Welcome dear Horrors of Humanity readers . First and foremost allow me to state that it has been a sad week for the genre with the passing of Forrest J. Ackerman. Many horror fans credit this man as being very inspirational to their various horror genre pursuits. Fair enough, as Famous Monsters of Film land was a cool way to waste trees and piss off the hippies. I of course, do not make such declarations. Forest J. Ackerman was cool but did not affect me in life much, and will not effect me in death. His death, not mine. I will therefore not indulge within any postmortem befouling of the man, as there really is no reason to. My penchant for blasphemy aside, I will respectfully acknowledge that the death of Forry is sad, but I am sure he is happy now beyond the grave fighting with Bela Lugosi for that second Dracula cape and the Dracula ring.
If that was not enough frightening news, that same day brought about Bette Paige suffering from a heart attack. At present her condition is unknown, well to me at least. I would hope the doctors know her condition but considering the current educational standards of the country, that would be hopeful conjecture. Whether Bette will soon be posing in undead lingerie for the disembodied masturbatory enjoyment of Forrest J. Ackerman remains to be seen. I must confess that the only shocking element to the story of her heart failure to me was that I thought she was already dead years ago! My bad I guess.
My point here, if I have one? My point is that it is easy to find about people dying just by turning on my computer. When I say “turning on my computer,” I seriously mean I rub its warm parts and drop my sack on the “ctrl, alt, delete” keys. Yeah my sack is that big so don’t hate me, I know your girlfriend didn’t last night!
So my fiends, allow me to pleasantly segue into today’s somewhat generalized subject, death and the Internet. I will not waste time discussing the cultural, psychological, or philosophical significance that the Internet plays in terms of the evolution or devolution, of the human consciousness with the ease of accessing information. Nor will I discuss the blessings it opens up for communication with people you would otherwise never encounter. I will spare you the diatribe about how cool it is to discuss eye-glazing topics such as politics with that balding white guy with the He-tits in Kentucky. Lest we forget the illuminating email debate with that fat housewife who is cheating on her husband in Utah, you know, that lady who has that EMO daughter who really should just kill herself.
The amount of information dealing with death found online is just like that fat lady in Utah I mentioned, enormous. It is, unlike that fat lady with the suicidal daughter in Utah I mentioned, informative, and scientifically and philosophically enlightening. I pose one rhetorical question to you of course. Is all of this information about death entertaining? I ask because reading about the tragic and horrible deaths that befall innocent people is supposed to be funny right? Yeah I thought so! When I read about the woman who cleaned out the garbage disposal with her babies face, I expect to feel a warm stirring in my sensitive parts. When I click on my homepage and read about the man who had sex with a dead male puppy because he could not decide between pedophilia, bestiality, or necrophilia I expect to urinate myself from the chuckle!
Yes I believe, with the same certainty that a German winking to his Jewish dinner guests as he takes the pork roast out from the oven will offend them, that death should be entertaining. Didn’t I already say that? Anyway, a few years ago I stumbled upon a very interesting, and to me very entertaining, website dealing with real world death. You informative readers may already be aware of this site and if so, forgive me. Forgive me for boring you and redirecting your attention span from all that other important stuff you do online like downloading p*rn, playing WOW with other nerds, and cheating on your partner with other losers who are too ugly to flirt in three dimensional person all from the safety of the hearth while increasing your horizontal girth. Gee, that rhymed.
The website I am speaking of is mydeathspace.com. What is that you ask? Allow them to tell you. mydeathspace.com is an archival site, containing news articles, online obituaries, and other publicly available information.” As the site continues, it says “We have given you the opportunity to pay your respects and tributes to the recently deceased MySpace.com members via our comment system. Please be respectful.”
Mydeathspace is a strange and wonderful place because it humanizes the dead, if…you feel the need to do such a thing of course. The website not only gives all of the fun and informative details on their passing such as they ate a shotgun barrel for brunch or hung themselves with their mothers cut panties, it allows you to play in the grave of their MySpace page like you were Burke and Hare with high speed shovels! Yes, the MySpace pages of these recently deceased members are still active and in many cases you can leave, or read, the posthumous comments by other “friends” saying their goodbyes, I love you, and I miss you, and an occasional “there goes my twenty bucks f*cker!”
When you travel onto the pages of these dead MySpace dwellers one becomes acquainted with their hopes and dreams, their likes and dislikes, and see the various smiling pouty pimply images they have taken with their cell phone cameras in mirrors. As you observe all of these things your own awareness becomes enlightened to the fact that whatever facts they have on their page, or however hot or cold they were is meaningless now because they are dead. No, they will not finish college. No, they will not leave you a “happy hump day” comment next week. And no, they will not get to play Mob Wars with you tomorrow morning. They are DEAD! It is a sobering reminder of your own mortality because sooner or later your own profile will probably end up on the site after you bite the big one! Remember that when you upload those images from your forthcoming Christmas work party where you got drunk with that dude who pretended to be interested in your conversation to get into your pants.
For me, Mydeathspace is a wonderful place to spend time once you have exhausted your extra seed on that Internet p*rn and Googling of “dead chicks” after morning coffee.
So my dear Horrors of Humanity readers, if you have not experienced the surreal natures of mydeathspace.com I suggest you stop tweaking your MySpace page with raining twinkles and get fetch some mourning death to accompany your morning wood..It’s stiff there too! www.mydeathspace.com
Have a nice life, but have a better death!