Haunted Honeymoon

Horrors of Humanity: The Revenge of Erotica

It is mankind that is responsible for all of the horrors of the real world. It is my belief that mankind is a cosmic virus in need of eradication, but that is just the opinion of a misanthrope and irrelevant within the scope of this article. Anger, hatred, and violence are at the root of many of these horrors but are they all unwarranted? This is where the concepts of revenge and vengeance come into the picture.

I believe in a world where revenge is exacted as “an eye for an eye” as if the book of Exodus manifested its arcane Laws in the modern world. For those unfamiliar with the second book of the Torah and of the Christian Old Testament, Exodus spins the tale about a Jew who drove that blue bus through the Arizona desert looking for a mountain where all the turquoise Indian jewelry comes from.

You remember now, he was just like Jesus? He was a Wasp sandal-wearing hippy that couldn’t hold a job so wandered around stealing bird seed and copping cheap feels from blind chicks? When I say “WASP” I mean a white Anglo Saxon Protestant by the way, not that flying bug stinging me on my knee when I was six because my brother was an asshole. Let’s move on shall we?

Revenge, vengeance, blood feuds, or whatever word you desire to use for it is an instinctive part of the human psyche as well as that of the divine. And as the Divine Homer Simpson once said of revenge, “The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten.”

And if God can be a jerk, than so can I. I say Fuck forgiveness, turning the other cheek, and screw saying the best revenge is living successfully! I am all for burying that hooker up to her neck in the sand and throwing rocks at her till she is dead, but I digress as I thought I was talking about revenge. What was I saying? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!

Revenge, there are so many wonderful things you can say about it! It makes me think of that dead guy who hung out with the dead gay French midget on the island when he said, “revenge is a dish best served cold”. You know? He said it as he shot some space rays at Captain Kirk before he sold plane tickets. Of course Khan did not make that up, the saying is a paraphrase from Dangerous Liaisons, that movie based on the story from some long dead frog that wore a girls wig and a girdle. It was a movie starring that chick who boiled the rabbit and the bald guy who was a Mouseketeer with the ears, cape, and swords.

Yeah the above picture really has nothing to do with the story but every time I mention a Mousketeer I immediately associate it with giant ducks and tits or maybe that’s a giant duck with tits. I can’t be to sure on that one. Anyway, with the advent of the Internet, revenge has become a much easier practice. It is bedfellows with cyber stalking as a means of emotional and psychological terrorism. Revenge has manifested on the Internet in many ways, from simple hacking into someone’s computer files, cyber accounts, etc but there is yet a much darker aspect becoming a reality.

I then welcome you my dear readers to the phenomenon of “Revenge P*rn”! What’s that you ask? According to the Urban Dictionary, revenge p*rn is “Homemade p*rn uploaded by ex girlfriend or (usually) ex boyfriend after particularly vicious breakup as a means of humiliating the ex or just for own amusement.”

The pathology of those performing something like revenge p*rn will vary with the mental health of the individual and be case specific but I am no f*cking Dr. Spock so let’s move on. What may be certain is that revenge p*rn is usually perpetuated by men onto women. Women are too busy making it with other guys to be worried about the replaceable testosterone trash they left behind. Of course I am not suggesting that women are not as vindictive as men, they just do not need to perpetuate such acts as revenge p*rn to get back at their former lovers. That is unless they want to showcase that the guys c*ck goblin was too small for the Halloween costume. Perhaps it may be conjecture, but it may be safe to assume that the perpetuation of revenge p*rn may be some sad latent method for sexually disadvantaged men to feel like they are a p*rn stars. What do I know; I am none of the above. I think pleasuring yourself to yourself having sex is some kind of ancient riddle, existential mental exercise, or some Freudian nightmare.

