His glory days are long gone but if he closes his eyes he relives just a little piece of them…in his head anyway. He was once just another guy that played in a band, but to his students he paints a very different picture.Â
To them he was a star. How would they know the difference? Unexpectedly the door bursts open.Â In walks a petite young blonde who clearly is up to no good. She plants her self on the piano bench so close that the teacher is taken aback, yet clearly pleased to be this close to someone so young and vital.
Un-phased she greets him with all the joy she may reserve for the captain of the football team.Â This of course didnât stop the teacher from delivering some bad news:Â
Sheâs about to flunk out of his class, and will likely not be graduating because of it.Â After being informed of this she does what any distinguished young lady would do in her position without hesitation: Strips nude and gets ready for action!
YupâŚI think she may be passing that class after all.
The preceding is an excerpt from a film, and little did its viewers realize they were witnessing the early days of an honest to god, real life scream queen.
The Movie? Graduation Day
The young starlet? A bright eyed, and fresh faced Linnea Quigley.
Now there may be some of your horror extremists out there who know all about Linnea Quigley and think Iâm all behind the 8 ball for having been unfamiliar.Â Itâs actually a little hard to argue here given that I am one of the biggest horror extremists on the North American continent and should know better. That said Iâm a little embarrassed to admit that I only JUST put the puzzle pieces together about a week or so ago as to just who she was, even though Iâve been unwittingly watching her films for years.Â This is even more shocking given Ms. Quigleyâs choice of film roles (not to mention her propensity for showing off her cans) seem to be custom tailored to ME.
The light bulb moment happened when my bud Jeff and I were gearing up for a sweet viewing of “Pumpkinhead 2″.Â I had seen the first “Pumpkinhead” when I was in high school and it had been SO long since the initial viewing that I decided to re-watch it a few weeks earlier. MAN was I floored by how awesome it was. I had a memory of it being great, but it was WAY more unbelievably great then I remembered. SO…me being ME…I instantly decided I was in a Pumpkinhead phase and plotted to view the entire saga to make sure I was UP TO SPEED. (An aside: âPumpkinheadâ 3 and 4 are a waste of time.Â Stop at 2.)
This is what led to the aforementioned âPumpkinhead 2â viewing.Â As is customary when Jeff comes by, two GINORMOUS vats of popcorn were prepared and doused with butter.Â Pizza may have been involved.Â I donât quite recall.Â The lights were dimmed. The movie started. The credits rolled. I was gobbling popcorn at a pace that can only be described as ârhino-likeâ, when the name “Linnea Quigley” appeared on the screen and something hit me. “Why does that name ring such a bell?”Â I started going through the mental Rolodex of all the movies Iâd seen recently.Â Now rememberâŚthis IS me we are talking about.Â
Itâs a pretty freakinâ big Rolodex to get through.Â I tried to put the thought aside so I could give my focus totally over to the intro of âPumpkinhead 2â, which involved a bunch of 1950âs lookinâ dudes torturing an elephant man-eque boy before tossing him down a well.Â (At this point I knew this was going to be a very very VERY different experience then the first âPumpkinheadâ.)Â I couldnât shake it.Â
It was killing me and given that I am a real life douchebag I whipped out my iPhone and consulted the all knowing/all seeing IMDB. com.Â I found Linnea Quigley and I really just gave a QUICK SCAN to her IMDB profile. I didnât look at the FULL resume, but I did see just enough of it to exclaim:Â “Oh!…Thatâs it!Â She’s the chick from ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ who is topless the entire time and gets hung on some moose antlers! NICE!”
Phew! RELIEF! With that I went back to âPumpkinhead 2â and destroying the bucket of popcorn.Â I found myself keeping an eye out for LQâs appearance in the film and felt a real sense of accomplishment for knowing whom she was.Â Have I mentioned Iâm weird?Â When she finally did appear she was topless (naturally) and having some illicit relations with an overweight dude in some kind of warehouse.Â I recognized her instantly.Â This moment may have been the best thing I got out of watching âPumpkinhead 2â.
Fast-forward a week later.Â I plopped on the couch Saturday afternoon for a LONG overdue viewing of âNight of the Demonsâ. (And more popcorn of course.)Â âNight of the Demonsâ is one of those movies that I would ALWAYS see at the video store, or on Netflix and say âMan..I should REALLY watch thatâ and just never did.Â
I recently decided it was now my mission to view any movies that fell into that category so the N of the D viewing was pretty critical.Â Just like the Pumpkinhead viewing the movie started.Â The credits rolled. There it was AGAIN!: “Linnea Quigley”.Â Now my curiosity was MORE then peaked. I began watching the movie and SURE NUFF within about ten minutes of the movie beginning we are treated to an extreme close up of LQ bending over putting on an ass show to some SWARMY dudes in a 7-11.Â Twenty minutes after that she was:
In one of the most unexpected special effects in cinema history she shoved a lipstick container INTO her boob.
Rode some dude.
Turned into a Demon.
Gauged his eyes out.Â
At that moment I officially anointed her a genius.
If her screen credits had ended then and there she would have already had ALL the respect in the world from me, but after the movie I did a little digging. What I found was STUNNING. Not only was she in “PH2″, “Silent Night, Deadly Night”, and “Night of the D’s” but she was in a GAGGLE of movies that I had JUST watched.
The kind of movies that you assume no actor from would get OTHER roles in other films. I was floored to find sheâs had a long and prolific career spanning four DECADES and is still making sweet movies to this very day.Â Her credits are too vast to list them all, so I will just list then ones that Iâve SEEN personally:
Don’t Go Near The Park (10yearsoflivingforeveryoneyearoflife)
Silent Night, Deadly Night
Return of the Living Dead
Nightmare on Elm St. 4 (she plays a soul that comes out of Freddy’s chest…i.e. more brilliance)
Night of the Demons
Cheech n’ Chongs Nice Dreams (not horror, but I think itâs the one that has Stacy Keach turning into an Iguana.Â It is right?)
