Film Review: Satanic Sluts 3: Scandalized (2009)

SYNOPSIS:

Starring the UK’s most notorious Satanic Slut, Voluptua, whose utterly salacious sex scandal threatened to topple the BBC and even had leading politicians utter the sacred words “Satanic Sluts”. Inspired by tabloid sleaze, Voluptua relaxes and lets her naughty dreams take her to every scenario you can think of, from military dress-downs to ’60s-style space settings and back again.

REVIEW:

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into before I sat down to watch this film so I tried to find the trailer online to have some idea of what this movie was going to be about. Unfortunately, I didn’t find a trailer for this film but I found the trailer for the original Satanic Sluts.

To say the least, I was unimpressed. The original film looked like nothing more than a cheap soft-core lesbian sex flick with ample nudity and a complete lack of story. Surely, if they made three of these films there had to be something to them besides just naked English girls making out in silly costumes.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more wrong in my life, except for that time in the seventh grade when I mixed up the Magna Carta with the Kama Sutra. Satanic Sluts 3: Scandalized is less of a film and more of a series of sex scenes that are loosely tied together with tabloid covers whose headlines set up the scenes that follow them.

I can’t even praise the camera techniques in this film. Either we’re getting a poorly framed shot of scenery or we’re getting a poorly framed shot of one of the “actresses” masturbating/making out/having sex with one of the other actresses all with terrible music and even worse CGI backgrounds.

Looking for inspiring dialogue or character development? Then you’ve come to the wrong place. The “acting” (if you can call it that in the few scenes that aren’t just two girls having sex for no reason) is so abysmal that I actually found myself wishing I was watching the R rated version of Digital Playground’s Pirates instead. Pirates may have been a terribly acted p*rn film with a cheesy story and even cheesier CG effects but at least there was a story I could follow.

Satanic Sluts 3 is an hour and twenty minutes of some of the worst soft-core p*rn I’ve ever had the displeasure of having to sit through. To be perfectly honest, I spent most of the duration of the film with my hand on the remote hitting the fast forward button just so I get through this train wreck. Any time I saw one of the “actresses” mouths moving, and she wasn’t having sex, I’d hit play just to make sure I wasn’t missing any possibly important dialogue, only to be rewarded with silence or dialogue that did nothing more for the overall story than set up why this particular pair of women were about to have sex.

 

As a film, Satanic Sluts 3: Scandalized is an abject failure across the board, with poor acting, atrocious music, no story and worse camera angles then an art film from the local high school. However, if watching girls in silly costumes get naked and have semi-hardcore sex is your thing, then Satanic Sluts 3 should be on your DVD shelf. In fact you may want to buy three copies, just in case you wear one out or accidentally glue one of the covers shut.