Film Review: Lesbian Vampires (aka Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires) (2003)

Also titled:

Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood!

SYNOPSIS:

Carmilla, the Queen of the Lesbian Vampires, shows the pleasures of girl-on-girl love to sweet young Lilith with depraved vampires of Carmilla’s coven. Horror host, Mr. Creeps, brings back the spirit of Ed Wood to solve the problems of these demented Goth scream queens.

REVIEW:

Written & Directed by: Tim Swartz
Starring: Lolita Langsuir, Stephanie Bloode, Theda Baire, Circe

Subtitled “THE CURSE OF ED WOOD!” (HA!! “Wood!” Get it?), this story opens with a horror host by the name of Uncle Creepo dressed in Grandpa Munster gear walking around in a cemetery in the daylight with a lantern looking for the grave of his dearly-departed Uncle, Ed Wood. From there we learn of poor young Lilith, a lesbian underappreciated by her current partner. So, Lilith dumps her to go in search of greater pleasures and more meaningful relationships. This leads her to Carmilla – the Queen of the Lesbian Vampires (cue echo effect here) – who eats…er, bites…Lilith in order to vamp her out and show her the endless pleasures of girl-on-girl lovin’. OH, almost forgot – in scenes intercut with the movie itself, Uncle Creepo is trying to bring back the spirit of dear old Uncle Ed to help the movie shoot go much smoother. I think. I suppose. I think. Not really sure. Stopped paying attention after about the eight minute mark…

RAMBLINGS:

What in THE almighty FUCK is going on here???!! Who did I piss off somewhere within the organizational ladder of Horrornews.net to draw this short of a straw?? Whatever I did, Big Bossman, I am sincerely very, very, very, very, very, VERY sorry, and it will never happen again. Promise. I swear I’ll make amends. Just please don’t let me have to suffer like this again, please, please, please with sugar and blood on top, I beg of you, have mercy on me!!!!

But something tells me that unless I get sent a sequel to this movie, I won’t have to suffer like this for a very long time. My first rule with indie horror movies, especially since I’m part of the indie horror world, is to immediately cut them some slack and not hold them to nearly as high a standard as I do the big-budget remakes (and other Hollywood product) as they just don’t have the budget to pull off many things that their grand vision might have originally entailed. It’s by practicing this philosophy of open-mindedness that has not only afforded me the pleasure of seeing some really kickassingly creative gems come from only a few hundred dollars, but it’s also given me many friends and contacts throughout the years.

But there also comes a time when I just have to draw the line – usually it’s because someone has made something so horribly uninspired that it’s crossed over my own line – my line of patience. I overlook so much when it comes to action, gore, FX, even acting, because there’s almost always a story there, and a good one at that. BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES is all over the place from start to finish and has absolutely nothing going for it to redeem it even a little bit in my eyes. You want examples? Sure, why not? I got some time to kill and some space to fill, so here goes:

1) If you’re going to make a lesbian vampire flick, then goddammit gimme some f*cking lesbian vampires!!! I don’t mean chicks writhing around topless (yeah, just topless for the most part – a couple of close-ups of a muff doesn’t count), moaning, then suddenly sprouting fangs with dribbles of blood running down someone’s tummy. Although I must say that Lilith’s silky white granny panties to symbolize vampiric virginity did give me a chuckle…but only because they looked 4 sizes too big for the actress.

2) Acting…if you don’t have an inspired story, acting is important to pull off the material at hand. The real Ed Wood made genius thespian marvels compared to this. Watching Stallone fake his way through Rocky Balboa having to stumble over not being able to read cue cards for the scenes in ROCKY II where he was filming commercials wasn’t as embarrassing as this.

3) Mr. Creepo himself…not my favorite new horror host, I’d have to say. With wild BEETLEJUICE hair, Grandpa Munster cape, and Z-grade Jon Lovitz impression of a voice spouting one lame Elvira-rejected pun after another just made me want to break my empty bottle of vodka in half and plug both my ears with it.

H) The I-don’t-know-how-long-it-lasted-but-it-was-way-too-f*cking-long long spanking/domination scene could have used a little more excitement. Or any excitement, for that matter. Don’t just randomly throw all kinds of fetishes into a movie to pad the time if you’re not going to explore them or go anywhere with them. Or if the submissive is just going to be bent over quietly. Christ…

It did look as though the cast was having a lot of fun in the non-sex scenes, and maybe they were. One could argue that I missed the point of the movie, but I will heavily argue that point by saying, “Nuh-uh!” and leave it at that. When the outtakes scattered through the end credits are far funnier than the actual comedy parts of the movie, you know you’re in trouble. I’m just sayin.

LAST WORDS:

I swear to you, Big Bossman, that no matter how sh*tty a movie has been that you’ve sent to me for review, I’ve never once used the fast-forward button on my remote. This time, we were very close to that happening. But, in the name of fairness to the filmmakers I sucked it up, stuck it out, and sent home the most accurate review I could because of that fact, and I’m proud of that. Well, proud is a pretty strong word this time out I guess, but it sounded good here.

So, if you want a well-written vampire saga, just break out your BUFFY or BLADE DVDs. If you want real, true erotic vampires, then just go ahead and splurge on the BUFFY THE VAMPIRE LAYER series with Kristi Myst – I’m a huge fan of that one, actually…giggity. But as for BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES, unless you can’t stop from looking at a train wreck or have your own fetish for the uninspired, boring, and just plain horrible, avoid at all costs. Me? I’m going back to bed – my cure for insomnia has just been discovered…

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