Film Review: Aerobicide (1987)

SYNOPSIS:

Two years ago, a young woman named Valerie was burned after entering a tanning salon. Now, her twin sister, Rhonda runs a local gym where all of a sudden, people are being murdered.

REVIEW:

Written and Directed by David A. Prior
Starring: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews

Aerobicide, aka Killer Workout, is an awful movie with one redeeming quality: it most assuredly was made for the sole purpose of showcasing women of the 80’s in and out of the fitness garb that was considered high fashion at the time. In short, all the ladies are dressed like Olivia Newton-John in the “Let’s get Physical” video; when they were dressed at all. I counted at least six work-out montages, each one featuring women bending over, spreading their legs, and squatting repetitively in a suggestive, alluring manner. Or maybe that’s just what aerobics looks like. I wouldn’t know. All this is choreographed to the worst representation 80’s theme music I’ve ever heard.

One of my favorite scenes was the alpha male scene where the new personal trainer, complete with John Stockton shorts and Footloose mullet, is almost ran over by a rival trainer trying to park his car. Words are exchanged, a fight ensues similar to the one between Clubber Lang and Rocky Balboa (plus a little martial arts play), and rival trainer gets back into his car and leaves. What this translated as to me was: rival trainer dude came to the gym with the specific purpose of getting his ass kicked by the new guy. Once accomplished, he went home. Ha! These two would fight again, each vying for the perfect peeping tom location at their boss’s house.

There is no discernible plot. The dialogue is as painful to listen to as it is to watch the actors deliver it. The killer uses a four inch long safety pin on his victims; a safety pin for the love of Pete. Seemingly every kill is portrayed with same filming technique: victim turns around suddenly to face the camera, cut to killer’s right arm raised, wielding a freakishly large safety pin, cut to safety pin being removed from a wound which may or may not be bleeding.

All the killing takes place at a fitness club owned by Rhonda, the twin sister of a girl who met with an unfortunate accident in a tanning bed. There’s no rhyme or reason to the killing, but there’s a lot of it. You’d think Rhonda or perhaps the authorities would toy with the idea of shutting down her place for a couple days. But no, instead she continues to let people work out there, continues to spurn the advances of her veteran trainer, and is at a loss as to why people keep ending up dead. Or so the director would make it seeeeeeem. Mwahaha.

I’ll also tell you that I’m running out of ways to talk smack about this movie and I still have a hundred words to go. I reckon I’ll just tell you more about how this would be a movie best viewed as heavily sedated as possible. Not that I’m advocating illegal drug use. In fact everyone should embrace a healthy lifestyle. A healthy lifestyle includes a sensible diet of fruits and vegetables, and proteins such as chicken or fish. It also includes a consistent regimen of exercise. Walking, hiking, and swimming are all aerobic exercises that help to maintain a healthy cardiovascular system. Just don’t do them in a place called Rhonda’s lest you get poked in the eye with an obscenely large safety pin.

Aerobicide (1987)