Film Review: The Farm (2009)

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SYNOPSIS:

Mickey and Juliet, a young couple on the run from a vicious gang of drug dealers arrive at a deserted farm in the countryside near Cork, aiming to flee the country by ferry the following day. The farm is apparently inhabited by only one man, a 20 year old called John. John is cripplingly shy, but seems to be fascinated by Juliet’s beauty, with the feeling not exactly unrequited. As Juliet and John forge more and more of a bond, Mickey, already expecting the gang to appear and kill him at any moment, becomes overcome with jealousy and paranoia. Gradually the three characters find themselves sucked into a deadly love triangle from which they may never emerge

REVIEW:

Written & Directed by: Daire McNab
Starring: Jack Lowe, Louise Cargin, Cathal Reilly

QUICK FIX:
A young couple, let’s call them Mickey and Juliet (because that’s their names) are on the run from a nasty gang of dope dealers. They hole up at a seemingly deserted farm in the Irish countryside with plans to excape to France the next day where we know they’ll never be caught or extradited from…thanks a lot, Roman Polanski. Anyway, THE FARM is not deserted after all, but is inhabited by a young, horribly shy dude named John. However, John is soon very smitten by Jules and wants to make her his.

As their bond starts growing, Mickey grows more and more paranoid – not only thinking that the gang will find him or John will turn him over to the coppers, but dammit that’s his woman and ain’t no twat gonna take his girl. So as Mickey and Jules prepare to leave the next morning, Mickey decides he must kill John…makes sense, no witnesses that way. But John has other ideas about that, which sadly make for one of the most boring love triangles I’ve seen since Father John, Bo, Baby Satan, and that blonde chick that used to play Electro Woman had their 15-year tryst on DAYS OF OUR LIVES. Yeah, the best triangles have four points…

RAMBLINGS:
From BLAIR WITCH PROJECT to DIARY OF THE DEAD and even to REC, QUARANTINE and CLOVERFIELD, I’ve had major issues with movies being shot entirely on handheld cameras. I’m not a fan. Never have been, never will be. It’s a turnoff. In the cases of REC and CLOVERFIELD though, I can give a little bit of lenience to because I dug on the stories. But here, not so much, which makes it all the more painful to sit through.

Judging by the synopsis I got with the flick, I was unwittingly fooled into thinking that maybe this was a more straight-laced, non-comical Irish version of the British horror/comedy THE COTTAGE, which I loved so much last year. But, I suppose that’s what happens when I mix gin and vodka on the same night – my senses aren’t firing on all cylinders, and I wind up paying a heavy price for my consumptions and assumptions.

After a too much talky-talky set up with Mickey and his drug gang buddies followed by a too much talky-talky escape and getting Jules and listening to them argue like a couple of spoiled emo kids segment, we’re already 20 minutes in and I was bored to tears while simultaneously trying not to vomit from all the badly done handheld camera angles and chopsocky editing. But that was nothing compared to the shaky meth-held camera movement ending – that you’ll have to watch for yourself as I’m not giving anything away on it, and really don’t care to relive it. Yeah, it really made no sense either.

LAST WORDS:
When I’m expecting a horror movie and I get a badly done semi-knockoff of NATURAL BORN KILLERS, I’m not exactly pleased, but I’ll still give it a shot. I gave it a shot, now I think I need a shot or five to get myself back to normal. I will say this – there was one torture scene where John wears a “Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?” headset and a Lone Ranger mask and he actually had some funny lines that made me laugh, but it just wasn’t enough. Hard to watch with the goofy angles, hacked up editing, very poor sound, and characters that were bitchy and unlikeable from start to finish with no real arcs whatsoever, in the end THE FARM was ultimately just boring and forgettable.