Haunted Honeymoon

Film Review: This Ain’t The Munsters XXX (2008)

SYNOPSIS:

Herman and Lily are celebrating their wedding anniversary. He goes to pick up a little something for the celebration at the Mockingbird Heights morgue and asks Grandpa to attach it for him. Meanwhile Marylin’s long distance boyfriend Ted is coming to visit and Eddie, who is in a band, has been caught on a sex-tape with two groupies

REVIEW:

Whenever I would watch the Munsters on television I always had so many questions vexing my inquiring mind. Did Herman have bolts for balls? Did the streaked drapes of Lily’s hair match her carpet? Did Eddy lick his own balls and prefer to hump doggie style? I would always sit there, seduced by the glowing black and white of the television screen as Herman and Lily would exchange their dialogue amongst the webs and dust. When she would gently kiss him on the cheek I thought, well… when are you going to suck his Frankenstein cock? What would they look like having sex? I know you all pondered the same cerebral envisioning. There is something very erotic about a misshapen green monster pounding a long black haired pasty chicks undead vaginal crypt. You know it’s true so do not lie to yourselves.

I know, so many penetrating questions that have gone unanswered for over 40 years. We have waited for so long to spy into the sexual coffins of the Munster family. Well my dear Cadaverotica readers the wait is over! Thanks to director Anton Slayer, writer Roger Krypton, and Hustler Video, all of these questions may finally be answered! This Ain’t The Munsters XXX is destined to be one of the classics within the horror p*rn genre and we will never visit 1313 Mockingbird Lane the same again. Perhaps the new address should be 1313 COCKingbird Lane? We will have to check into zoning laws and postal redirection I assume for that one.

We begin our tenebrous journey into Munster erotica with a quick masturbatory scene in the lab by “magic woman” played by Sammie Rhodes. She is performing her own laboratory experiment on depth insertion of silicone dildos within vaginal cavities. I think that is first term anatomical class but I could be mistaken.

We are immediately drawn into her experiment because who doesn’t enjoy watching a hot chick performing autoerotic gynecology while surrounded by test tubes and Halloween fog? Right as the scene bewitches us, she transforms in Grandpa Munster! I guess he desired to get a better feel for the feminine erogenous experience. From that we open with credits and a nice modern version of the Munster theme.

The film CUNTinues with a pleasant interaction of morning tea and conversation between the family. The set design of the interior of the Munster house is well replicated and for a p*rn, the acting is actually pretty good but let’s skip all the tale telling and get to the tail pounding shall we? Marilyn played by Shawna Lenne, awaits the return of her boyfriend after his three-year absence.

As soon as Ted, played with a weird muteness by Mick Blue arrives we finally get to see what all those years of sexual repression and frightened boyfriends have done to Marilyn’s libido! That Victorian couch has not been witness to so much banging since Henry Spencer Ashbee once sat on its soft cushions secretly masturbating to his own literature.

We are then taken to the morgue, Herman’s place of employment, as any Munsters fans should know. Herman and Grandpa hanging out as any normal green blooded undead creature would within a morgue planning a wedding anniversary, and we are introduced to the morgue attendant played by Evan “Pirates” Stone meeting his fiancé. One thing leads to another, Grandpa, played with hilarity by Gavin Wells, partakes of a serum transforming him into Evan, and the old man gets to bang the hot fiancé played by Whitney Stevens. And that’s every boy’s dream, to bang someone else’s fiancé while surrounded by mortuary aesthetics!

Meanwhile we learn that Eddie, rock star in the band Eddie and the Bruisers has a controversial sex tape floating around the Internet.

Eddie, played by Trent Soluri, has a sweet threesome with two groupies portrayed by Victoria Sin and Aiden Starr. I guess he doesn’t lick his own balls after all but he does blow his doggie bag from being on all four’s. Doggie style, two hot punk rock whores, and a literal howling orgasm is simply perfection!

Jenna Haze shows up to f*ck some random punk rock dude within a cemetery and I speak from experience when I say, nocturnal graveyard f*cking is a cure for all of your ills and woes!

Herman and Lily arriving to celebrate their wedding anniversary frighten off the couple but that’s fine because they were done anyway. Who doesn’t believe that a romantic picnic amongst the dead is not simply beautiful? We finally become enlightened to just what Herman got Lily for her anniversary present: a nice new cock installation! Lily just loves the gift commenting, “that’s the nastiest thing I have ever seen!” Herman and Lily, incarnated perfectly by Lee Stone and Roxy DeVille, have one of the hottest horror p*rn sex scenes I have ever been blessed by a darkened variation of Dionysus to witness.

The sex is not just hot, but comical with one of the best lines ever uttered in p*rn. While Lily rides Herman cowboy style he comments, “I knew you’d like the curved one”. He is referring to his cock in case you missed that point. Yeah, Lee points a little south of heaven, which adds to the believability of it being artificial. The scene ends with the usual money shot as Lee acts out a classic Herman Munster bouncing laughter. It’s a scene everyone must view! It was so funny that my laughter even distracted me from massaging by crotchal rigor with embalming lube.

This Ain’t The Munsters XXX is a must see film for anyone who is not just a fan of p*rn spoofs, but the Munsters. There is nothing negative about this film. From the acting, set design and lighting, to the salaciousness of the erotica, This Ain’t The Munsters XXX ranks a hard bones up in my opinion and I have high standards when I cum to…I mean when it comes to p*rn!

This Ain’t The Munsters XXX (2008)

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