Hello again all you wonderful horror-fanatics! This week we’ll praise horror for what it is, merely because it is praise worthy, don’t you think? In fact I feel horror could be a religion. And with every religion come basic guidelines to follow. So to those who feel horror is their religion, I decided to structure this week’s column around a basic ‘religious’ approach. Now, It is necessary to understand that when you live, breathe and sometimes even eat horror, that these guidelines are of the upmost importance to fully grasp the essence of horror. Mostly though it is just to stop idiots from buggering up the genre I love so dearly. Without further ado fellow Horror-ians, shall we continue with this week’s sermon?
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HORROR
1.) THOU SHALL BUDGET FOR BLOOD
He who does not budget for the gruesome part of a gruesome movie is a moron. There I said it! If I have to see one more horror movie where they ran out of corn-syrup, I’ll probably kill and donate myself for the cause. Just kidding… I’d rather go out and reap some other worthless souls for the cause. Anyway the point is that when we want blood, we want vast amounts of it and it seems as though some people know exactly what we need…
“Scream 4” is in production and the cast has been revealed. Old favourites will be returning in the form of Neve Campbell as Sidney Prescott, Courtney Cox as Gale Weathers-Riley, David Arquette as Sheriff ‘Dewey’ Riley etc. And we have some younger stars also joining the cast. Emma Roberts (“Wild Child”), Hayden Panetierre (“Heroes”), Rory Culkin (“Signs”) and the list goes on as to how many probable victims there might be in Wes Craven’s up and coming slasher film.
According to imdb.com the basic plotline is: “Ten years have passed and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer.” Well duh, what else would Scream be about? How to feed your ‘homicidal-Halloween-costume-loving’ friend? I doubt that very much.
Other news regarding “Scream 4” has Lauren Graham (“Gilmore Girls”), who will be playing Emma Roberts’ mom, joking on Jay Leno that “she’s probably the killer”. Hmmm… sure, but if I could choose who the killer should be, I’d actually be tempted to cast David Arquette as the Ghostface Killer. Why? Well, there is a certain psycho-appeal to him and I guess then I can tell people that Sheriff Dewey grew some balls in the last decade. That’s just my opinion. But we’ll find out soon enough who the killer is, because the release date for “Scream 4” has been set for 15 April 2011. Happy predicting until then!
2.) THY MONSTERS SHALL GIVE US NIGHTMARES FOR YEARS TO COME
There are many monsters that have been big screen heroes for a lot of us, but only a few truly give us that “AAAHHH”-factor, not to mention that only a few give us a reason to drink that extra cup of coffee to stay awake at night. In modern times we have become somewhat desensitised to the creeping unknown and I think it’s time that this change. We have the technology to make monsters seem absolutely revolting, with nightmarish gore and lore and all things funky attached to it, but it seems that those who should know about it, doesn’t.
“Humpty Dumpty” is a little more sci-fi horror than anything else and it seems a little… inbred hillbilly “The Hills have Eyes” meets nice little U.F.O’s with a thirst for knowledge “AVATAR”, but I must admit I am quite fascinated by what it could turn out to be. Directed by David R. Ellis (“Final Destination 2”, “Snakes on a Plane”) and written by Billy Majestic, the plot follows two brother’s (Petus and Pervis Brakk) who ambush a party of aliens who just wanted some samples for their intergalactic collection, the brothers kill all the male aliens, kidnap and torture the female alien until she gets pregnant and tadam! Humpty Dumpty is born and he seems to want revenge for what his daddies did. I’d like to see it, even if I’m not completely convinced that an interspecies’ relationship in 3D is going to make hordes of people flock to the theatre…
David Slade (“30 Days of Night”, “Twilight Saga: Eclipse”) isn’t done with turning novels into movies just yet. A new movie named “Cold Skin” is in production, is based on the Spanish best-selling novel by Albert Sanchez named “Pinol” and has been scripted by Jesus Olmo (“28 Weeks Later”). The title of the film already has one thinking vampire movie, especially after Slade’s previous most note-worthy work, but it isn’t! Nope, according to upcominghorrormovies.com this one has to do with an army of humanoid killer amphibians which already gives me the willies.
