So, in my mind, amongst horrible and bloody thoughts of you, I have a growing mass of villains and horror icons that I both love and admire and yet, have never really seen any such compilation from any other esteemed and notable columnist that wasn’t the same old regurgitated sh*t being used over and used over for the sake of churning out another mediocre horror-themed article. It occurred to me while drunk and sharpening axes, that you deserve more than that, you deserve something with a little thought and explanation to it. And, seeing as how much I love and admire you, I set the blades down and created another brilliant entry into the much anticipated and revered “The 13″.
Now, when writing this list I wanted to include only the most badass motherf*ckers. Not just neat-o characters with great costumes or rad senses of omnipotence, but actually someone who we become familiar with beyond the high body count, killer aesthetics and vague persona. People like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees are awesome and, don’t get me wrong, they deserve to be at the top of most lists, but you never really get to get up close and personal with them once they reach icon-status. I understand that this is a useful tool when trying to keep the killer ominous, but I like getting to know people I admire.
There are many amazing horror icons, but I think real coolness comes from personality and I think personality is something you discover over a time spent learning about the intricacies of the subject’s psyche through thoughts and expressions, not by them hiding in the shadows just waiting to jump out.
I did try to limit the amount of vampires in this list, but damn, they really make for a cool villain. And, as always, if you have any constructive criticism or input as to how this list could have been better; I don’t want to see it in the comments, go saw your f*cking head off you little know-it-all sh*t (just kidding, you really are special to me).¬†
13- Bub the zombie – Day Of The Dead (1985)
Talk about personality; this is a zombie that could very well be the life of the party. Seriously, aside from his overwhelming need to eat faces, I think we could have been bffs. Plus, looking at his clothing and the way he fires that gun like he’s an undead Clint Eastwood, I’m going to go ahead and assume this guy was one badass motherf*cker before being a zombie made him a horror icon.
12- Captain Spaulding – House Of 1,000 Corpses, The Devils Rejects
This is a character I liked more and more as time went on. In the entire first movie all you get from him is that he is a deranged weirdo who has an unhealthy obsession with serial killers and an over-the-top, creepy clown suit. Through the course of The Devils Rejects the grease paint wears off and you see the dirty, gritty badass that is Captain Spaulding. We find that he¬†
isn’t as goofy and happy as he seemed; he even drives the point home by knocking a mother unconscious for her car and telling her child he will kill his whole f*ckin’ family unless he can think of a reason why clowns aren’t funny. All the while, being a true-grit family patriarch.
11- Bad Ash – Army Of Darkness
So, you take Bruce Campbell’s ‘Ash’ character, blow his head off with a shotgun, accidentally resurrect him and give him reign over the deadites… How was this guy not destined to at least make the list? The only reason he isn’t at the top of the list is because Bruce only played him for a few scenes and then he had to be comparable to Good Ash the whole time and nobody, but nobody, is ever going to outshine Bruce Campbell.
10- Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon) – Fright Night
In normal settings this guy is collected, suave and the perfect gentleman, in vampire mode this demon spawn of Satan will release a hellstorm of holysh*trun on your ass. A perfect example of ‘cool’ and ‘badass’ rolled into one.
09- David (Kiefer Sutherland) – Lost Boys
Alright, lets get the 80’s thing out of the way, the mullet is definitely not working for him on this list, but the fact that he has enough super-coll points left to toss him in at number 9 is really saying something. Aside from the unfortunate locks, this guy pretty much is the epitome of¬†badass coolness. His general anarchistic attitude, killer wardrobe and unquenchable bloodlust
make David one awesome sonofabitch in my mind.
08- Viktor (Bill Nighy) – Underworld, Underworld: Evolution and Underworld:
Rise Of The Lycans Admit it, every time he slams his fist you piss yourself a lil’ bit out of excitement and get an adrenaline rush that causes you to blacken every eye within a 50 foot radius leading to a twenty-four hour period of remorse and binge drinking.. It’s alright, the same thing happens to
me too.¬†…what? Just me?
07- Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel) – Behind The Mask
Here is a bad guy you really get to know well and you find he actually is a really cool guy. He has tact, style, planning capabilities and he even seems like he would make a kick-ass drinking buddy. The only problem is he would more than likely just rather plan out your demise and watch you fall into every clich√© until you are a puddle of red goo under your hanging corpse. Still
though,¬†a great smile and manners go a long way.
06- ‘Murder’ Legendre (Bela Lugosi) – White Zombie (1932)
One thing I really want to nail down that ‘Murder’ has in his bag of tricks is the partial facial lighting to add a sense of sinister intent to everything he says. Plus, he has an army of zombies constantly lurking in the back ground. Oh yeah, and he is FUCKING BELA LUGOSI! END!
05- Biker Zombie (Tom Savini) -Dawn Of The Dead (1978), Land Of The Dead
This guy blazes onto the scene as a leather-clad, machete wielding madman with a group of psychotic bikers taking joy in stealing guns and cracking some zombie skulls. Once he gets bitten, we find him down the road in the sequel as a leather-clad, machete wielding zombie biker taking joy in being impervious to guns and cracking human skulls. Plus, it’s Tom Savini, so…
04-Hannibal Lecter – Silence Of The Lambs, Hannibal and Red Dragon
Refinement, sophistication, cunning sense of humor and cannibalism all rolled into one creepy old man. The coolness level of his polite ways of saying f*cked up sh*t is rivaled only by his methods of torture and killing. He is approachable yet sadistic. Kind but brain-eating. He is intensely scary and is so amazingly cool about it all.
03- Chop Top (Bill Moseley) – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II
OK, the meaning of the word “cool” here has to be a little warped for this entry. Chop Top is not so much James Dean cool as he is just hilarious insanity with a wicked sense of sadism. I admire the fact that he goes out with a metal plate covering part of his brain, but c’mon, then he puts on a Sonny Bono costume? That is pure awesomeness right there. I also feel like you really get to know him fairly well on account that he never holds any words behind his crooked, rotting teeth. His personality shines though and he ceases to be just a killer, he is a genuine, psychotic weirdo and I love everything about him.
02 -Dracula (Bela Lugosi)
The legendary aristocratic vampire played by the one and only Bela Lugosi and his perfect devious smile could only be second to:
01- Dracula (Christopher Lee)
I am sorry to all those who will undoubtedly disagree with me but you are f*cking wrong. Dead wrong. Lee brought a very intense sense of malevolence and a rougher edge to this character that Bela didn’t have or necessarily even need. Im not saying I think Christopher Lee is a better Dracula by any means, just that he is a cooler Dracula. It isn’t just the fact that Dracula is the
coolest villain ever created long before cinematic renditions, just that Hammer Films really brought a lot of campy, stylistic twists to the character (like blood red eyes and a pompadour). Throughout the history of Lee playing the bloodsucking king of awesome we got a new level of intensity brought to this classic villain on a film-by-film basis. In my humble, modest and perfect opinion, Christopher Lee as Dracula is the most badass it can get.
Here we are again. The end of an amazingly well written and poignant article by an amazingly snappy dresser who doesn’t know the meaning of the words “sir, you’re making a scene”.