Film Review: Followed Home (2010)

SYNOPSIS:

A group of friends head out for a mountain retreat only to witness a gruesome murder at a near by cabin. They head home wanting to forget the experience… but are followed home by the murder.

REVIEW:

There ought to be a law. The Black Saint is thinking about petitioning the govt. to find out if it is in any way possible to criminalize the use of video cameras in order to make a feature film. Where did this notion come from? Well, the straw that broke The Black Saint’s back is a film called “Followed Home”. A film that has absolutely no plot to speak of, horribly misleading cover art & is a enormous waste of time.

The film actually opens rather promisingly with an attractive woman talking on a phone in her home with a friend. The conversation is a rambling one but since this is the beginning of the movie I listened closely, thinking that there might be a clue as to where the film was headed. After our young starlet says goodbye she thinks she hears a sound. She checks it out to find nothing & returns to her business when all of a sudden, she is attacked by a black hooded man with a hunter’s knife in his hand. He wrestles her to the ground and begins to repeatedly stab her in the stomach as she screams at the top of her lungs for help. For some reason the director thought it would be a good idea to intercut the stabbing scene with a shot of her ceiling fan. I think he was trying to use the reflection from the shiny brass fan to illustrate what was going on directly below it. But since we see absolutely nothing in the reflection, I have to wonder what the f*ck he was thinking of. The attacker leaves believing his job is done, but noooooo. His victim gets up holding her stomach and runs outside screaming for help. Oddly enough no one is outside to hear her screams or see her running down the street covered in blood even though it seems to be midday & the sun is shining brightly in this nice neighborhood.

The film then cuts to Sam (Zachary Ryan Block) & Eddie (Ray Rozmiarek), two buddies who run their own graphic design business although you’d never know it to listen to their witless banter. They have a pretty receptionist, Kate (Kamilla Korz), who also seems to do absolutely nothing but smile & engage in the witless banter along with the others. They are planning a tip to Big Bear mountain with a fourth person, Lauren (Tammy De Kauwe) who is acting as a blind date for Eddie. For the next 20 minutes or so we get nothing but ridiculous conversations between the four of them as they drive to their getaway. And when I say that, I mean that. Absolutely nothing happens during this part of the film. We get little to no characterization, there is no drama, no laughs, nothing at all. Kate does tell a story about some murders that took place where their headed for (As Eddie is in the forest taking a dump) but it doesn’t have any bearing on the plot. It’s just a story to kill some time.

They get to their cabin where we find out that Eddie wiped himself with his sock and doesn’t know if he should tell Lauren about it. Then they do some more talking, play a drinking game during which Eddie gets sick & do some more talking which leads us to the next day. Eddie is just waking up as the others laugh at his condition. All of a sudden, our first victim whom we last saw running down the block in her residential neighborhood holding her belly suddenly runs right into our talkative four. This woman is amazing I tell you, she ran from her home mortally wounded, covered in blood & seemingly UP A MOUNTAIN without anyone seeing her although it’s still broad daylight before finally collapsing at the feet of Eddie & Sam. They instantly mobilize and get her to the hospital. We find out that it was too late for her through Det. Jacobs (Don Simkovich) as he interrogates Sam about the circumstances. His advice to Sam is to go home and try to forget about what just happened but Sam & the others are having a tough time letting go.

What does this lead to? More talking! But unluckily for them the killer has actually been watching them the whole time. He was even watching Eddie take his dump! So of course, he follows them home (Hence the silly title) where he systematically begins to kill each of them until only Eddie is left. And Eddie comes face to face with our hooded killer in the freeze frame ending so I gotta figure he got it as well. That’s about it….no seriously, that’s about all of it. Nothing happens in this movie. No motive is given to our hooded killer as to why he’s killing these people. Maybe it’s because they won’t shut the f*ck up, all they do is talk, talk & talk some more. It’s a incredible waste of time & effort on the audiences part to slog through this drivel. And the running time is only 64 minutes! Wait a minute you ask…64 minutes does not a movie make. Well you’re right so the director/producers decide to use a tactic I can’t stand. The end credits flash by onscreen one at a time, broken up by a picture of some trees & some vague scenery as some god awful music is playing in an attempt to stretch out the running time but wait! It gets better. Just when you think the credits are done, you’re taken to a scene with a woman named Josie (Kati Garrido), who is at home where she apparently has her own show on the web. She’s sitting in front of her computer relaying what’s going on in her personal life to whoever the f*ck is watching her. She rambles on about her ex boyfriend & how she’s a “Slice Of Pie” that everyone should taste! Where did this come from? What’s the point? She has a strong Latin accent on top of everything else so it’s hard to understand what she’s babbling about. This rambling goes on for about five minutes before (Thank Heavens)! Our killer appears behind her to cut her up as well. But then after this the credits are repeated again! There’s even a credit for special efx makeup when all we see is a shirt covered in blood from our first victim. That’s it. No more blood to be found anywhere for the rest of the film. And even after these repeated credits are over there’s still a blooper scene included. I guess this is to pull us in from off the window ledge as we prepare to end it all because of this godawful film.

There is nothing I can say to recommend this film to anyone. It’s not a movie, it’s an episode of “America’s Most Wanted” with some extra dialog in it. A lot of extra dialog…Director/Writer Joaquin F. Palma is a menace to movie watchers worldwide. Who told this man he could write/direct a film? The actors are actually pretty good I must admit. There is a natural feel to the way they trade lines between each other, as if they actually have been friends for a long time. But I can turn on my TV & see the exact same thing so that’s not a big deal considering the end result. The DVD box touts the fact that the film was a “Official Selection” for the “Urban Suburban Film Festival” & “Philadelphia Horror Fest”. If this is so I have to wonder who’s running these particular film fests. They couldn’t possibly have seen this film before selecting it to compete against other films. If this is so then all they did is blow some smoke up Palma’s ass & made him think he’s good enough to attempt making another one. Which leads me to my initial remark about creating a law to prevent hacks like this from getting near a camera unless they’re going to film their children’s birthday parties let alone try to make a feature film.

If you haven’t figured it out by now I’m making it official. This film gets ZERO shrouds from The Black Saint. It is absolutely a complete waste of your time & money. If by some remote twist of fate Mr. Palma is reading this review please believe that this isn’t personal bro. You just haven’t found the job you were meant to do yet. But I can assure you it isn’t in film. Try something else dude, stay away from a camera. Please just stay away…

Followed Home (2010)