glorious!

I don’t think I have ever loved a movie as much as I love this movie right now. Its everything I had hoped for and more when I saw the original trailer 9 years ago.

The score is perfect, a wonderful representation of the classic stings of the films of yore. Some awesome soundtrack selections as well.  The cast are very accomplished, yet manage to pull off “acting badly” as an art form. It is said that only one who is very good at their art can portray it poorly, so that isn’t an insult by any means.

Ms. Kempinski and Mr Cohan have a long list of credits their names. Ms Kempinski appeared in the TV series HIGH FIDELTY. Mr Cohan has a very long list of credits, including appearances on NCIS:LOS ANGELES and has voiced a number of animated series and video games.

I am a very happy panda today for having seen this film. Maybe it isn’t for everyone but if you are a fan of the old school grindhouse style movies, you’ll appreciate the humour in this.  I highly recommend it.

So on a scale of one to ten, ten being awesome, I’m giving this film 10 dino claws. Because yea…its that fun.