This might be off of the topic, but I just want to put an idea out there for all those Hollywood execs that might read our wonderful website… I’d like to see a Waspman VS Candyman type of thing in the future. The by-line could be something along the lines of “when they sting, they kill”. (I’m just being silly, but I’d still like to see something like that anyway).
3.) THOU SHALL BE UNPREDICTABLE
Unpredictable films are usually the most fun (and sometimes the most disappointing) to watch. You don’t know what to expect, you don’t know what gory detail you have to remember, there might be a twist etc. Off course it’s also a gamble whether or not something completely out of the box and original will work or not, this doesn’t only count for the director, but also for the viewers. I’m sure most of us had the unfortunate experience of having to pay for a flick we didn’t like… But sometimes we are surprised by the result of an unknown movie to such an extent that it becomes a cult classic in our own minds. I scouted for some original looking films and came across the following few that we would have to judge as soon as they finally come out…
“Gladiators VS Werewolves: Edge of Empire” seems a little far-fetched as far as titles go, but the more you tilt your head to re-read the title the more you might get thinking: “Well… maybe this would work with the right actors and the right crew…”
The film is co-written and directed by Rob Green (“The Bunker”), but no cast has been announced just yet… Although I’m not completely sold on the idea, I must admit that it does come across as original. The film is still in pre-production, but talks of a trilogy have already surfaced. The plot-line seems sound though, but you be the judge on that:
“AD 160. The Romans occupy Britain, and the great Handarian’s Wall divides the land, built to keep back the northern warrior tribes and something far more dangerous; a clan of savage wolf-like creatures which roam the lowlands.”
Courtesy of upcominghorrormovies.com
It goes on to say stuff like the werewolves get captured and placed into an amphitheatre and then having to battle gladiators to the death and with the nifty teaser poster I must say, I am quite intrigued by this idea…
I’m not done with the unpredictable film industry just yet. However I would like to ask a question before I continue… The 16th President of the United States was…? Hands up please… Yes? Abraham Lincoln! Congratulations to those who knew! To those who didn’t know… Shame on you! I’m not even American and I knew (don’t blame me for knowing unnecessary facts that I might never use, blame my thirst for knowledge). Anyway honest Abe might come back in a supernatural horror comedy type of movie, which will be produced by Tim Burton Productions, Timur Bekmambetov (“Wanted”) and Jim Lemley (“9”). So far there isn’t a name attached to who might be directing the movie and even worse it hasn’t even been turned into a script yet, but… I’m sure with a title like “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” people would flock to buy tickets.
The film is based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”, which, if memory serves me correct, was reviewed by our magical team of HorrorNews.Net staff. To those who didn’t read the review (shame on you), the story is basically about Abraham Lincoln’s secret battle and vendetta against vampires that began after they killed his mother when he was still a little-Abe.
4.) THOU SHALL NOT REMAKE
The Sodom and Gomorra of horror is the remake industry… I don’t know how many times the public needs to cry-out against horror remakes before it finally sets into the minds of those brain-dead Hollywood executives, but I won’t stop whining until it does. So here we are again, with horror remake rumours that make us cringe by just thinking about how horribly the upcoming ‘facelift’ could possibly be. Yes, yes, I know I sound like a broken record, but the reality of the matter is that it stinks.
“Piranha 3D” has released their poster to show what we would be missing if we didn’t watch it and frankly I couldn’t care less. Sure, there might be some people saying that I’m an idiot for not being excited about the “Piranha” remake, but the only thing this remake has going for it is the 3D part and I’m not particularly fond of 3D (maybe 3D in an IMAX cinema, but 3D in normal cinema… nah). What else can I say about this? Well, I’m sure it couldn’t be worse than a “Jaws 3D” remake which Universal Studios has been mentioning and which, according to showhype.com, Tom Cruise, who will star as Chief Brody, and Tracy Morgan (according to worstpreviews.com) has allegedly been linked to. I don’t like it and you can’t make me! I’d rather be eaten by a shark than watch Tom Cruise try to rekindle some sort of acting career again. Thankfully there has been no confirmation on this news, so we’re still in the clear for now.
