Settle down children, I know it’s only Wednesday, but that’s the hump day, and if any of the more nubile girls in the class wish to see exactly what that entails, the supply closet is just to my left here. No? Fine. Turn to page 23 in your textbooks, today’s not going to be fun.
Continuing with our lesson this week into all thing phobic, I’d like to talk about some other fears, some truly unfounded and ridiculous fears. They’re out there, and some people actually have them, or have at least convinced themselves they do. Like, take Pogonophobia for instance: the fear of beards. Ridiculous. Or how about Medorthophobia; the fear of erect penises. Try that one on your man next time, ladies. Might sound better than “I have a headache.” Then there’s Hedonophobia, which is the fear or feeling pleasure. What? Are you f*cking kidding me? Oh hey, how about this, Papaphobia; the fear of The Pope. Which honestly, is understandishable. That old bastard who can’t walk without the aid of St. Christopher himself is pretty f*cking intimidating.
Not to be outdone, there’s still Symmetrophobia; the fear of (you guessed it!) symmetry. Even better, there’s Allodoxaphobia, which is the fear of opinions. What!? Who’s? Mine? Your own? In general? Whatever, because there’s also Sinistrophobia; the fear of objects at the left side of one’s body. Wow. That’s all I have to say about that one. More fun I think, is Paraskavedekatriaphobia, (which I think should be renamed Voorheesophobia) the fear of Friday the 13th. At least that one makes some kind of superstitious sense. And of course, because there simply had to be, possibly the best of the bunch – phobophobia. Take a wild guess at what the one is. If you guessed the fear or phobias – congratulations! You’re not an idiot, unlike those afflicted by this terrible disease.
What the f*ck happened to this world? When did everyone become so f*cking scared of every little thing we had to start naming them all. I mean seriously, is there more than 1 person out there afraid of knees justifying it having a f*cking technical label? Cause it has one, it’s Genuphobia. I’ll admit to not being afraid of needles, but I can understand that fear, which is Aichmophobia. But, Graphophobia? The fear of handwriting? Get real. Someone gets rich off of telling people they have a Chrematophobia (the fear of money) and the only way to cure it is to hand it all over to them. What a joke.
Anyway, today’s madness is for those of you with perhaps a more legitimate fear, Pediophobia, or the fear of dolls. Which I think can be closely associated with Pupaphoiba, which is the fear of puppets. Anything strikingly lifelike that is inanimate has the capacity for true creepiness. Mannequins especially have a certain freakish quality to them. Oddly enough, there is no titled phobia specific to mannequins as it is also considered pediophobia. I guess mannequins aren’t scary enough to have their own unique phobia, but getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth is. Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s Arachibutyrophobia.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world. No wonder we’re all so f*cked up. Any two-bit charlatan with a frame and a printer can validate any retarded ass thing that keeps people from wanting to do the laundry or, god forbid, go to work. Yeah, try that one out at the office the next time you wanna hit the beach instead. “I’m sorry boss, I came down with an acute case of Ergophobia. Here’s my note. It’s signed by Dr. Nick Riviera.” Some one gimmie some whiskey, please! I think I’ve got ridiculosophobiophobia!