Author Archives: Joel Harley

Film Review: Tears of Kali (2004)

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SYNOPSIS: A trilogy of terrible tales, all relating to a mysterious Indian cult and the repercussions of their teachings upon our modern world. The sinister Taylor-Eriksson group may not have the greatest of cult name (no, they can’t top up your bloody phone!) but their Gods are just as scary as any Cthulu fanatics or Scientology fiends. Apart from maybe Tom Cruise, obviously.

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Film Review: A Chinese Torture Chamber 2 (1998) – CAT III

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SYNOPSIS: A ruthless governor with a girl’s name turns against his former friends after his lust for pretty young Lotus takes a turn for the more sinister. Now in a position of great power, he has the lot of them violently tortured and brutalised. With power, said a great man (I believe it was Uncle Ben, the rice salesman) comes great responsibility. And also a free torture chamber, with which all involved are about to … Continue reading

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Film Review: Live Feed (2006)

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SYNOPSIS: Holidaying in Japan, a group of ignorant youths decide to take a break from the constant drinking and partying to check out an underground P*rno theatre. When said cinema turns out to be a hangout and occasional hangout for a local gangsters’ mob, the youths find themselves in for the fight of their life. It’s all fun and games, until someone breaks out the S&M masks. REVIEW: One of the slew of torture movies … Continue reading

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Film Review: Gore Whore (1994)

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SYNOPSIS: A lab assistant steals a very important secret formula from her boss. The miffed doctor hires a down-on-his-luck PI (nice hair though) to hunt down and find the assistant and his formula. Complications arise when it becomes evident that the girl is actually a resurrected hooker who needs a constant supply of blood to stay alive. Between the zombies and the dead hooker (not in a trunk) PI Chase must keep all his wits … Continue reading

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Film Review: Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat (2002)

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SYNOPSIS: A cannibalistic caterer prepares a grand feast for the Egyptian goddess who has him under her control. No pork pies or scotch eggs for goddess Ishtar though – only the finest young women will do, chopped up to bits and dressed up as party food. Tasty. REVIEW: “I’ve always compared Blood Feast to a Walt Whitman poem,” Herschell Gordon Lewis once said of his infamous gore movie. “It was no good, but it was … Continue reading

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Film Review: Snuff (1976)

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SYNOPSIS: A cult leader named Satan runs amok during the summer of love, bullying his motorbike-riding hippy followers into murdering and torturing anyone who gets in their way. Then the director calls “cut” and the crew, to relax, murders one of the actresses. Or do they? No. But can we ever be sure of that? Yes, we can. No actresses were harmed in the making of this movie. Or were they? For the last time, … Continue reading

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Film Review: Castle Freak (1995)

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SYNOPSIS: A recovering alcoholic and his grieving wife and daughter inherit an enormous Italian castle left to them by his estranged mother. What she left out of the will is that they’ve also inherited the sexually frustrated monster living in the basement. There’s always a catch. REVIEW: It was while watching Castle Freak that I was struck with a sudden realization – that Stuart Gordon might just be my favourite horror director of all time. … Continue reading

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Film Review: Emanuelle in America (1977)

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SYNOPSIS: Fearless journalist and fashion photographer Emanuelle takes America, amongst other things. In a globetrotting journey which covers as much ground as your average Bond movie, Emanuelle joins a harem, investigates a snuff filmmaker and takes her clothes off a lot, everywhere. REVIEW: The most infamous of the black Emanuelle movies (as opposed to the other one, spelled with two m’s), Emanuelle in America is a genre defining bit of filth, which inspired a number … Continue reading

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Film Review: Inquisition (1976)

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SYNOPSIS: A Witch-Finder General (not that one) falls in love with a village beauty and suspected witch who, unbeknownst to him, has made a pact with Satan himself to seduce and eternally damn those who would kill off his servants. Vincent Price would never have fallen for that. REVIEW: “No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition!” goes the old Monty Python sketch. Except you do, because Witch-Finder General Bernard de Fossey (horror legend Paul Naschy) puts up … Continue reading

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Film Review: Back From The Dead (2001)

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SYNOPSIS: During a spot of hypnotically induced past-life regression, dim-witted Corbet finds his inner cannibalistic psychopath awakened, and embarks upon a violent killing spree in which all manner of carnage is gleefully inflicted upon those around him. Plus a great many puerile sound effects as he does it. REVIEW: “A bit like Peter Jackson’s Braindead or Bad Taste” is how Craig Godfrey’s Back From the Dead is best, if rather unimaginatively described. Both directors originate … Continue reading

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Film Review: Touch of Death (1988)

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SYNOPSIS: Getting bored with the dating game and racking up a series of hefty gambling debts, a slobby middle-aged man begins murdering women then stealing their money and valuables afterwards. But Lester Parson is no average murderous thief – he takes great pleasure in his imaginative acts of violence, gruesomely bludgeoning his victims to death or casually roasting their heads in an oven. Lester’s troubles worsen when a copycat strikes, repeating his crimes and implicating … Continue reading

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Film Review: Terror Firmer (1999)

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SYNOPSIS: As a team of filmmakers attempt to get their latest movie made, a serial killer strikes, bumping off the cast and crew one by one. Can they survive for long enough to complete filming on the project? And can Lloyd Kaufman really manage to pull off a sensitive portrayal of a blind man? The answer to the latter question is, of course, no. REVIEW: This is exactly what I imagine the set of a … Continue reading

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Film Review: Goregasm (2007)

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SYNOPSIS: A serial killer wearing assless chaps and a penis on his chin murders horny couples and masturbators, beating them to death with an enormous rubber phallus. Meanwhile, a pair of cops attempt to put a stop to his murderous antics and the workers at a local sex shop attempt to survive his wrath.

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Film Review: Funny Games (1997)

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SYNOPSIS: A very middle-class family retreat to their bourgeois lake house where they hope to unwind, play a little golf and spend some time together. Their idyllic day is interrupted when two softly-spoken psychopaths break in and take the family hostage. What do they want? To play some games. Not golf either. Nor particularly funny.

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Film Review: Cut and Run (1985)

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SYNOPSIS: A reporter and her cameraman connect a surviving Jonestown leader and a TV exec’s missing son to a drug war where jungle installations are being massacred by an army of natives and a skilled white assassin.

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Film Review: Barricade (2007)

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SYNOPSIS: Camping in Germany, a group of friends encounter a tribe of violent cannibals in the woods. A lovely summer afternoon quickly turns into a fight for survival. Well what do you expect, camping in a place ominously known as The Black Forest? REVIEW: In a world in which we now have five Wrong Turn movies, seven Texas Chainsaw Massacres and countless other identikit backwoods horror tales, do we really need another entry to the … Continue reading

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Film Review: A Fucking Cruel Nightmare (2010)

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SYNOPSIS: In what may or may not all be a (f*cking cruel) nightmare, a man wanders around a series of plastic-coated corridors, observing as a number of helpless victims are brutally murdered before him. Tables are turned slightly for the nightmare’s second half, but it’s still just another forty five minutes of repetitive torture. That’s about it, where plot is concerned. REVIEW: “This film contains loads of cruel, nasty, brutal, sick and violent scenes,” reads … Continue reading

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About Joel Harley

Lunatic, lover, poet.

Obsessed fan of everything horror, Batman and Queen (the band). Lover of Lovecraft, passionate writer, heavy drinker and idiot.