Film Review: Cannibal Hookers (1987)

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SYNOPSIS:

A group of cannibal hookers go around eating everyone around them.

REVIEW:

I have seen a lot of horror movies in my day and I can say that without a doubt Cannibal Hookers is the greatest one of them all. In fact, it may just be the best overall movie in the history of film. Just kidding, it’s actually very bad and probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I’d heard a lot of horror stories about how terrible it was before I saw it but I thought that there was no way it could be as bad as everyone said it was. I was wrong. Ordinarily I like bad horror films that the rest of the world seems to hate but that definitely wasn’t the case with Cannibal Hookers. There is really not one single good thing about it and I think that I actually lost a few brain cells (not that I had a whole lot to spare to begin with) because I watched it.

Why is it so bad? Geez, I really don’t know where to start. The acting is atrocious, the premise is idiotic, the blood and gore effects are a joke, and the entire thing looks like it was filmed with someone’s uncle’s video camera that was ordinarily used to shoot home movies. It looks a lot like a really bad 80’s P*rno flick instead of a horror film and it is just painfully bad in general. It isn’t interesting in the least little bit and is so bad that not even watching it with friends and making MST3K-like comments at its expense makes it any better. I’ve seen quite a few of writer/director Donald Farmer’s films and while most of them aren’t really anything to write home about Cannibal Hookers is definitely his worst. I usually don’t have a problem making it through crappy movies but even I have my limits and it was a tough challenge to finish this film.

The plot-if you can even call it that-revolves around two young women (and I use that term loosely as they are obviously a lot older than what they are supposed to be) who are trying to get into a sorority. As an initiation they must pretend to be hookers (why? I really don’t know) but lo and behold the sorority that they are so desperate to join is actually made up of real hookers who kill and eat their customers. Long story short our heroes become zombies (or vampires, I’m still not real sure what they were supposed to be) and start munching on people too (and some of their victims become zombies-or vampires or whatever it is they’re supposed to be-as well for some reason that isn’t quite clear). Did I mention that the head of the sorority (played by Shelia Best who is probably best known as Tara the Southern Belle of The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling Fame) keeps some fat guy named Lobo (whose wound on his head keeps changing) that likes to eat people too around for some reason? I don’t know why she does so and it doesn’t really have anything to do with the overall plot of the movie but I thought that I would mention it just in case you were wondering (which I’m sure you weren’t). That’s pretty much all you need to know in terms of story and if you’re still one of those people who isn’t completely turned off yet and have the urge to see this film I implore you not to do so for your own sanity. I’ve seen Geico commercials that had a better premise and that were a lot less painful to watch. Trust me on this one.

Aside from the horrible premise the film also has a terrible cast made up of actors who just plain cannot act. I’m talking about them being so bad that they make most P*rn stars look like master thespians. Gary J. Levinson (who plays Lobo) is probably the best actor in the film and he just wanders around grunting, growling, and talking like a mentally handicapped child when he actually does speak from time-to-time. While everyone in the movie was pretty bad I think that the worst was the guy that played the detective who was investigating the murders that take place in the film. He looks like a young Eugene Levy and his acting is so bad it literally gave me a headache. If you’re looking for a film that has some fantastic acting in it you would be wise to steer clear of this film as it is on par with a middle school production of Our Town (and maybe a little bit worse).

There is a certain part toward the end of the film where Lobo captures the detective and the filmmakers thought that it was such a great scene that they decided to include it twice in the film. I’m not kidding you. The EXACT SAME SCENE takes place twice for some unknown reason. I don’t know if the people behind the movie thought that people would just really enjoy seeing it again or if it was just a mistake made by the editor but we are forced to suffer through the same horrible scene not once, but twice within mere moments of each other. You would have thought that someone would have caught it before it was distributed but I’m guessing the people responsible for it knew about it and were just like “Aww…the hell with it!” and left it in because they didn’t really think anyone would actually get to the end of the movie in the first place to see it shown twice.

As you can tell I wasn’t a big fan of Cannibal Hookers. I love a good crappy horror film as much as the next guy but this film was just beyond crappy and I’m sure that I’ll have nightmares about it for the rest of my days. Not because it was so scary, mind you, but because of how bad it was. The only saving grace of the film is that it is mercifully short as it clocks in at just a little over an hour, but be aware that if you check it out it seems like the longest hour and three minutes of your life. Avoid at all costs unless you enjoy being miserable.