Then there is other remake news… Now I’m sure that by now everyone knows about the “Fright Night” remake, but what everyone might not know is about who the cast is. “The Sun” reported that British actor, David Tennant, also famous for being the ass-kicking time-travelling alien who saves Earth time and time again in “Doctor Who” with his nifty screwdriver, will be playing Peter Vincent, a freaky Las Vegas magician and vampire expert in this remake. This may be Tennant’s big Hollywood break and all, but really? Couldn’t he have waited for something I won’t hate (let’s just say I will probably hate the “Fright Night” remake and leave it at that)? Other names involved with the film are Christopher Mintz-Plasse (“Superbad”), Anton Yelchin (“Star Trek”) and Colin Farrell (“Miami Vice”). Sure it looks impressive on paper, but so did “Nightmare on Elm Street” and look where that ended…
Dreamworks has announced they plan to release “Fright Night” 7 October 2011.
5.) THOU SHALL NOT MAKE THE UNDEAD SPARKLY
When Stephanie Meyers decided to make her vampires glitter like fairies from a Peter Pan play, realisation hit me (along with the nausea), is this what horror will be seen as in a hundred years from now? I hope not! I pray that the undead will return to their rotting selves real soon. I mean, we all like our vampires evil and sexy and sun-intolerant, don’t we? Thankfully “True Blood” has returned to our screens to satiate us with sexy, REAL vampires, and apparently they have also been renewed for a fourth season already!
With that off my chest let’s continue to the much anticipated undead series that we actually want to know about…
“The Vampire Diaries” 2nd Season is coming in September 2010 and so far there have been some spoilers making their rounds on the internet as to what is going to happen, who is going to come back yada, yada, yada…
Now, there are some things that might be of interest to those who love to watch “The Vampire Diaries”, simply because of the sexiness of those semi-dead bloodsucking Salvatore brothers (in my case the eldest Salvatore brother… Damon…grrr).
Buddytv.com has an official press release of “The Vampire Diaries” 2nd Season plot, on their site, claiming that: “Next season, the appearance of the villainous Katherine in Mystic Falls throws a wrench into the love triangle between Stefan, Elena and Damon, and the other residents of Mystic Falls must choose sides as they fall victim to a new breed of danger. New and unexpected friendships will be forged, allies will become enemies, and hearts will be broken. Stefan and Damon will be forced to face a villain more evil and diabolical than they ever believed possible. And they’ll take their shirts off. Frequently.” I’m 99.9% sure that the last part is good news However if that isn’t quite up your alley and you’d rather want more info on the upcoming season’s rumours, be prepared for the following ‘in a nutshell’ news… The werewolves are coming to Mystic Falls (or they’ve been there all along), there’s going to be an ol’ switcheroo between the Salvatore brothers (Stefan goes a little evil, while Damon becomes the sweetie) and Anna might return for the second season as well as David Anders who played ‘Uncle John’, which doesn’t make a lot of sense… how do you bring a dead-dead vamp back and how does a ‘dead-daddy-who-I-thought-was-my-uncle’ come back to life? Only time will tell…
5.) THOU SHALL NOT BE STINGY WITH CREATIVE KILLS
A new series is coming to our screens to thrill us with flesh-eating undead monsters, which is maybe not as sexy as vampires, but definitely just as exciting… “The Walking Dead” is a series based on the comic books by Robert Kirkman and the news has already got the whole horror community buzzing. The series will be directed by Frank Darabont (“The Shawshank Redemption”, “The Green Mile”) and he’ll be joined by a few reputable actors, such as Sarah Wayne Callies (“Prison Break”), Emma Bell (“Frozen”) and Jim Coleman (“American Gangster”) to join in on the zombie-fun. This news, plus some tantalising pictures being released to keep us entertained and wanting more… makes me wonder, who will be able to resist taking a wee peek when the first season hits in October?
However the strangest, yet most intriguing thing about this whole thing is that there is an actual zombie-school on the set to teach all those zombie-extras how to moan to the right decibel, walk with the right kinks in their steps and look zombie-licious at all times, according to the blog dedicated to “The Walking Dead” on amctv.com. Old news, I know, but it’s worth mentioning again, seeing that I’d probably be the first to sign-up for a zombie study-course if it was open to the public… aarrrggghhh….
