Film Review: Lake Placid vs Anaconda (2015)

SYNOPSIS:

A giant crocodile goes head to head with a giant Anaconda. The town sheriff must find a way to destroy the two monsters before they kill the whole town

REVIEW:

As some of you may or may not know, Lake Placid and Anaconda are/were individual horror franchises whose initial films were received well enough. The former about killer crocs and the latter about, you guessed it, Anacondas. As it typically goes with most franchises, each one slid well into mediocrity as their sequels got shoddier and shoddier and SyFy got a hold. With the mundane onslaught of Animal/Monster X vs Animal/Monster Y movies being made, some bright spark decided that Lake Placid vs Anaconda would be a no-brainer… It’s a shame that they got a no-brainer to write the script… I know, that’s a little harsh, but the gag wouldn’t work any other way…

The film plays out like any other movie of its ilk; an experiment goes wrong and said experiment terrorizes the local townspeople yadda, yadda, yadda. We have a genetically modified female anaconda that has been impregnated with anaconda/croc infused eggs for purposes relating to the ever-so-elusive “Blood Orchid” serum escaping the lab and eventually terrorizing the townsfolk…. By terrorizing I mean one scene… The difference between the slew of films with this setup and Lake Placid vs Anaconda though is the addition of the Lake Placid crocs, who had much more show-time than the anacondas, who only really had a cameo at best. This felt more of a Lake Placid film than anything remotely Anaconda-ish.

Relying on camp to hold your attention, the mediocre story full of uninspired scenes and dialog plods along until the anticlimactic ending. Not even our “heroes” dispose of both titular characters, that’s the calibre of writing we’re dealing with here… Admittedly, some of the campiness was amusing, with over-acting and slapstick-like scenes, but it wasn’t enough to carry this DOA movie. Even the inclusion of scantily clad sorority girls (and some boob shots) weren’t enough to keep anyone but the horniest of teenagers who haven’t discovered online p**n entertained. Adding an idiotic deputy or titties is no substitute for a coherent and entertaining storyline…

As with most SyFy movies, the CGI was horrendously bad with no shading or lighting used to match the scenes they were superimposed over. The biggest letdown though were the beast “battles”. Those wanting epic battles, or even battles—Hell, even a disagreement between our titular critters, will be sorely disappointed. The few “battles” shown were essentially one sided affairs (on the anacondas’ side) that lasted less than a minute. The craparific CGI only added to the craptasticness of the whole crap-filled affair.

Acting was at an expected level for a film of this calibre. The “serious” actors performed serious enough and the “camp” actors acted acceptably camp. The only really bad actor was an overweight hunter who couldn’t act his way through a Troma film. My god was he crap…

Essentially this film is a segue for yet another animal hybrid flick if the ending scene is anything to go by… Personally, I’m not holding my breath for a film entitled Crocaconda, or Anacrocda…

Would I watch this again? Not voluntarily. Lake Placid vs Anaconda isn’t trying to be a good film, a fact made abundantly clear within the first minute of runtime. It has its tongue firmly placed in its cheek the whole way, which can be enjoyable but unfortunately this film isn’t even a mediocre so-bad-it’s-good film, which it so desperately tries to be. For me, I put this at the same level as Sharknado in terms of crapiness (though Sharknado admittedly had far better CGI), another creature feature I have very little regard for.

Would I recommend this film to anyone? If I ever do, question our friendship because I obviously hate you.

1 out of 5 nonsensical cross-overs