Film Review: Great White (2021)

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SYNOPSIS:

A fun filled flight to a remote atoll turns into a nightmare for five passengers when their seaplane is destroyed in a freak accident and they are trapped on a raft, 100 miles from shore with man-eating sharks lurking beneath the surface.

REVIEW:

Sharks. Again. Always again and again and again.

Did anyone ever make a movie literally titled “Sharks vs. Stupid People”? That’s what 90% of these are. This would be “SvsSP – Part 19: Muh Baby”

The tone is set when we have two privileged snots basking in the lovely water while they take “oh so cute” selfies as their boat, showing signs of severe neglect, waits patiently for them. Instead, a shark fin appears, panic, blood in the water, and we move on to the human chum bucket known as our cast.

We have the warm and fuzzy couple who run the charter service that will fail miserably during the run of the film. Kaz is preggers, and Charlie looks like a poor man’s Owen Wilson, although he doesn’t walk around saying “wow”, thank goodness. Then you have their hired hand, Benny, who is the best character in the whole movie, even if he is a cliché. Last, but not least, we have the mismatched couple with an impossibly nice woman (Michelle) and her totally oblivious jerk of a husband (Joji).

As soon as the words “I’m sure” (in one form or another) rolls out of Charlie’s mouth about anything after the group discovers the partially eaten remains of the couple from the opening scene, you know disaster is ready to strike. Otherwise, why make the film?

Shark attacks the seaplane. Seaplane sinks, and our human Snausages are stuck in an inflatable raft.

It is amazing when you realize a lot of these shark movies use the same techniques that slasher movies tend to use. Shark pov shots, misleading jump scares, misdirection during an attack, morons missing a lethal shot at the killer at pointblank range – the list goes on. I guess the bubbling of the water is the shark version of heavy breathing?

What did you expect was gonna happen? This crew of brainiacs will have a long discussion on the nature of humanity in an informal setting, a la “My Dinner with Andre”? No. They do the usual nonsense of bickering, screaming, doing whatever they can to attract more predators, and falling out of the damned raft every few minutes. If you didn’t want them all eaten alive before they were set adrift, you will every time you are reminded how far they are from the coastline.

At least the shark is interesting, right? No. It’s a great white. Actually, in some shots, it is a cheesy CGI construct. Others, just a silhouette. In the end, it is just something that wants to hunt down and eat the cast, though I’m not really sure these folks are worth following for days when there are easier treats to be had elsewhere. Maybe the shark started out just harassing them for giggles but then decided it was best to remove them before they are all cast in a sequel.

If you have watched more than 4 shark movies from the last 10 years, you’ve seen this thing played out before. Hell, the final confrontation in this film feels lifted right out of the end of “Deep Blue Sea 3”. I only watch shark movies when asked to review them, and I’ve seen this premise done at least twice by movies ripping off better movies with the same premise! This is like a 7^th or 8^th generation VHS-style dub of the plot – you can make out what is happening but who really cares?

Not saying that the film looks bad or is bad in general. “Great White” looks wonderful (except for the CGI shark) and the cast give fair performances across the board. The problem is all of it has been done before. All of it! In more entertaining ways. With more horror. More blood. More beefcake and cheesecake, if you’ll pardon the old terms. It is ultimately generic enough to be inoffensive, which should be the opposite aim of a shark film. “Watership Down” held more tension and horror in most any scene, and it was about freaking BUNNIES!!!

Oh, and “Great White”? That bloated run time makes your ass look big. Just sayin’.

You gotta have a shark fix, watch this. If you want something with more teeth, then – I dunno. Hang out in a dentist’s office, maybe. Actually, if your mild-mannered grandparents want to watch one of your “wild movies”, show them this. They’ll be thrilled, but not so much so that they drop dead before the shark does.