6.) THOU SHALL MAKE HORROR FUN… OR ELSE
Yay! We’re at my happy place again, where gore and games combine and makes for good times (I’m smiling now, just so you know).
“Dead Nation” is almost here! Set to release between October and December 2010 (according to uk.playstation.com) time seems to drag by as I wait for the big reveal. However I did find a basic plotline that all you zombie-gamers can sink your teeth into as we wait for the game to hit the shelves:
“A war is raging over the planet which has left it in chaos and ruin. A zombie virus has rapidly spread through the human population across the globe, leaving it with one hope – you. Among a few capable of fighting back and surviving the mayhem and destruction, your mission is to take on the zombie masses and come out alive.”
I simply can’t wait to get my hands on it and I feel my PS3 console needs a zombie fix just as bad as I do. Maybe “Dead Nation” will step up to the challenge… only time will tell…
“DEAD RISING 2”
“Dead Rising 2” is set to release on Xbox 360 and PS3 consoles as well as PC platforms on Tuesday 31 August 2010. However there is more to this news than just a release date. In fact I stumbled upon some meh news regarding “Dead Rising 2”.
According to Deadrising2.net, Capcom has teamed up with Playboy (and not in a good way it seems). Instead of killing half-naked zombie bunny babes though, we’ll have to make due with images of half-naked chicks which will be prominently displayed throughout the city. Billboards, advertisements and the likes will now get a Playboy-bunny somewhere… Product placement much? There is also a ‘special upgrade’ for Chuck Greene if the player discovers the Playboy Magazine in the game.
The question I’d like to ask Capcom is: “When will anyone get chance to actually look at the Playboy ads/magazine when there is a million freaking zombies trying to eat us?!” Anyhow maybe it won’t be that bad, but I’m not particularly excited about it either, even though the E3 screenshots does look somewhat appetising…
7.) THOU SHALL TAKE AN ARTISTIC APPROACH TO HORROR
First things first… I am not an art critic, but when I see something pretty or some piece of art speaks to me on a personal level, well then I will say something about it… It just so happens that I stumbled upon a whole collection of artwork by a single artist named G. Edwin Taylor and well… I fell in love with his work. And as always my curiosity got the best of me and I had to dig deeper. Here’s what I found out…
“Strumpet of Berlin”
The “Strumpet of Berlin” is also known as “The Nazi Stripper Amputee”, this piece has already become infamous for being unconventional.
“I first came up with the idea in a dream. I was with a group of friends and was dragged into what looked like a seedy strip joint. Once I was in there I noticed that all the dancers were wearing gas masks and swastika armbands. When I woke up, I couldn’t get that image out of my mind and I knew I had to paint it. I realized that the piece could be the first of a series involving fetishes, so I decided to make her an amputee as well.” G. Edwin Taylor said when I asked what inspired this particular painting. “I must admit that the combination of everything made that particular painting quite striking.” He continued and I agree. It certainly pulls ones attention with its originality, undeniable horror tendencies and iron-fist beauty, which is mastered by only a few artists.
“The Creeping Unknown from Planet X”
Featured in the 2008 Satanic Calendar is “The Creeping Unknown from Planet X”, which is a little more sci-fi, but still has a certain horror feel to it. When I spoke with the artist, he was kind enough to tell me that the inspiration behind this piece was H.P. Lovecraft and 1950’s Sci-Fi flicks.
“My work was given the month of August [in the calendar], since that month also holds the birth date of H.P. Lovecraft.”
When I looked at this I couldn’t help but smile as old science-fiction movies got brought back to life again in a different era and in a different medium. It’s also real pretty to look at…
“Temptation of the Serpent (Medusa Victorious)”
This particular piece has just as much history behind it as the other two. The artist, G. Edwin Taylor, used the ghost hunter and author Ursula Bielski as inspiration for this sexy, yet dangerous Medusa in “Temptation of the Serpent (Medusa Victorious)”. Taking the myths of a dangerous minx and turning her into this reckless, twirling goddess as she turns her foes to stone, was absolutely brilliant in my opinion. I can just see Medusa dancing around her stone enemies as she celebrates her victory…
G. Edwin Taylor has been featured in or on magazines like NexGen Pulp, FutureFire and he is the cover artist for The Ghost Magazine, which is published irregularly out of Canada. He is also the company artist for Revolt Amplifications (a guitar amp company), but although that’s all good and well, I’m sure you would like to know where you can find this awesome art, right? Well some of his paintings have now become available as prints! Yip all three of these featured babies are available in poster form from the artist’s website www.taylor9.com and the prices are quite reasonable. Go have a look at some of the other nifty art pieces and tell me what you think.
