A serial killer returns to his hometown to stalk seven children who share the same birthday as the date he was allegedly put to rest.
I must apologize to all of you my acolytes for not getting this information to you earlier. Mind you The Black Saint apologizes to no man but after watching Wes Craven’s “My Soul To Take” (which I should’ve watched when it opened a few weeks ago) I feel that apologies are in order for not having warned you that this is a grade A class stinkeroonie of a movie!
Whatever happened to Wes Craven any ways? He was the man for awhile & I always kind of considered him sort of the “College Professor” of horror films. Whenever you see him being interviewed he comes off as an extremely intelligent man, the mind of man who wouldn’t make movies such as this one. Let’s be fair to him for a hot minute though. We can’t hit home runs every time out & he’s had his share of clunkers to be sure (Shocker, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Deadly Friend…) to name a few but “My Soul To Keep” in worthless 3D no less is just a mess from beginning to end. I really do expect something different from him every time he makes a picture & this time he’s just made what I want to call “Scream 4″ except that he’s already done that one & it’s coming soon.
A serial killer has returned to the town where he was supposedly drowned 16 years earlier to kill the 7 children who were born on the same date that he died. Now while that sounds vaguely familiar it doesn’t mean it’s going to suck does it? I mean the plot sounds like it’s a rehash of several similar pictures thrown together in a blender & poured onto movie screens across America (in 3D)! It has elements of all of the “Scream” movies, the “Nightmare On Elm Street” films & a few others that just don’t come together cohesively. To make it worse, Wes wrote this f*cker as well as directed it. So he’s the only to blame.
The script is lazy, the acting is alright I suppose. At least the kids looked like kids not like 30 year olds playing 16 year olds as is the case in these kinds of films. Our main protagonist is Bug, played by Max Theriot who happens to be one of the 7 kids born on the evening of the (supposed) drowning of the Riverton Ripper. A serial killer who used a very particular type of knife to carve his handiwork in. Bug is sort of an outcast in school although here are those who think he’s kind of cute. Bug has a best friend, Alex. Played by John Magaro. They’re relationship is a lot like the one between the two kids in “Night Of The Creeps”, been watching better movies Wes? I’m on to you if you are….
Anyway you guys know the rest. You’ve probably already suffered through it as I have. The kids 16th birthday comes along & one by one they start getting bumped off. Who’s doing it? Is the Ripper really back? Or is it one of a set of stock characters that could’ve been plucked by Craven from any number of 80’s horror films? I’m not telling..(I NEVER DO). Even if the movie sucks as bad as this one. And this movie sucked (In 3D)!
And let me just mention the 3D component of this film. Why is it in 3D? Movies of this type just don’t do 3D any kind of justice. The only time I even noticed any 3D was when the fog rolled over the river in a few shots. They were admittedly kind of cool. But there were only a few shots of them to notice anyway. Films like this are the ones that are going to knock the wheels off the 3D bandwagon without a doubt. You’re paying more money for nothing noticeable. This has to stop. It costs a lot of money to go to the movies period, when you add on the price of a 3D surcharge 7 there’s more than a few of you it’s gonna pinch your wallet a bit more than you would like.
Ok, so what’s good about this movie? Cinematography was ok I guess, the music was mundane, the end credits seemed to be framed by story boards used from the film. They were more interesting than the film itself. And the actors knew how to hit their marks. That’s it people. Craven took his “Nightmare” & “Scream” plots & smashed em’ together (In 3D)! to give us this piece of sh*t. I am truly ashamed of him & of myself for not having warned you earlier. I’ll be extra depressed tonight in the old Mausoleum thinking about what I could’ve saved you from.
“My Soul To Keep” get’s a hale & hearty 1/2 shroud from The Saint. The half is for the nerve of Craven & the studio it took to make, promote & release this movie as something even remotely scary. That takes balls ladies & gentlemen, at least a 1/2 Shroud worth of balls anyway. The film is not scary in the least, it’s actually rather boring for most of it’s running time & although there is a couple of quarts of blood flying about (In 3D)! that doesn’t make it any scarier.
What I’m scared of now is “Scream 4″! Jeez louise I’m terrified of what stupidness is waiting for us in that one. I can’t talk about Craven anymore today..It’s sad to see how the mighty have fallen. But I must apologize to you again for not warning you earlier my beloved acolytes. I can’t get you your money back but I will be sure to warn you before you spend it on piles of cinematic fecal matter like “My Soul To Keep” (In 3D)! in the future.
So, lay back & relax. As a matter of fact go see “Jackass 3D” tonight. That was a hoot! (In 3D)!!. I am going to have a “Saw VII” review ready for you by tomorrow night at 6:30 EST so you’ll know if you have to spend valuable Samhain time watching it this weekend or not. I’ll warn you earlier from now on….what am I saying? You’ll get your f*cking reviews when I give em’ to you. Late or not. Let’s not forget who I am & what all of you are to me, ok?
That’s better. So remember to eat all of your peas, Download the “Red Dead Redemption” Undead Nightmare Pack for your PS3/XBOX 360 now while you can. It’s pretty f*cking awesome & as always say your prayers & remember your souls are eventually going to be MINE TO TAKE!!