Cheech n’ Chong’s Still SmokinÂ (The Cheech and Chong connection really only ups her stock by a factor of 977.)
Sorrority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama
This is only the tip of the ICEBERG. There are roughly 100 titles in her catalogue that I am now OFFICIALLY on the hunt to check out to see them ALL. How could you not want to see movies like “Burial of the Rats” or “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”???
Needless to say I was floored.Â I am writing you all today to tell you I have officially declared Linnea Quigley as TOP scream queen of the past thirty years. THERE I SAID IT! CONTROVERSY??
Do you try to argue this? DO YOU? I ask you: Who comes to mind that could POSSIBLY top an artist as prolific as LQ? WHO? I mean really? Think about it for a second.
Iâm sure at least 80% of you MAY be like âWhatever dude!Â Everyone knows that Jamie Leigh Curtis is the top scream queen!Â If Entertainment Weekly tells me that then it MUST be true!âÂ To that I say two words: Horse. Shit.Â SURE I am well aware that EARLY ON in her career did a FEW horror films but I just did some DIGGING and found J.L. Curtis appears in a grand total of SIX horror films. (ehâŚseven if you count Halloween Resurrection which sheâs in for about 5 seconds, and is disqualified cause it features Busta Rhymes beating up Michael Myers.).
Can six movies grant you the title of top scream queen? Is this about quantity or quality here?Â NowâŚbefore you think I am blaspheming I know full well that the movies she WAS in were pretty tremendous and definitive films, (actually this reminds meâŚa viewing of âTerror Trainâ is long overdue) but lets take a look at the overall body of work here in order to judge. She also went on to SHUN her horror roots and apparently trash talk horror fansâŚi.e. the same people that give her success in the first place.Â
Can this really hold a candle to LQ?Â I say NO!Â Of LQâs 100 roles, over 50 have been in horror films, and so far as I can tell she has reveled in it.Â Not to mention sheâs ALSO had her share of definitive horror moments herself.Â Lets face it how many of us horror faithful have âspecial memoriesâ of her role as Trash in âReturn of the Living Deadâ?Â Thatâs gotta be the first hot Zombie in film history.Â Without LQâŚno âZombie Strippersâ.Â So Iâm giving this one to LQ. HANDS DOWN.
OkâŚnow there may be some of you out there thinking âYou are a real d*ck dude.Â This isnât even a fair comparison given that Jamie Lee Curtis is a pretty mainstream actress and Linnea Quigley is widely known as âQueen of the Bsâ.âÂ OkOKOkâŚFINE!Â
Letâs take a look at some OTHER 80âs B-movie queens.Â The first two that came to my mind were Sybil Danning and Adrienne Barbeau.Â I will admit that at first I thought âShitâŚmaybe these two will give LQ a run for her money!â, but upon further review they actually pale in comparison.Â Somehow in my mind I thought Sybil Danning was gonna be FAR bigger competition then she actually was given that she was also the 80âs go-to actress when you needed someone to show their boobs.Â
This is also probably because there were many nights in high school where I ârelaxedâ to her role in âThe Howling 2â, but in checking her credits there REALLY arenât a lot of horror roles to speak of. In fact âThe Howling 2â is really one of her ONLY horror movies up until recently where she earned bit parts in Rob Zombieâs sh*tty remake of âHalloweenâ (thatâs right sh*ttyâŚDEAL WITH IT) and in âGrindhouseâ.Â
Her being in âAmazon Women on the Moonâ and âV: The Seriesâ donât Count.Â If anything Adrienne Barbaeu was the real competition here given her roles in âCreepshowâ, âThe Fogâ, and âSwamp Thingâ but again the J.L. Curtis rules apply here and Adrienne Barbaeuâs credits are not nearly as impactful to the horror continuum as Jamie Leeâs so it kinda kills the argument.Â Alas, againâŚLQ=VICTORIOUS.
If there are any of you out there thinking things like âFuck you sh*tface.Â How can you compare LQ to the newer crop of scream queens to emerge over the last 10 years! Neve Cambell is the ESSENTIAL scream queen.âÂ To you people I just give a long blank stare.Â The fact that people like Neve Cambell and Jennifer Love Hewitt make it onto many âTop Scream Queenâ lists while LQ is omitted is downright embarrassing.Â And donât give me Sarah Michelle Gellar either Buffy freaks.Â I prefer Charisma Carpenter to her any day of the week.
I will concede that there are to many quality names to mention for the purposes of this article.Â The Asia Argentoâs of the world can send me some hate mail, but my vote stands.Â There is a sense of fun to Linnea Quigley that I think is pretty key in my thinking here.Â
Too many horror fans get too bogged down in taking things so seriously that they forget that horror movies are a lot of funâŚeven the super serious scary ones.Â Some of my favorite figures in horror are the ones that love the fun of the genre so much that they seem to be winking at you through the screen as if to tell you that if they werenât so busy making the movies theyâd be at home watching them.Â
Linnea Quigley is one of those people.Â There is also something very approachable about her.Â She seems like the kind of person that youâd want to hang out with and listen to Motley Crue for a few hours while taking bong hitsâŚok maybe thatâs just me.Â In shortâŚIf given the choice to go bowling in a slimeball bowl-o-rama with either Linnea Quigley or Jamie Lee Curtis, Iâll take Linnea Quigley any day of the week.