8.) THOU ART ALLOWED TO MAKE US LAUGH AT HORROR
Staying in the arts and literature department of horror… HorrorNews.Net has their own jokester as I’m sure avid readers know. With the insanely popular “Human Centipede” jokes that have recently been featured on your favourite horror website, Monstermatt Patterson is definitely not a one hit wonder. In fact he is currently looking for a publisher for his joke book, which is allegedly going to be called “Monstermatt’s Bad Monster Jokes Vol.1”!
“The jokes have been compared to something crossed between Mad Magazine and Forrest J. Ackermann.” Monstermatt Patterson said in our email correspondence. “The jokes take aim at the things we enjoy most: Horror films, Sci-Fi, Superheroes [and] even some Pop Culture type stuff.” He continued. Monstermatt Patterson’s jokes have really taken the world by storm and publishers better take note of this. Lloyd Kaufman of “Troma” and Monstermatt has allegedly been slinging puns at one another, and a bunch of bad “Basket Case” jokes got the attention of Frank Hennenlotter, of “Basket Case” fame, too. “I’d like to hear feedback from Tom Six, the director [of ‘Human Centipede’]” Monstermatt Patterson said when asked about his “Human Centipede” jokes.
With the help of Kyle J. Kaczmarczyk, an independent comic book artist and writer/publisher of www.zombieworx.com who will help out with the illustrations of this much anticipated, although not yet published joke book, things definitely seem on the right track.
Don’t think I didn’t get something funny out of him though! Here are some jokes he was so nice enough to give us (you know just to cheer us up after all the remake nonsense we handled earlier).
Q. What do you call The Gillman crossed with a bean?
A. The Creature from the Black Legume!
Q. Why is Wolfman mad at his HMO?
A. They won’t pay for his flea dips!
Q. What Troma film has a card reading psychic with a gas problem?
A. ‘Tarot Fumer’!
Q. Why did Duane drop Belial and his ‘basket’, while getting drunk?
A. He couldn’t hold his ‘Wicker’!
“Of ‘corpse’ the jokes are bad, the puns putrid, the rhymes are rancid and the parodies pathetic, but people are enjoying them! So let’s see what happens next…”
9.) THOU SHALL EMBRACE THE DISGUSTING
Off course you shouldn’t merely budget for blood. You should take the organs and weapons and the other gory, gruesome things into account too, just like Kittiwat Unarrom did. Unarrom is an art student from Thailand who has a spectacular outlook on not only horror, but food too! Now, apparently this is old news in the cooking industry, but it was kind of shocking to see that the horror-community had almost no idea about this guy… which is odd, considering that Kittiwat Unarrom is a bloody genius!
When I first saw these creations I thought to myself: “I have to see this movie!”, but then it turned out that this isn’t a movie and neither is this some sick true-life crime-scene… in fact this is bread! You heard me folks, this is the same type of bread you pop into the toaster for breakfast. Although, I’m not quite sure how you are going to get even slices for your toasted cheese and tomato, but I guess it is possible…
Moving on to what’s important.
Well one would think that these creations might scare off potential customers, but Unarrom’s bakery isn’t scaring off anyone. In fact people are queuing to get a piece of him (so to speak) and Unarrom’s talents don’t simply start and end with freaky human-bread-heads! You can get almost any part of human-bread-something at this shop, which is truly a cannibal-in-the-making’s dream.
It looks absolutely scrumptious…
10.) IF THOU ART IN DOUBT… RETURN TO HORRORNEWS.NET
Okay so confess your “horror-sins” on the comment page, go say your 10 “Hail Horror’s” in front of your horror shrine (DVD rack) and return soon for your fix of Horror Gossip, where we not only give you the scoop on what’s new and happening in the world of gore, but also teach you the difference between GOOD and BAD horror.