Let’s examine one case of revenge p*rn shall we? Sure why not, I have the time and enough booze to continue the thinking thread until my ADD kicks in then you’re all f*cked with incomplete sentences. Allow me to introduce you to Jared Wolny and Tessa Komer, two people whose mothers should have swallowed or at least consented to anal sex. These two lovers met on the bastard child of MySpace called Facebook. They met, put a square peg into a round hole (he really should have seen a doctor), moved into tract housing, bought a dog named “boo”, and exchanged “promise rings” because he was too cheap for a diamond. A few months later Tessa, tired of all the fake plants and Super Poke Pet hugs he would leave on her profile, decided to start “hooking up” with some other guy who had way more shiny bling on his profile, lest we forget his thing was way bigger than his bling! So poor Jared, already suffering minor depression from having a name like that fat dude who ate all the sandwiches, decided to adopt the classic stalker persona and hack into her profiles, steal her passwords, and stare into the mirror while tucking and repeating “I’d f*ck me”. He also posted pictures of Tessa’s pink velvet sausage wallet on Facebook.

In the end, the end of the story not his ass which is awaiting trial, he was charged with 32 counts of misdemeanors and a bunch of stuff I am too drunk to care about typing. Tessa is still banging a bunch of men but checking for strange hums and red glowing dots in the closet before opening her legs.

Want another? Sure, I can do that! Let me introduce you to David Feltmeyer a guy whose name makes me wonder why David felt Meyer and where, and who the hell is Meyer anyway? The outcome of this case had a much different ending then the previous one. David Feltmeyer, of Chesterfield, Virginia, said, “yep I sure did” in April 2007 to a misdemeanor charge stemming from his making a DVD of him and his girlfriend harnessing the underwear unicorn.

Feltmeyer had originally been charged the month before, with a felony for distribution of obscene material after he was accused of placing multiple copies of the DVD, with his ex’s name and address, on car windshields. I guess that beats those Avon catalogs. After men started showing up on the woman’s doorstep, evidently mistaking the DVD for a solicitation, Feltmeyer was contacted by the police, who searched his apartment for other cool p*rn paraphernalia. Soon after, Feltmeyer turned himself in. But because prosecutors were unable to prove that he’d distributed the DVD—Feltmeyer admitted only to making it and sending a copy to his ex—the felony charge didn’t stick, and Feltmeyer received a suspended 90-day sentence and 30 hours of community service.
Revenge p*rn is such a new phenomena that there are really no statutes prohibiting it but why would a statue care about some dude posting videos of his girlfriend online?

As quoted from some online article I stole because I was drunk and lazy, “Given the rise in the number of legal cases involving the use of homemade p*rn to exact revenge, it seems inevitable that new laws will be passed to address the phenomenon.” It must then be speculated that until the time comes to specifically deal with “revenge p*rn” the phenomena will continue to thrive. So that should serve as a warning to women the next time they pray with their knees upward to Moses as he parts their red sea.

A slew of sites exist celebrating revenge p*rn and here they are because I knew you would want them and I am all about the caring. Of course proceed with caution as to whether these are legitimate revenge p*rn sites or “regular” p*rn. Now you kiddies under 18 should not be going on these sites! You should be out on the streets smoking crack and taking X so you can impregnate that wigger whore at the rave.

http://www.formergirlfriends.com/
http://www.shooshtime.com

What’s the moral of this story you are probably asking? Why did I cover this subject in a column dealing with real world horrors? I will answer the second question first. Wait, no I won’t because I answered that in the first paragraph. It’s because people are petty, weak, generally suck, and deserve to die. Ok now onto the first question: the moral. Well that one depends upon your gender. If you were a guy the moral would be all about misdirecting the release of any revenge p*rn to make you look like the victim as well, all the while exploiting the ex-girlfriend! Then you can pretend to be all hurt and still humiliate her by posting their Bermuda Triangle all over the net! Other than that, don’t be stupid and get caught, duh! That sounds more like advice than a moral though. Ok then, onto the chick (not literally). The moral of the story for the chicks is to never trust a man for one thing. I say that as one. Always look around the room for running electronic devices, an occasional click that sounds like a camera phone, or some strange guy peeking out of the closet. My advice to women is of course to become lesbians and have pillow fights while doing each other’s hair, and I do not mean the hair on your heads.

Revenge p*rn is yet another shining example of the evolving disease that embodies within human nature. Those we once liked or loved betray and rape our trust but it has effects on a far deeper level than they, or we anticipated. We loose not just a trust of the specific individual perpetuating the crime but we are set up to mistrust the collective of everyone coming into our personal sphere. Thanks for that!

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