Haunted Honeymoon

Film Review: This Isn’t Twilight: The XXX Parody

Greetings my perverted horror fans! The psychiatric hospital signed my release forms stating that my “issues” are untreatable and I might as well get used to the shiny unicorns, gun slinging Jewbots, and anemic Nazi prostitutes drinking all my booze in the living room. Yet with all the medication, curiously placed electrodes, and cold silver speculums probing unnatural places I can still relate to Neil Patrick Harris when he once said: “Every time I see a bag of Hershey kisses, my balls get so wet!”

What does all this mean to readers of HorrorNews.net? It means that Cadaverotica is back, harder…and wetter than ever! We all know that while watching the gore and arterial splatter of traditional horror, you are subconsciously transferring that repressed rage, Oedipal complex, and Freudian death wish into desires for money shots and naked flesh bouncing on human trampolines.

So what are we going to talk about this time? It’s been so long and I have acquired a huge throbbing collection of horror p*rn from my PVC clad nurse in trade for certain alphabetical cunnilingus practices that I do not know where to begin! So let’s baby step into the viewing room, wipe off the crusty love stains on the blanket, and prepare for as the Buddha once said: “Gentlemen, start your engines! It’s gonna be a bumpy f*ckin’ ride!”

Let’s talk about Twilight shall we? Twilight may not be horror per se, but the nubile Goth crotch stained female teen angst still raises my eyebrow…and my boner even though Andrew Koenig was found dead in the woods but I think a vampire killed him anyway.

I do not really want to talk about Twilight but the p*rn parody This Isn’t Twilight: The XXX Parody! If you have not heard or seen it yet, the film is just what it claims to be, an erotic spoof of the Twilight film although I am not sure which one sucks more. The pun was intended so move on. It is not the first spoof of Twilight of course. Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx shot the film Twilight of Virginity in his home already but there’s always room for more. It’s like Jello pudding snacks.

The makers of This Isn’t Twilight: The XXX Parody, Devil’s Film www.devilsfilm.com have naturally gone out of the way to insist that it ISN’T Twilight or based on the books by Meyer, but that is probably for legal concerns.

This Isn’t Twilight: The XXX Parody is a p*rn horror spoof more so than horror p*rn but still worth mentioning. The film, directed by Sammy Slater who bagged well over 26 p*rn flicks between his legs, stars the great Jenna Haze and Chris “ my last name is not a pun” Johnson as Bella and Edward. Unlike the actual Twilight series the parody at least’s gets to the point and the sexually tortured couple get the interspecies erotica over with within the first scene.

The film begins with Edward and Bella walking through the woods while he warns her how dangerous he is and that she should be afraid. She doesn’t listen of course but what else did you expect from a chick who cannot find satisfaction from living teen boys who blow their loads before halftime. At least intercourse with vampires lasts a long time and I am not sure if that is connected to their immortality. That is evident from the fact that the one and only Bella and Edward sex scene lasts almost a half an hour. I wonder if 30 minutes of banging would have warmed up old Edward’s rigor mortis.

Yes, that was the next scene in the film. Edward escorts Bella back home for a little vampire sex. We, alongside Bella, are then introduced to Edwards’s vampire family. We spend a little time in the kitchen with his parents, portrayed by genre veteran Phyllisha Anne who has appeared in more than 142 adult films, and Jack Lawrence, someone who only wishes he had been in that many films.

We next spend some time upstairs with Edward’s brother and sister played by Lyla Storm and Talon who has yes, been in almost 700 p*rn flicks and that’s quite an acCUMplishment!

That sickly vampire look he has in the film required no makeup effects and possibly resulted from sticking his face in wet places over the years. We get some memorable quotes in this scene such as “f*ck that vampire p*ssy” and learn that vampire semen is ice cold. Our next sex scene involves a vampire Ménage à trois involving redheaded p*rn star Audrey Hollander, some dread headed dude, and a guy who looks like the original Partridge Family manager Rueben Kincaid.

I find it interesting that Audrey being a redhead plays a soulless vampire because according to Cartman from South Park, Ginger Kids have no soul. That’s just another lesson to ALWAYS trust fat racist children!

We now come upon (pun intended) the final scene of the film. We get to see some old people sex as Edwards’s parents get it on. His mom has some tan lines but I suppose she got those BEFORE she was turned into a vampire. I was confused towards the money shot scene when Jack asked Phyllisha “are you ready for my cold come?” because I thought he said “cold cuts” but maybe I was just hungry since it was late.

And that pretty much wraps up the film surprisingly. Not much of a plotline indicating that it was a vampire spoof unless you think the movie sucked…you know, like vampires do. At least we did not have to wait to see if Edward and Bella stake each other’s genitalia…

This Isn’t Twilight: The XXX Parody is not so much horror p*rn as some of the other films I have discussed in the past but I really do not care. I felt it was funny enough to bring to your attention. Stay tuned for the sequel “This Isn’t New Moon: The XXX parody” by the way. It CAME out in January…

This Isn’t Twilight: The XXX Parody

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