Haunted Honeymoon

Film Review: Long Pig (2008)

SYNOPSIS:

A terrifying film that offers a decidedly different take on the gruesome practice of cannibalism. Long Pig – A culinary term that refers to human beings, which according to documented reports, tastes much like pork. For more than 100 years, Halloween night has traditionally been the night that America’s “cannibal elite” feast on Long Pig. These human predators are not some pack of in-bred, toothless, backwood hermits, nor are they deranged escaped psychopaths. They are the powerful, the wealthy, and the elite – CEOs, Senators, Congressmen, and Clergy. They feed upon those whom they deem will add to their power – beautiful young people in the prime of their virility. In secret they meet. In darkness they hunt. In blood they feed. 15 people will become their prey in the dark woods of the lake country. 15 people will fight to keep their own flesh from the teeth of those who would devour them. But, in the end, they might just all become Long Pig served on a platter.

REVIEW:

Written by: Carlo Rodriguez and George Russell
Directed by: Carlo Rodriguez
Starring: Jenn Lyon, Grace Carpenter, Laura Carter, Greg Clark

QUICK FIX:

Every year on Halloween night, the cannibal elite of America have what is essentially their Thanksgiving – where they feast on LONG PIG – humans, to the layperson. Apparently though, these dudes & chicks hide under the radar of conventional, inbred cannibals like Leatherface or Three-Finger by also being the wealthy, powerful, and elite of our country (although by the examples here, you could have fooled me).

Our main courses here consists of a young lady in search of her environmentalist brother, three geeks trying to score with hot babes by crashing a frat party, another young lady devastated by a break up with her boyfriend who wrestles whether or not to take her therapist’s advice to get over him by getting drunk and laid, and a group of hot sluts who want nothing more than to get drunk and laid. With more place cards introducing new intertwining characters and storylines than in all the Robert Altman movies put together, all their worlds come crashing down as they’re captured to become the next meal of their hungry and horny Senator…or something. Christ, if I’d have known my neighbors tasted like pork chops, I’d have put THEM on the grill and saved myself some money at the local Hy-Vee…

RAMBLINGS:

I’ve said it many times before, but it bears repeating – horror filmmakers, if you’re going to have social commentary in your flick, that’s fine – I have no problems with that. But for the love of cheese, don’t beat me over the f*cking head with your political views and even more importantly – please get to the goddamn point eventually. Also, a suggestion or four:

First – if you’re going to introduce so many characters into the mix (yes, at 49 minutes in, we’re still getting place cards on screen informing us of who we were meeting next) give me someone, ANYONE, to care about.

Second – voice overs by the character on the screen that is being introduced to us for the first time while doing really nothing on screen but walking around or sitting in the bathtub does not constitute character development – again, give me someone to care about.

Third – if your movie is going to be so damned long, please give me dialogue that I can actually endure…8th grade boys’ locker room conversations had by grownups that aren’t named Seann William Scott or Jason Mewes is not funny, it’s grating. AND, if you’re going to give your psycho a creepy voice, then dammit we as the audience need to be able to understand what the f*ck he’s saying…if he’s incomprehensible then it’s not scary, it’s f*cking annoying.

Fourth – clueless characters standing on the side of the road by a rest stop only to look out into the woods and see a line across the trees of a couple of dozen ski mask-wearing psychos staring at them is, in fact, very creepy – well played! Unfortunately, having them just stand there doing nothing while four people in two vehicles merely drive away, is NOT. You almost had me, but then you lost me again.

LAST WORDS:

Liberals and gore fans – this flick might have been made for you and you alone. Yes, I get how the human cannibalism was just a thinly veiled parable for how our planet is being cannibalized by the “EVIL” Republicans….but seriously, I think that view is short-sided and skewed, and actually belongs in a documentary by Al Gore or Michael Moore and not in a documentary-style-shot horror film…but that’s just me.

It wasn’t a total wash though – the FX for the kills were cool as hell. The dude with the “Uwe Boll Ate My Dingo” shirt was funny some of the time. And, I did get a huge laugh out of the guy doing pushups while repeating “Fuck the bitch” over and over…that was awesome. And the nudity, of course – very beautiful women, so thank you for that. But a couple of bright spots in a two hour and fifteen minute-long flick does not an enjoyable ride make. I prefer my pig medium rare, not overdone…

Long Pig (2008)

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