Film Review: Bunker of Blood (2011)

SYNOPSIS:

It’s The End of the World, No One Gets Out Alive..

REVIEW:

Judging from the name, one might assume ( or hope) that “Bunker of Blood” is perhaps a World War 2 shoot em’ up kind of film…perhaps something high camp, or at least with buckets of gore…

You would be seriously wrong in your assumptions.

It’s more than a little difficult to discuss the plot of “Bunker of Blood”, since the film is so incompetently put together, its almost impossible to even decipher what on Earth it is supposed to be about…

The biggest problem however, with the film, and, please allow this to be a caveat to aspiring film- makers everywhere, is that it was clearly written by someone who wanted to make a big, involved action film but had neither the budget nor the acumen to pull it off.

That being said, on to the “plot”, such as it is.

The President of the United States of America tells us, in several news conferences at the beginning of the film (which all feature the exact same extras in the front row, despite these conferences being held on separate dates) that several U.S seaports have been attacked by a foreign country. There is mention of nuclear war. Why? I don’t know…these press conferences are not terribly helpful in explaining.

Anyways, in what is clearly someones basement, but we are told is actually Missile Headquarters, a couple of guys in gas masks break in and kill everybody. The people don’t seem to take dying too badly, however, since they all react by slightly grimacing when the bullets hit them.

Then, the President goes for a helicopter ride, achieved through very obvious green screen. While in the air, a nuclear bomb is detonated. Nobody in the helicopter is harmed. Probably because the “nuclear blast” was clearly stock footage.

There is a meeting with some-I suppose powerful men-somewhere with the President. I don’t know who these men are, but they look at badly Photoshopped graphs together and murmur like important guys do, I guess.

There is bunker. The bunker has people in it who are, I think, soldiers or Army personnel of some kind. It’s hard to tell, because they just look like a group of really out of shape people standing around someplace that has a lot of sound effects like forklift noises and such.

These people are highly skilled and very dangerous. They demonstrate this by fighting with fake knives with each other and having badly choreographed fist fights.

The guy in charge of these mavericks likes to wear a contact lense in one eye that I guess denotes that he’s either blind in that eye or a really big Marilyn Manson fan.

One of the mavericks in the bunker is murdered. The President is very mad about this, and demands that the killer be found. Another maverick is killed shortly after. There are many conversations between people whose roles are never explained to us and who never appear again after their one appearance during these conversations.

It’s difficult to know what most of these conversations are about, for a variety of reasons. Those reasons are: A) The performers are so obviously untrained and unskilled that they have a tendency to slur, mumble, and simply not enunciate their words well. B) The sound recording quality of the film is so poorly done that the pitch is sometimes too low to understand anything being said. C) The actual dialogue, when heard well, is so bafflingly pointless they we still cannot understand what these characters are supposed to be talking about anyways. And, D, the film is so un-engaging that its difficult to keep focus on what exactly is going on.

So, anyways, the nuclear blast we saw earlier has obviously caused some sort of hijinks that is reanimating the soldiers and causing some poorly rendered carnage.

Everything about this film, from the acting to the editing , to the props is so poorly done, it actually inspires rage. How the Hell did someone make a feature length film this bad, with this many people involved?

I could eviscerate this film for days and still not be able to properly convey how brutally bad it is. It’s not even worth watching for the lolz.

All I will say is this- stay out of this bunker of crap. Even without the blood, its one place you do not want to find yourself in.

Bunker of Blood (2011)